Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it ever a good idea to rekindle an old relationship?

(14 Posts)
StirredNotShaken Wed 13-Jul-16 20:53:10

Brief outline...We went out when we were teenagers, first love (love of my life really) then went our separate ways. I worked abroad he had a successful career here. WE didn't split up for any other reason than our lives were taking us in different directions. IN recent years his marriage broke down (she had an affair) and my dh passed away suddenly. After that, we met up again and we rekindled our relationship and it was magical. Like coming home. However it was way too soon for me and I put a halt on it as I was still recovering from the loss of my dh and the readjustments I had to make for our two children who I was now raising alone. Funny thing is though, we still have this 'thing' between us. It is like fireworks. We are both in other relationships now but this feeling won't go away. He recently said that he has this life feeling that we should be together and I totally get that. But....we are both scared of hurting our respective partners and fucking things up totally and ending up without one another in each others lives for good. We went out this week and spoke about it but I am wondering whether we are each other's 'safe place' like a safety net if things go tits up in our relationships - as if we can always just rely on the fact that we are attracted to one another kind of thing. My partner is a lovely caring generous and decent man...but something is missing for me.

Itsnowornever01 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:06:30

I think this is a common story. I think for some it's an emotional saftey net, something away from real life.

On the other hand I think many get too serious about marriage and long relationships due to outside pressures.

Maybe you were right for each other but was just the wrong time, only you can judge.

StirredNotShaken Wed 13-Jul-16 21:32:40

Yes, I do wonder that. In fact I said it to him. That maybe we just view one another as a person we can be with if all else fails. But I think it is more than that. But then maybe I am being stupid! Ugh! Who would have thought that we would be having relationship dilemmas once we hit 50!!

willconcern Wed 13-Jul-16 21:36:00

If you feel like this, how is it fair on your partner? If I were you I think I'd take the chance on the old flame. But you'd need to end your current relationships, and do it decently. Please don't have an affair with this man.

ChicRock Wed 13-Jul-16 21:38:34

Well as you're already having an emotional affair, you might as well go the whole hog, but do the decent thing and end it with your current partners first.

NickiFury Wed 13-Jul-16 21:41:20

Not in my opinion. I have done it three times and regretted it. The exact same issues reared their head. It was only a matter of time. In fact when those issues did occur, they were even worse as though they had matured and become much stronger; like mouldy cheese. People do not change in my opinion and their faults usually get worse, not better.

Itsnowornever01 Wed 13-Jul-16 21:42:52

If you love your husband and he has been good to you in life, then I would say forget it.

milpool Wed 13-Jul-16 21:44:23

A bit different to you but DH and I were together as teenagers. We split up, stayed friends, got back together about 5 years ago (about 8 years after we'd split up). Married, baby, another on the way. So yes, it can work. But I think you just have to be very, very careful!

StirredNotShaken Wed 13-Jul-16 21:44:48

OH God! I would never have an affair!!! I was married for 18 years and never erred nor would I. WE are not having an emotional affair either. We just met up this week after normal conversations as we only really meet up once a year or so for a catch up over coffee or an evening at the pub. I have not acknowledged these feelings for around 5 years - kind of put them to bed really but we maintained tenuous contact and both got on with our lives. But now these feelings have re-emerged quite unexpectedly! I wish they hadn't to be honest but I cannot ignore them. It is just what I choose to do with them that matters.

milpool Wed 13-Jul-16 21:45:10

Oh but actually I just re-read your post properly and yeah, don't be shitty to your current partners. That's not cool.

StirredNotShaken Wed 13-Jul-16 21:46:58

itsnowornever My husband died 6 years ago. The man I am in a relationship with lives 70 miles away and we do not share more than our time together. We see each other once a fortnight or once a month and have a great time. But that is the extent of our relationship. There is love there of course, but maybe that is now not enough.

Itsnowornever01 Wed 13-Jul-16 22:05:47

Just be mindful of the fact that this other guy probably/may just want to get his leg over and is not actually thinking as deeply about it all.

StirredNotShaken Wed 13-Jul-16 22:07:53

That's a possibility of course, but I think I know him a bit better than that.....plus he knows better than to treat me that way....I think! Food for thought though.....confused

Littleladylumps Wed 13-Jul-16 23:32:05

I spent 14 years apart from my first love, had a DC and 2 husbands in that time but always day dreamed of the first love. Got back together, now married with 2 DC. However, I had our relationship on a pedestal over what a fairy tale it was when we were teenagers and care free.
It can work, as long. As everybody realises people change a bit.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now