Weight issues, am I being a cow?

[LilyWeatherwax]

I'm new and not sure if this is the right place so I'm sorry if I've posted in the wrong bit.

My boyfriend has put on a lot of weight recently, like, his face is almost unrecognisable (he seems to pack weight on really quickly) it happened after he switched from a very active job to a very sedentary one, and I just don't find him sexually attractive anymore and it makes me feel like a real bitch.

For what it's worth he doesn't like how he looks at the moment either and I think he will try and do something about it but our sex life is in the toilet. Am I being a shallow cow or do people realistically lose interest in sex with someone overweight ( don't just mean a few pounds either like this is a Henry VIII situation, has gone from toned and muscly to bloated in a couple of months - he says it's not medical).

He's still the guy I love and I know that should matter more than anything physical. Anyway thanks for reading.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Talk to him about it, tell him how it makes you feel.

[MollyTwo]

This is a sensitive subject but You need to speak to him about it. It isn't medical related so he is just being lazy? I would be put off if my DH suddenly packed it on. Being overweight doesn't suit him and we both work not to end up that way. Is he actively doing anything to change his eating habits or exercising?

[artisanroast]

It's not unreasonable at all! We fall for physical attributes and sex is a big part of a relationship.

If you don't find the person you are with physically attractive and you don't have sex you are just left with a friend.

Good luck getting him to lose weight.

My husband was consistently 2 stone overweight so I took lots of unflattering pictures. That and his dad dying from cancer was enough to give him the motivation to lose it.

He has in the past told me I needed to go to the gym to improve my muscle tone. He is telling me now I need to go. I have a 10mth old baby. We have a very open and honest relationship.

xx

[tigermoll]

he doesn't like how he looks at the moment either and I think he will try and do something about it

He KNOWS he's put on weight. He probably feels shit about it, and wants to change. I don't think it would be very nice for you to hammer the point home about you no longer fancying him. Instead, give him a chance to sort it out.

Support his weight loss, reassure him you love him and (if you possibly can) remain physically affectionate with him.

You said this is due to a dramatic change in lifestyle, rather than him not taking care of himself over years and the weight gradually creeping on. Think how you'd feel if this happened to you, and treat him with the compassion you'd want in the circs.

[LilyWeatherwax]

I'm not going to talk to him about it, apart from being supportive of what he wants to do to change it, I just wondered how much of a bitch I was for not finding him as attractive anymore.

[tigermoll]

I don't know how much of a bitch you are being. Two schools of thought:

a) You should fancy your life partner whatever they look like, since your connection goes beyond the physical and should be based on personality and character.
b) You can't help what you find physically attractive, and if your partner's appearance changes radically then you may stop fancying them. And it's not like it's an act of will to find someone attractive anyway, it's just how you feel.

Personally, I think both views are valid. I would lean a little to option a, since if you find yourself totally lacking desire for your partner if they change physically, then how do you expect your sex life to last into old age (by which time both of your bodies will have changed)?

[Thefitfatty]

I would agree with tigermoll. Both DH and I have put on weight since we've met. I'm a pretty active person so I'm losing it. Dh isn't and isn't likely to anytime soon. I want him to get active for his health, but not because I'm not attracted to him anymore. And he's been just as attracted to me at a size 8 as he was a size 18.

Our affection for each other goes deeper than the physical.

[TheNaze73]

I don't think you're being a cow in the slightest, He controls what he eats & how often he chooses to exercise, he should want to do this for himself. Maybe talk to him, if he burns off more calories than he consumes, he'll shift it. The lack of sex would be a motivation to most, I would think

[junebirthdaygirl]

Remember if ye have babies you will put on weight and like many women may find it difficult to lose it for a while. You would be very upset if he thought less of you. I was 8 stone 30 years ago when l met my dh. I am now 11. I have gone through many fluctuations in between. He is still the same weight. He has never commented negatively.
That said you could suggest long walks cycles and buy healthy food. Look at his family. If they are not overweight he will probably drop it soon but if they are this may be him forever.
Has he complained about his weight or is he oblivious. Take lots of pictures as that often startles people into weight loss, including me!