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Following through on final part of 'The Script' after 6 months

(29 Posts)
intheairthatnightfernando Thu 14-Jul-16 08:09:07

Hi, looking for some emotional advice. My ex-DH announced out of the blue last December that he was leaving me and our 2 DC as he was 'unhappy' - had a thread about it at the time as was in total shock, together 20 years, didn't see this coming etc. He refused to give me any explanation why, refused to discuss counselling or attempt to fix things and left at Christmas. The emotional aftermath was almost overwhelming but I have got on and stayed strong mostly through a fantastic support network, a relentlessly positive attitude (which is sometimes exhausting but I rarely waver from) and the importance of keeping my lovely DC feeling safe and unstressed.

Things had settled. He has continued to swear no-one else and I fell into an amicable enough relationship with him passing the children over - he didn't see them much at first but that has rectified itself. I have a legal separation agreement, I have bought him out the house and my life is rich with friends and plans for the future. I have ups and downs but by staying manically busy and filling every moment of every day I am coping. He appeared to have done none of this, living with his mum, keeping tight-lipped about his plans; we discussed him getting his own place so it would be nicer for the kids to visit, and he told me he was just waiting for the buyout money.

He told me two weeks ago he had met someone. It all came out two days ago that he has been having an affair all along with the woman I feared, and I know it started before he left. Not long before he left.

This has totally floored me. My whole recovery has been based on lies. He has lied and lied and lied. I have made a new life but feel almost as bad as I did in December. He wants our children to meet her imminently and it turns out he is buying with her. I think he maybe lives with her just now and uses his mum as a base for the children.

I just can't take it in. He has managed the situation so he can just say now 'it's none of your business'. My whole adult life was spent with him and I have found it hard to detach so have been friendly and interested with him when passing the children over. I am devastated all over again - again physical symptoms of shock - and feel total abhorrence at this OW meeting my children and playing families. She left a marriage at the same time as him.

Any advice appreciated. I'll understand if you say calm down, but obviously I would if I could.

PossiblyOverSensitive Thu 14-Jul-16 08:17:37

OP I'm so sorry to hear all this. That is truly shocking and it will never cease to amaze me how someone can lie constantly like that to someone they've spent their whole adult life with and had children with. What an absolute bastard! I know your coping mechanism is to stay busy but I wonder if you need to allow yourself time to just feel however you actually feel, be alone for a weekend (do you have family who can have the children? I wouldn't want to leave them with him until I'd calmed down a bit) and just start to process everything. It's such a lot to take in and you need time. Like you I would be furious about the OW meeting the children that is grossly unfair and my blood is boiling for you. Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL?

intheairthatnightfernando Thu 14-Jul-16 08:25:07

Thank you so much. Yes I do. I am talking but my brain has gone into overdrive, looking back and making sense of everything. I feel like I'm cracking up a bit after being strong for so long.

He is saying he lied out of 'compassion' for me. I am demeaned by him.

I know I need to focus on me and my life but I am consumed with the shock of his lies. I also feel a massive sadness and fear that my children are going to have a part of their life I will have no access to, with another woman reading bedtime stories and buying icecreams with them. How can this be?

NewlyNamedMe Thu 14-Jul-16 08:26:17

My advice is to try and change the way you now see your recovery. "My whole recovery has been based on lies". I see where you're coming from but at the same time you got your stuff sorted quickly because of this (in a way, as awful as he is, he did you a favour). I would focus on moving forward with the new life you had started to build.

If you had found out about the affair at the same time he left it would have taken longer to get to this point. But now youre in a good position to move on.

He's a coward. He has done everything to make his life easier and lied to the mother of his children. They will know this one day and you will come out with dignity. Stay positive and move forward with everything you had planned.

As far as meeting the OW is concerned I think you could tell him it has come as a shock and that you need more time to comes to terms with it before they meet. This way he has to accept and realise that his lies have caused the disruption. IYSWIM.

I hope you are OK.

weekendninja Thu 14-Jul-16 08:44:25

I have to agree with NewlyNamed, he has shown himself to be a coward, whereas you have achieved a remarkable amount in such a short space of time - that is amazing! I found out about my DH's affair and 18 months later I have achieved no where near what you have.

He knows all of his decisions have been based on lies, so does OW and so will everyone else. Your decision making has been based on what is best for you and your DC's and that is admirable.

Unfortunately, with regards to the OW you will just have to accept it. It will be extremely hard but you will get through it.

Have you thought about counselling? I have recently started and it's been a great help. It will give you a chance to process this awful deceit and move onto where you want and deserve to be.

flowers

Incognita82 Thu 14-Jul-16 08:49:35

Hi OP, sorry you have had this horrible shock. Take time to process it then I think you will find that in a way this helps you distance yourself from him.

I caught my exH of 20+ years out in an affair with someone at work. He lied consistently over the next 12 months until I finally walked away. Eventually it came out that he had cheated for the first time of many even before our oldest DC was born.

