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What do you do when a friend won't discuss a problem? How do we move on?

(36 Posts)
Waitingforsleep Mon 11-Jul-16 20:37:38

Trying not to give away details but hat is the crux of the problem really.
I don't understand why my friend won't chat about the rift we have had to then move on. She wants to just move on without the talking.
It feels really unhealthy and I don't like elephants in the room.
Not sure what to do/make of it?

0dfod Mon 11-Jul-16 20:51:19

Have you thought about writing a letter to her? You can put your thoughts down and let her know how keeping silent on this matter is making you feel.

Waitingforsleep Mon 11-Jul-16 20:54:43

Well we had text and in the text I had said this but she is armament she is "too busy" to talk
That makes me feel not very worthy or important

Ricksheadtilt Mon 11-Jul-16 21:04:53

Was the problem personal? Maybe she doesn't want to open it back up by talking about it again. At least she still wants to remain friends. Maybe an email or text? Sometimes it's easier to open up not face to face. I've been in your friends shoes. I'm usually very open, but on one occasion I was just too scared to come clean and open up.

Waitingforsleep Mon 11-Jul-16 21:15:52

No it wasn't majorly personal that she would want to come clean about. I don't understand how if one of you wants to talk about something the other wouldn't. I mean if his were a marriage me and my husband talk about stuff, argue even but then get through it. Surely it's not right to pretend I'm ok when I'm not? just doesn't feel right?

Thisisnow16 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:32:50

Email or Facebook message?

SolidGoldBrass Tue 12-Jul-16 00:17:16

It depends a bit on the history and what the thing is. Some people are whiny and have to go on and on and fucking on about every little imagined insult, and the only way to keep being friends or even acquaintances with them is to distance yourself and keep things light.

Some people think that horrible behaviour can just be glossed over - and to be fair this is sometimes easier in the long term than telling each other what you really think.

Do you want the friendship to continue? Do you want an apology, or some sort of restoration for whatever she did?

Waitingforsleep Tue 12-Jul-16 14:59:32

Well one of the reasons we hadn't spoke for a while is because it was always me making contact me trying to arrange to meet up. I felt a bit fed up of it so I stopped and then the contact stopped apart from the odd text.
During this period my father had cancer and months went by and I didn't hear anything.

If that had been my Friend I would have at least text to ask how he was doing etc.

I got back in contact and said that I felt a bit upset at the lack of contact and so backed away a bit but that I missed our friendship.

But was met with responses that has made me question- is it me wanting too much? Am I just needy? It was like well I'm busy and whilst it's great to see you when we meet up I'm also ok when we don't...

Not sure what to do. I feel we didn't have the same value on what makes a friend I suppose. Yes I have friends for coffee etc but feel a friend who has been around for 20years is deeper than that? But now I feel like just someone to hang out with now and again and feel silly for putting more on it than I should have?

Pimmmms Tue 12-Jul-16 15:12:55

She has answered your questions with her silence i'm afraid. She is unable, for any number of possible reasons, to be the type of friend you want her to be.

She isn't willing to put the effort into this friendship that you are. So its decision time, and you need to make a decision without inpout from her.

Meemolly Tue 12-Jul-16 16:56:27

It really sucks, doesn't it? (sorry I can't think of a better word to use). I had a 'friend' like this, and ultimately, despite our history, I had to step back as I realised it was reliant on me and she just really didn't care. It still hurts now a couple of years on, but at least I am not running after someone who clearly wasn't that bothered about me.

Waitingforsleep Tue 12-Jul-16 19:23:54

Well I suppose I made my decision when I stepped back from contacting but then re ignited it by getting back in contact and being honest that I felt a little hurt. I just wasn't prepared for the whole attitude I got back to be honest as if I had a friend say that something I had done had hurt their feelings I would be sorry I had indirectly done that. I'm not needy at all but I can see that I place too much emphasis on some things or maybe I don't but I felt hurt when my birthday would be forgotten etc.
There isn't really a choice to make I don't think. We are on speaking terms but I don't feel I can just hide my feelings I'm jay not built that way so I expect we will drift again.

The thing that most bothers me is that I now feel under confident that it's not me being unreasonable and that its my fault this has happened by my obvious criteria on what a 20 year friendship should be like. Maybe I'm being hard on myself but I do feel upset that it's not being fought for or even wanted to be spoken about. What a waste of 20years!

Thisisnow16 Tue 12-Jul-16 20:15:08

You do sometimes get misunderstandings and sometimes you do have to look at yourself and wonder is there anything that you could of said or done that could have been taken the wrong way. Also sometimes friends act like this when they have problems in their life and withdraw, so that's something to consider.

Waitingforsleep Tue 12-Jul-16 20:23:57

Yes I understand this, we had a few texts that were mis understood and I said as much, that we had crossed wires and I would like a quick chat as the written word can be mis understood so it's good to talk rather than text. That's when she said she was "too busy at work" and "too busy to go over it" however if I wanted to meet and carry on as usual that would be nice. I just can't be false and I feel upset I also feel why should I stuff it away? I said I respected that and wouldn't push her to talk to me, what more could I do.

