Moved house, suffering from anxiety and don't fancy partner anymore??

[littleme2675]

Hello....

I really love this forum and felt the need to send a message in here as I havent spoken to anyone outside of here yet as I feel so bad about my feelings.

I have bought this lovely house with my partner, we are engaged and up until about a month ago, I have what I can only describe as totally gone off him, to the point, we are sleeping in two separate rooms, him in one room and me in the other. I am enjoying my time alone, sleeping, chilling, reading and finding me again which makes me feel like I am now single weirdly.

We use to do everything together, at the weekends we enjoyed what we would get up to, to going away, to skiing to shopping etc, life was good. We are very reserved in the fact it has always been just us together and nobody else. In the week, we both work long hours finishing after 7pm and leaving the house at 7:30am, we have no children, good lifestyle and are keen fitness freaks as well. So life is, or was good...We have only been together just over a year.
We lived together for a good few months before, he lived with me for 6 months and it was great, no problems there and he sold his house before then selling mine to buy this one together, we felt it was the right thing to do....

However, since moving into our new house about 3 months ago, because the move has been so horrific, (it is a new build) we have hated every minute of it. We are now in contact with a solicitor to see what we can do because of the list of issues which havent been resolved at all. The sheer thought of living with my partner now has actually got to the point of me just not fancying him anymore and getting annoyed with him, short with him and just grumpy around him too.

I am wanting to spend more time doing my own things, going to the gym alone, we use to go together, seeing my family without him and everytime he is around me, I feel I just don't fancy him and he irritates me all the time.

You know, he is such a nice guy, mum thinks he is too passive for me and just there around me all the time, as he literally does a lot for me in the house and now I find it annoying. We have decided we now want out the house we live in as it has got to the stage of hating living here and I am pretty much stressed and feeling anxious everyday and at times just want to run away. I feel pretty much homeless, I hate the house this much and I am feeling numb whenever I feel I have to go home and live with my partner in this house.

I have now come to the conclusion I am not sure if its him and the house or just the house, but I literally don't want him anywhere near me physically which is really weird. We lived together for 6 months before, he was living with me, he sold his house and we were fine, then as it was a good time to sell, we bought a house together and it felt right! My brother pretty much moved into his partner's house a year later and they are as strong as ever like we use to be?

We use to have fun, sex was a strange issue at the start as we werent quite in sync together and took about 4 months to resolve, we are ok now but my sex drive has pretty much plummeted and is non existent. There was a lot of talking, understanding and reasoning at the start to get to understand what that was all about, he use to take a while to climax. He has since been better but takes a few days for him to relax or be able to be in sync, if that makes sense, its taken months to get here.

Has the house really changed me or did I kid myself that I was really in love with my partner, as I wouldnt have got engaged if I didnt think he was right, I was so in love with him, we never really argued - can feelings change so much in such a short space of time, a month??

We use to break up, well we broke up twice over sex at the start of our relationship because, we werent being honest with one another, he had a high sex drive, I felt intimated by him and he suggested things, I wasn't too sure of, we spoke over time but always had a solution for it and worked on it, now its pretty much off the radar but something has triggered me to feel this way??

definitely not PMT lol, as its been going on a month now, separate bedrooms seems to be what is bothering me the most and making him worse, any suggestions or thoughts please would be great, as I am not sure on who I am anymore. I feel I have let myself down, him and everyone else too!

I work for myself, love my job, friends, studying beauty and have a lovely family, I suffer now from anxiety over this and it can get to the stage where at times I hate being at home. I havent suffered this for 20 years, (stress/anxiety that is) I am now in my early forties!

thank you.xx

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

irritability, wanting to be alone and lack of sex drive are all symptoms of depression, hating a place you live could cause that - I'm not saying it's definitely depression but do you think it might be? If you didn't say you were 'so in love' quite recently I'd just say you never really loved him - or deceived yourself that you do for some reason, just settled for him, and now (facing life problems) he annoys you as he's not enough. But if you did love him, it could be depression or just a temp stress related to your move.
I think until you move out to a happier place, you wouldn't really know for sure. If you think you do absolutely know hat he's not for you, and you aer not depressed towards anyone else (still enjoy socialising) then you'll have to end the relationship, can't see any other solutions. You could try couples therapy bt you need to want to sort it oput for that, if you don't there's no point.