That was devastating as I feel like I wasted my whole youth with him - still do actually. But one good thing which came out of that time was that I knew I had lost all respect for him and that a man who could cheat on his wife and children like that was not someone I was ever interested in being with again even if he had turned round and begged to come home (which he didn't - he married one of the OW who was pregnant by another man instead - quality!).

Yes it hurt (a lot) that I had been so naive and stupidly trusting and it still twinges from time to time, but that knowledge that he is essentially a worthless person has enabled me to distance myself from him emotionally.

I'm five years down the line now and I'm generally very happy on my own with the DC. Ex is still a twunt and periodically tries to get out of paying court ordered maintenance (I wish I had never had children with him, but there you go), but he seems like a distant bad memory now and I don't have any emotional connection to him any more.

It takes time but you will get there too. Remember, good men do not behave like this and he is not worthy of your time and your heartbreak. The time you have already put in to rebuilding your life is certainly not wasted, this is just a blip in your feelings and you will not start from where you were last December. KOKO building your new life and engage with him as little as possible, certainly no chats.You will be fine and one day he will be someone not very nice who you once knew too.

ParadiseCity Thu 14-Jul-16 08:55:21

I am so sorry to read this. Good that you recognise 'the script' and it sounds to me like you actually knew this all along but maybe you needed to deny your suspicions to yourself so that you could function? You sound immensely strong and although your children have an arsehole of a dad they clearly have a fabulous mum. I am sure you will get through this - you are a zillion times better off without this lying scumbag.

intheairthatnightfernando Thu 14-Jul-16 09:02:44

So grateful for these replies - they are helpful to read and remember I am me, and not his victim. I have been so proud how I've coped so far and am disappointed to have been so overwhelmed by this new information. You are right in saying I have suspected and blocked out. It was the only way I could cope and I think probably deep down I always knew this was coming.

I think my strategy should be not to ask questions about the past. It can't bring anything positive. I will ask if meeting this OW can be delayed. I want to be in a strong position to support my children when it happens, and time to process for myself first would make a difference.

housewifedesperate Thu 14-Jul-16 09:10:18

Sorry to hear this news, did you suspect anyway? (i didn't read your original post)
My ex tried to conceal his affair after he left as well (and still denies it to a certain extent) I think my ex h wanted us to 'amicably' separate then a few months down the line announce his 'new' relationship. I found out through him leaving his Facebook account on the family computer (stupid idiot!) and glad I did but actually, the truth comes out eventually.
Nearly 17 months on, I'm getting there but finding it difficult to get over the betrayal and duplicity.
I do know that I'm better off without a scumbag like that and am enjoying my new life. You will too but it does take time to accept what happened. He betrayed you badly and it hurts but you will move on and be stronger for it. I would never have believed I would be writing that but it's true.
Take care

HappyJanuary Thu 14-Jul-16 09:11:43

Don't be sad, you have escaped from a lying cheat and managed to build a happy new life for yourself.

Statistics show that his new relationship is unlikely to last, and they will have to live with the guilt and shame in the meantime, always knowing what the other is capable of.

I know it's a cliche but the best revenge is a life well lived. I'd rather be you than them.

UptheAnty Thu 14-Jul-16 09:52:47

I understand why you're upset.
He took away your stance of being the injured party... Controlled your reaction and the situation by drip feeding and lying. His plan has successfully allowed him to exit the marriage without judgement from others.
It would appear that he has executed everything wonderfully for himself and ow. Whilst smiling at you and appearing genuine at handovers as though you were still friends.

Op, you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Why wouldn't you believe and trust a man who you were married to and have children with? You behaved as a great role model for your dc and have maintained your dignity.
Your xdh has shown Himself to being a cold calculating untrustworthy bastard.
Lucky you, he is not your problem anymore.
The only thing you have to remember is that you are so much better than both of them. flowers

MatildaTheCat Thu 14-Jul-16 10:03:20

He's a cowardly bastard. Of course you are utterly shocked and betrayed, he cheated on you so how could you not feel this way? Channel it into rage and if you want to play hardball, do so.

And make sure that everyone knows. What a c**t. I've got the rage for you. flowers

Zumbarunswim Thu 14-Jul-16 10:50:15

The ow will always be looking out for another ow, she'll never be able to relax (my brother cheated on his wife and now the ow that landed him never lets him out of her sight and he is clearly miserable) their relationship is built on shitty cheating foundations and they will reap what they sow. Time will take you back to where you were. Every day you wake up the shock and pain will lessen. I second counselling and time away from kids to process. Also maybe a boxercise class to let your anger out in a constructive way. Well done on making such amazing progress in 6 months, even if you fake it until you make it it's still progress and your heart will catch up with your head in time flowers

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Thu 14-Jul-16 11:02:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wallywobbles Thu 14-Jul-16 11:10:36

The bad news is it is still unlikely to be the full truth. Mine made sure I found out the day after our divorce that he'd been having an affair for a year of our marriage (throughout my first pregnancy). A year or so down the line he said it had been going on for 2x as long (for both pregnancies).

It's destabilizing because you are constantly rewriting your past with the light of the new information.

