Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Leaving my husband, feel so alone

(10 Posts)
Anon462 Tue 12-Jul-16 21:20:20

Sorry I just need to get this off my chest.....,,I have been with my oh for almost 17 years, married for almost three, two children, aged 4 and 1. I have probably been unhappy for a few years but have always pushed those niggly thoughts aside as we have been together for so long, and im from a broken family etc. Probably in the last 6 months or so I have been thinking more and more about how I unhappy I am and keep going over and over in my head after every row etc. We have no spark, there is no affection his side at all. No intimacy. His job is very demanding and is away a lot, out a lot, coming home late and often drunk. I feel like I don't get a lot of support at home. We argue/bicker constantly and very rarely go out. Any social engagements are almost always arranged by me l, along with every other part of family life. When he is home is he miserable, shouts at the kids etc? Complains about everything. He has no get up and go at all. We have talked/argued before about these issues, I explained I cannot live in a loveless/sexless marriage, never going out etc, He would say he would change, make an effort etc and it would all last a week at the most before he was back to his old self. I've felt like we have gone round and round in circles getting no where. Then a couple of months ago an old work colleague got in touch,m via texting. it started off just talking, catching up etc then he made it clear he wanted more and had a thing for me back in the day, things got flirty and escalated. At this point I realised my marriage was over for me as i would never have contemplated talking to another man. Nothing ever happened with him but I started to feel what would it be like if it did. It took me a few weeks, going over and over in my head about splitting up - could I do it, do I really want to, what about the kids, money etc. I spent weeks laying awake in bed, crying, feeling so low and unhappy, then I finally had the 'conversation'. It's been awful, he took it badly, no one understands my reasons. From the outside we have the perfect life - nice house, I don't have to work, no money worries etc. But no one sees the real him or the rows we have etc. We are going for counselling at his request but I feel I'm done and just don't know what to do. He has been staying at a friends but texting me constantly saying how alone he is and how devastated he is and will do anything which is making it so hard, plus I have huge guilt about texting the other man.

bluecashmere Tue 12-Jul-16 21:32:27

Go to counselling if only to get him to understand how you feel and why it's over for you. You can't stay with him through guilt. Don't best yourself up about the other guy either if you've done nothing more than text. That guilt is achieving nothing. Focus on looking after yourself and your kids.

HundredYearsInTime Tue 12-Jul-16 21:35:53

Well, forget the other man now. You just did because you were vulnerable. Can happen to anyone.
Do you think he can really change and all that worked for him as a wake up call? Do you want to give it another try?
No intimacy in a relationship is hard to fix, but only you can tell. If you are not willing to work hard and try to fix the relationship, be strong now and let the first hard times go so things get better later.
Wish you good luck 🍀

Anon462 Tue 12-Jul-16 21:49:39

I don't think he will ever change, I have tried telling him so many times, I think that's why I now realise I can't keep doing this and having the same argument/conversation over and over again. I have tried to ignore it and just get on with things because of the kids, and not wanting to split up the family etc. But I think my happiness should count and is important. I don't want to get 5/10 years down the line and hate him and think I have wasted my life with someone im unhappy with.

HundredYearsInTime Tue 12-Jul-16 21:53:21

Then you did right. Children may want their parents together but none like to have an unhappy parent. It can be hard for them in the beginning but I bet they will love to have a happy mom in the end. Life is much better for everyone when mom is happy.
Don't waste your time any longer.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 12-Jul-16 22:03:47

My situation is similar, grown apart, no communication, no intimacy, he has no get up and go for anything other than DIY & Xbox, has never in 20 years so much as booked us a meal, just nothing. From the outside though all looks rosy but I'm so bloody unhappy and I'm not doing it anymore.

Hotwaterbottle1 Tue 12-Jul-16 22:04:04

Sorry that was a rant!

SandyY2K Tue 12-Jul-16 22:11:36

If you're done, don't waste time and money on counselling and give him false hope. Your word that it's over should be heard and understood loud and clear by him.

Having a DH who just shouts at the kids and doesn't give you any affection is not nice to say the least.

You can get the relationship you want with someone else.

The damage has been done in this marriage and he has to accept your decision.

Anon462 Wed 13-Jul-16 09:24:15

Thanks everyone, I think it's definitely over, we have counselling tonight and I think it will help him see things clearer. More than anything.

I think we are both scared of the future and the changes It will bring, no more family holidays/trips etc, but when I think about them they always end up with us arguinganyway. I think I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel special and happy - they do exist right?!

Hot waterbottle1 if your not happy then definitely do something. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done and getting the courage to do something was terrifying but I know it's only going to get harder but it is the right thing to do.

Crossroads16 Wed 13-Jul-16 15:00:03

I'm going through a similar thing at the moment with my husband. He's been at his dads for a week as I told him I needed space. We love each other but I'm not sure were "in love" any more. He's coming round to talk at the weekend so we can decide what it is that we both want,

Your happiness is paramount and if you truly believe he is never going to change then he isn't the man for you.

Good luck at counselling.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now