EarthboundMisfit Tue 12-Jul-16 20:34:42

She is offering you two choices. Carry on as before, or don't bother with the friendship. She isn't offering what you want. It's unfair, but all you can do is choose one of the two options.

Waitingforsleep Tue 12-Jul-16 20:37:30

Yes I understand that and realise that now having worked through on this thread I realise it's more me. How do I move on and be confident with friendships In the future. It's made me feel in sure if anyone understands?

maddiesparks Tue 12-Jul-16 20:40:30

Sounds like she is feeling a bit cross about it and doesn't want to talk about it for fear of saying something she might regret and so just wants to move on. She might talk about it when the dust has settled but she obviously doesn't want to right now. I agree with you that if my friend said I'd hurt her feelings (even if inadvertently) I would be wanting to talk and apologise but she sounds a little selfish. Do you really want to continue investing in this friendship as it sounds one sided on the face of it.

Bambamrubblesmum Tue 12-Jul-16 21:00:55

I was in your friends position a number of years ago. My friend had done something very very hurtful and deeply distressing to me that I just couldn't talk to them about without ripping open the wounds again. The problem was her family were putting a lot of pressure on me to get in touch with her because she was so upset. I might add that a member of my family had explained to them what the issue was but my feelings just got denied and steam rollered because she was upset.

At that point I realised there was no point at all in continuing the friendship if it all had to be about not upsetting one person. We were stuck in the childhood friendship pattern and not interacting as independent adults.

I wasn't going to put myself through the trauma of having a heartfelt discussion to make her feel better. So I walked away, I suppose you would call it ghosting. Do I regret it? No. I don't feel like I owed her any explanation at all if there wasn't mutual respect there. Our friendship was longer than 20 years but on reflection I'd realised it was predicated on staying in a certain role and never really being honest or real. I don't think that's a friendship to be honest and not really healthy.

Waitingforsleep Tue 12-Jul-16 21:12:35

Thanks both, I honesty haven't done anything hurtful and have been respectful in not bothering her to talk. It's funny as she actually said that she is probably just being selfish so yes it has made me wonder why bother also which is the direction I'm heading.
Just find it all hard though. Yes she was cross that I had spoken up about it so I did get that from her but I still can't understand why other than she felt I was critising her as a friend not being there as much as I would have liked and that got her goat. She said she was busy with her own life and supposed I could call that selfish but I would be best to do the same and be happy in my own life.
I am happy but want friends to be a part of it too so I don't get why I have been portrayed as needy? It's only to stay In touch and meet every few months or so?!

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis Tue 12-Jul-16 21:19:53

I had this- a friend who I'd known for 20ish years became unwieldy and had clearly fallen out with me but rather than talk to me about it, she took to posting passive aggressive stuff on Facebook . It was all a bit strange. I kept trying to talk to her about it but she just said 'either we move on or we don't' and refused to talk to me about it. We are no longer friends!

Waitingforsleep Tue 12-Jul-16 21:35:16

How odd for you, not nice sad

SolidGoldBrass Tue 12-Jul-16 22:31:56

People move on and their priorities change. No one owes you friendship, time or their attention. Also, just because you were friends with someone when you were kids, there is no guarantee that you will have anything but the past in common when you get older, and there is only so much time some people have to spare to talk about that time you wet yourself in assembly, or the school disco where you all got snogged for the first time.

Someone who is making no effort to maintain a friendship has lost interest in that friendship. You can either take the hint, or make enough of a pest of yourself that the other person is obliged to tell you to sod off, which is unfortunate for all concerned. It's much easier and more comfortable to let a friendship dwindle away naturally.

HarryPottersMagicWand Tue 12-Jul-16 22:32:45

Do you think she dislikes 'confrontation' and would rather not deal with it?

I loathe confrontation and I'd rather drop a friend then deal with it. Which I know is awful. I lost a really good friend this way. There were issues in our friendship. Things got worse but she wanted to talk about it. I shake and get very panicky and my heart races at the thought of having to deal with this sort of thing (ie, talk to someone and tell them what my issue is) so it drifted and fell apart.

Similar thing with another friend although she did (via messaging) say a few things and I did go back and forth with her (can do it like that even though I was shaking like mad whilst doing it and my heart was racing). Unfortunately she was using it to tell me all the ways in which I was crap and that she had done nothing wrong which wasn't the case at all and she had been a total cow to me and just made a load of half arsed excuses as to why. I was done with her but now and again she still messages but stops replying to me when I respond. I just don't get people sometimes.

I think it sounds like this friend, for whatever reason, isn't actually that bothered about your friendship. Given her unsupportiveness and response to that, I'd drop her.

Thisisnow16 Tue 12-Jul-16 22:51:12

Yes she could be a confrontation avoider.

blimeyalldecentnamesaregone Tue 12-Jul-16 22:57:53

I don't understand how if one of you wants to talk about something the other wouldn't

Sorry but I hate the phrase above. Why does your want to talk about it outweigh her want not to??

blimeyalldecentnamesaregone Tue 12-Jul-16 22:58:38

The above said I have tried to talk about things when I had friendship issue with someone, she ignored me point blank. I would never do that to someone.

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