My best advice is to try not to visit the past at all. Because there will be other things/people that he's lied about, so more re-examining if the past and It's stops you moving on.

The good news is that as your life moves on it stops mattering because you have a past separate from him.

KrakenAwakes Thu 14-Jul-16 13:34:56

Hey

you will get through this just as you did the first time

For me the gap was shorter, he left (I found out about the OW) and then found out a second time 8 weeks later after we had been trying relat and he had been lying. Like you I had been speaking regularly to him, supportive of our plans to separate for a while but work towards getting back together,, arranging contact and finding good things for the 3 of them to do.

When I discovered the second time I immediately went to the solicitor and she filed for divorce. Tracking him down delayed the process but now it has been filed at family court. Best bit was he agreed to sign for adultery.

Go away for a bit - the grief catches up eventually, I know at some point I will still have to deal with the loss - rage and anger only carry me so far.

intheairthatnightfernando Sat 16-Jul-16 06:55:02

This thread has been a great support, thank you.

Since finding out, he has refused all my calls. I am getting no say, unable to set out any preferences on holding off introducing this OW and he has robbed me of a voice and a reaction. Such a spineless and hateful coward. For five days he has just ignored me. How do I remain calm and icy when we finally speak when he shows such a lack of respect? I am away for a few days with the children so he is not arranging to see them at the moment.

I just keep struggling to take it what has happened. I utterly agree that I need to focus on my own life. It is hard to move forward without any conversation with him whatsoever however. He is showing such disdain for me and it is so undeserved.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon Sat 16-Jul-16 07:14:26

I would start refusing his calls for a while, ignore his texts, etc.

He will have to start calling you at some point to arrange to see the kids. Don't be in a hurry to answer those calls for a few days and let him sweat.

Bastard. I'm sorry you're going through this. I suspect even if you asked to delay the meeting he may not be agreeable to this and you can't stop it.

Justlikefire Sat 16-Jul-16 07:19:37

Your relationship with him has now changed. It has been relatively amicable until now but if I were you I would lower your expectations. It's hard but he doesn't have to listen to your requests for the children to wait before meeting her. It's up to him and now the truth is out there I think he will be different with you.

I have reached the stage with exh that I cannot speak to him about anything whatsoever as it is not good for my health. All arrangements are done via the children these days.

You have had a shock (although you already knew really didn't you as it was the only explanation for his leaving so suddenly) so you need to give yourself time to process it and adjust. I thought that was a good point from a pp that you are at a further point than you would have been had you known at the start.

Good luck, you have done amazingly well thus far.

0dfod Sat 16-Jul-16 07:44:36

Op I would in your shoes tell him that he is to contact you by email only to arrange child things and block him from calling and texting you. You need head space now.

You sound amazing, he sounds a cunt. Keep your head up and do not let him know that you are suffering.

A (((hug))) for you.

HappyJanuary Sat 16-Jul-16 08:09:25

Don't contact him again, wait for him to come to you. Don't do any of the angry things he expects. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset or begging for answers.

Continue living your amazing life, even if you are falling apart privately. Show him, your children and the world what you are made of and what he has lost.

When he contacts you about the children ask to discuss when they meet ow. Acknowledge that this can only be a request not a demand. Maybe you can appeal to his better nature, maybe there is a concession you can offer in return.

Ultimately, if he decides to introduce them then it will happen and you will endure it and come through it like lots of us have, I promise.

HappyJanuary Sat 16-Jul-16 08:20:21

The ignoring will be about guilt, shame and knowing he has treated you despicably. He can't face you or look you in the eye. He doesn't want to face your anger, answer your questions or discuss it.

He is wondering who you will tell and what those people will think about him. He is wondering what his children will think of him, now and when they are older.

All of his plans for secrecy have backfired and he will be avoiding dealing with the consequences of his behaviour while he casts about for a damage limitation plan.

If he can't win you over he will get irrationally angry at you, because that's what people do when they're caught out. Don't rise to it.

user1467709068 Sat 16-Jul-16 08:37:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

smilingeyes11 Sat 16-Jul-16 08:40:39

I agree please stop contacting him. Radio silence is the only way for you.

Let's face it if he did have the guts to speak to you now it would all be lies anyway. Don't turn yourself into a banshee, well don't let him see you rage. It will play right into his hands and he will then be able to tell the OW he left you because you were mad and he had no choice or some other such shite.

He will have rewritten history and justified his own disgusting behaviour. They all do. Give yourself time to come to terms with this latest bombshell . He is an utter textbook, scripted MLC wanker and the OW is welcome to him.

You will be fine. So many of us have gone through this and we are still here and doing ok. You will too. You just need to ride this out. And in years to come you will be grand and he will have to look back at his life and know that he is a cheat and he treated his wife and DC disgracefully. Hold you head up high, cling onto your morals and make sure you are the parent to be proud of.

TendonQueen Sat 16-Jul-16 08:48:52

Agreed, go silent now. He will have to contact you about the kids - how often has he been seeing them? You've done so well.

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