Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I being too judgemental?

(5 Posts)
Ali89 Mon 11-Jul-16 16:47:56

Hello,

I've been struggling with knowing I'm if being unfair in regards to my relationship and was hoping to get some objective opinions from people that don't know me/us.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we both have health issues so are currently unable to work - this is relevant to my main concern. He is "more well" than I am, over the last year for example he has been able to leave the house 5/6 days a week. I can manage 1 or 2. During our relationship I've completed a degree (part time, distance learning) and have just started volunteering 1 day a week. He has done nothing.

I have never pushed the issue because I know his health background, understand that it is difficult after a break to get back into employment/ study but I'm finding myself becoming increasingly resentful towards him due to his lack of drive. I've tried suggesting things I know he'd be interested in, occasionally suggesting a course might be a good way to start moving forward etc but he always finds excuses why he can't do things. I'm not expecting him to go out and be able to get a job tomorrow and I understand that long term illness, unemployment and depression are all part of things being more difficult which is why I've never pushed the issue but I don't feel like expecting some kind of effort in the space of a year to be too much to ask for? Am I being unfair expecting him to do something I'm not currently doing myself? I think part of the reason I feel so resentful is that I'd love to be able to get a part time job so find it difficult to understand why he isn't taking the opportunity to at least work towards something. I'm finding myself becoming more withdrawn from him, withdrawing from affection/intimacy which I know is unfair but I'm finding his lack of drive really unattractive at the moment and that his lack of effort is something deeper that won't change. I'm wondering if I just need to be more patient and give him time to sort himself out or if its just a part of his personality that wasn't apparent before because of the health issues?

FeckinCrutches Mon 11-Jul-16 16:56:04

Is he resentful of you not getting out?
I suppose it depends on what you are both actually suffering from long term as well.

Ali89 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:57:08

I don't think so, we both have the same illness so both understand to some extent how it is for each other. That's one of the reasons why I feel like I'm being unfair sometimes because I know its not easy but at the same time I feel like if I'm managing to do 'something' why can't he? When he goes out its not just for an hour or two, its literally from about 9am - 3pm. I suppose I just find it hard to think if he can manage being out that much why he couldn't spend one of those days doing something that would help him be able to get a job if/when he felt he could manage it.

FeckinCrutches Mon 11-Jul-16 20:20:02

Where is he going on those days?

0dfod Mon 11-Jul-16 20:40:47

It sounds as though you need to have an honest talk with him, then see what comes from it.

I do not think that you are being unreasonable to be feeling as you do.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now