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How to move on when DP doesn't want to try again for a baby

(9 Posts)
FrazzleRock Tue 12-Jul-16 15:53:18

I hope I can keep this brief. 
DP didn't ever want his own children (I knew this from the beginning) and I was happy with my two (from previous relationship). However, when we got that surprise positive test, we were both overjoyed and very excited to be expecting our baby, despite our feelings beforehand. 
We put an offer on a bigger house, made lots of exciting plans and started buying stuff and making name lists. Even began telling close friends and family.
9 weeks into my pregnancy we found out I'd had a MMC. Devastated doesn't come close.
We began TTC a few weeks later and we were successful very quickly (amazingly, as I have PCOS and really struggled TTC my DC). Yet again we were very excited. Only five hours after testing positive, I began miscarrying.
I went for tests privately and have been prescribed progesterone and baby aspirin so we were all set for a successful pregnancy. 
When I got home after seeing my consultant, DP told me he didn't think it was a good idea to TTC at all. He said my two already take up a lot of our time and if we have a baby we would no longer be financially comfortable and probably struggle. 
I know he's right. He has a very sensible head and is very practical, but my heart is broken. I'm not coping at all, and I seem to have lost myself.
I feel selfish for wanting this so much and I should be so grateful for what we have already.
We moved into the house we chose when we were expecting the first time, and it's lovely and everything should be perfect. But this is hurting me incredibly. I'm mourning my lost babies and the baby we'd planned to have. I struggle even to walk into the "baby's" room. DP hates the fact that he's causing my hurt but just cannot change his mind. He's being really supportive. He even told me I should yell and scream at him if I want to. But I know it's wasted energy.
I wish I could go back to not thinking about more children, and stop day dreaming about our future child but I don't know how to. 

Littletabbyocelot Tue 12-Jul-16 16:58:36

I am so sorry for your losses both past and potential.'The advice I was given (in different but related circumstances) was to do a 'pleasure and distraction project', something big to throw myself into and at least part of it purely for fun. I learned dressmaking the first time, the second time we did some big diy, which helped because instead of crying going into rooms in the 'family' home we'd just bought I could focus on decorating.

Silverleaved Tue 12-Jul-16 16:59:41

I'm so sorry for what you've been throughflowers

I'm not good with advice but maybe think back to the things you had planned for your life pre-surprise pregnancy, or plan new things.

FrazzleRock Wed 13-Jul-16 07:19:46

Thank you to both of you.
What you're saying makes sense. I just need to work out what I can be as passionate about, because nothing seems to distract me right now.

DP and I had a horrible argument last night. I've not slept at all, I'm on my way into work and my head's pounding and my eyes are swollen from sobbing all night. I'm supposed to be seeing friends for dinner tonight too.

It sounds really 'woo' and I'm not religious at all, but I do wonder why we were given two babies for them to be taken away and then nothing. It just seems so cruel.

TheSkyAtNight Wed 13-Jul-16 14:30:25

I think you need to allow yourself to grieve. Don't keep thinking how grateful you should be - you know that and you are, but right now you also have a lot to grieve. Can you find a way to honour and give time to your losses? I am so very sorry - what has happened to you is cruel. It's not 'woo' to wonder why.

Pleasure and distraction are great too- very important in healing, but the grief came first for me. I can still remember the first time I felt happiness after one of my losses. It was driving in the sun the following summer (which may also sound 'woo'!). I found smaller things gave me more pleasure. Sometimes I needed to take life slower, sit more and just be. Sometimes I needed to run and block out my thoughts with audiobooks (music made me cry). But that was me - you might need to do very different things. You'll find them if you let yourself. Hugs

Littletabbyocelot Wed 13-Jul-16 14:45:38

Yes, sorry, I think my advice was a step on in the process. Definitely grieving first.

FrazzleRock Wed 13-Jul-16 15:37:55

We are going to plant a flowering cherry tree in our new garden on our due date - 24th Sept. I want to make the day really special so I'm thinking of other things we can do to mark the day. We also plan to get a little tattoo each.

I miss the old me and how much fun life was. I'm not the person DP met and fell in love with. I don't know who I am anymore. It's been 4.5 months since the MMC. The first few weeks were impossible but then it got easier to deal with as we were TTC again so I guess that masked the grieving process quite well. Since DP changed his mind, I've been a horrible mess. Crying everyday, on the train, at work, out shopping. It's hideous and I want 'Me' back but I'm scared it won't happen.

Lots of people know about our losses, but things move on for them and its old news now. But it is still so fresh in my mind, the day the sonographer said 'Your baby's heart has stopped beating".
When does that start fading?

TheSkyAtNight Wed 13-Jul-16 16:25:16

A flowering cherry is beautiful and so lovely that you are making plans to do things together. The tattoo is a reminder that you are forever touched by your baby.

People talk about a 'new normal' after loss. It can take a long time to feel 'yourself' again - a new self, but with lots of the old you there. For me, I did a lot of sifting through and deciding which bits of myself to jettison. My life looks quite different now and I am happier, strangely, because I follow my feelings more now. The losses put things into sharp perspective I found.

You will feel happy again. 4.5 months is early days. Due dates and anniversaries are hard for many people. Gradually you will have more good days than bad. You won't forget but you will start to see the gifts your babies have given you. That's not the 'silver lining' rubbish. There is no upside to losing a baby, but you will make your losses a meaningful part of your life in time. That's my experience, but at 4.5 months I couldn't believe it when other people told me these things.

Surround yourself with gentle people and be kind to yourself. Easy to say, hard to do. flowers flowers flowers

FrazzleRock Thu 14-Jul-16 09:23:19

Thank you for your wise and very kind words. You're right about the gifts our babies have given us. We would never have found our house if it weren't for our first one. But it's also brought us so much heartache and caused such a huge rift in our perfect relationship and DP thinks that it's been nothing but a curse sad
We're talking about going to couples therapy, so I hope that will help as we love eachother deeply and need to do something before this fucks everything up for us.

Anyway, I just want to say I am really grateful for you being so kind and empathising with me. I do wonder sometimes if I have been over-reacting.
A good friend of mine said to me last night "you've been to hell and back" though I'm not sure I've left yet.

Thank you for the flowers xx

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