[littleme2675]

Thank you for your reply, thats a very good point, so on my course I am enjoying everyone's company, I love it, at work, I come back buzzing, at the gym love the classes, but everytime I come home, I hate to say I feel this horrific dark cloud over me where I feel quite traumatised over it, like it just comes over me in a huge wave. I feel the sooner I move out myself, the sooner I will be a lot happier. I havent felt this way at all until the 1st month I moved in, so I know its the house and dread, with a passion going on, but then alongside not wanting my partner it just triggers more difficult emotions more and more. He wants to rent with me after we sell, but personally speaking, I just want to move on my own. I am still meeting up with friends, family and seeing clients so I know its not them, its definitely something dark going on in my head when I think of him, the house and just those two combined, I actually felt I needed help it was that bad at one point. Luckily the gym helps, I don't think I really loved him if I feel this way now. He has asked for the ring back as he cant afford to keep the payments monthly for them.. which is fine! ...

[SandyY2K]

Given how you feel once you sell the house, you might as well go your seperate ways. I'm not sure if you feel he is to blame for any of the issues with the house or if he choose the new build and you feel resentment towards him subconsciously.

Whatever it is, there doesn't seem much hope or point when you feel this way and are at the point of seperate rooms and feeling happy without him.

Break off the engagement and call it a day.

[littleme2675]

thank you Sandy, I do feel a lot calmer when I am not sleeping next to him, I was starting to suffer with panic attacks since moving into this house with him so I know I feel somewhat stifled around him and I just feel sorry for him but not feeling love at all more sorry, if that makes sense. I was the one who saw the house and thought yes I want to live there and so did he however we did feel it was too big, but not in a bad way...so now its actually making me ill, its got to that point, its awful!!

[MatildaTheCat]

You've really rushed into this and now find yourself living on a house you hate with a man you've only been together with for a year. I wonder if yes, you are depressed but also your dp has become linked in your head with the house? It seems another rush to bail out so soon, both on the house and your relationship.

See your GP and be honest. Definitely try to resolve the house issues before you sell or you could take a big financial hit. It might all be workable and your reaction is one of panic, not reason.

[LovePGtipsMonkey]

if you are that sure, OP, and it's just him that sets you off and no one else, then I think you've decided already. You have to split up, if you need spelling it out.

[user1497437262]

Hello, I hope you are still active on the forum because your story is so incredible similar to mine. I've looked a lot on the internet to find a similar story but without succes. Although there some differences. Me and my partner are now together for some 9 years. We were living together for 6 six years in my apartment, we have a girl which was born when we still were living in my apartment. My partner was always pushing to buy a house. I didn't really felt the need , I had a nice apartment and I felt good. Until december 2014 when we bought a new house. The renovation was like hell. Everything had to be done from scratch and we were living in it. After 1 year and 8 month I began to have anxiety attacks and in the beginning I didn't know where it came from. At a certain point I couldn't enter the house anymore and I needed to stay over in friend's house. This was with real mixed feelings because I suffered also from the fact that I was separated from my family. Bit by bit I began to understand that the reason had to do with the degree of the engagement: buying and renovating a house together is symbolically really very intense: have to decide on everything together, it's like a complete fusion.At a certain moment I began to rent also a small flat that I use in case my anxiety is too strong. There I experienced that being alone with myself between 4 walls has really a calming effect, but again at the same time you feel like separated from your family. I've tried it out in the house: a separate room for myself and I've discovered that I slept much better than if would sleep in the bed of my partner. And very similar to you I don't like the house and I need my own space. But I at the same time I want to try everything in order to save the relationship, especially regarding my daughter. I must say that our relationship is a functional one (not too much passion), and we are very different as it comes to the household keeping: I am very tidy, she is very messy, so always some arguments but it did work well in my apartment. I think what I have is that I have fear of engagement and that relationship worked as long as I stayed in my apartment which I considered as my home. Psychologist say that it has to do with the feeling that when you have your own place you feel like a bit you are the landlord and the partner and kids are more considered as renters. I know that might sound weird but it could be actually true. I steel feel the anxieties. I am very much interested in how your story has been evolving since july last year. Hoping from your feedback soon.