Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Stand off with ex about money

(21 Posts)
EdithBlighty Sun 10-Jul-16 18:02:34

This is a post about child support and maintenance so it could be I'm posting in the wrong place, but I want advice more along the lines of a moral standpoint and to see whether I should stand strong or not.

We split nearly 3 years ago. Ex-H is very bitter. I left him because he was too controlling and an emotional bully at times, I felt like a shadow of my former self and was very miserable but he blamed me for not trying and for leaving with our then 18 month old daughter.

Now we're having a row about maintenance and I'm considering telling him to stick it and not pay anything if he feels he can live with that.

We've never been to CSA. For the last 12 months he's given me £315 a month. About £140 has been general upkeep and the other £175 has been half towards LO nursery fees.

She goes to school in September and it's always been understood the payment would go down to £140 and to me that has seemed fair enough.

I know nursery fees are not considered in CSA payments but we've always done this by ourselves. According to the CSA calculato, going by his earnings he should pay £280 a month so to be fair he has been overpaying for the last year.

I'd understand if he wanted to take the difference off to make up for it.

He now wants me to prove how much LO costs and that whatever he pays, I pay the same. I earn less than half.

He has her two nights a week but never buys extras - for example would neer help towards school uniform and if he takes her on holiday expects me to provide holiday clothes and suncream etc out of the money.I feel that proportionately I spend at least as much on her. By a long way. It's hard to draw up a spreadsheet on how much she costs. If I have a flush month I buy her more, if not, I don't etc.

The real issue is that my boyfriend of two years is moving in next month and my ex wants to ensure he is not contributing to my living costs through maintenance.

I can't be bothered to argue the toss over what will probably be less than £100 if he were to get his way, which he usually does. I know it's a not a small amount of money in itself but I don't feel it's worth the justification and aggravation so I want to tell him to just forget it.

I've been researching child support on the Internet and I can't really find information on how much of it needs to be proved what it's spent on? Or what it should be spent on?

I feel like if he didn't pay any money id feel more in control. For example he gets annoyed if I don't invite him in for a cup of tea or let him in on Christmas morning.

He wants 50/50 so he wouldn't have to pay anything but that's not possible because of his work and TBH I'm glad as his flat is awful and dirty and I don't like the thought of her living there half the time
But I find it really difficult to stand up to him as I do feel responsible for his unhappiness.

I'd love any advice, words of wisdom or just experienced with child support and what it's spent on. And also opinions on whether it's a good idea to forget about the money?

Pearlman Sun 10-Jul-16 18:18:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pearlman Sun 10-Jul-16 18:18:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Sun 10-Jul-16 18:33:58

I agree just go through CMS - your financially and living circumstance have zero impact on his financially responsibility towards his child.

He sounds like the sort of bully that will use anything to try and control you so far better to use CMS and be done with it. Also after a few years of you being primary carer whilst separated any threats to go 50/50 are just that - threats!

LaurieFairyCake Sun 10-Jul-16 18:48:46

There is no reason to discuss this, you just say "we're not coming to an agreement so I'm happy to leave it up to the govt to decide how much the non resident parent should pay".

And never discuss it.

Happydappy99 Sun 10-Jul-16 18:51:17

I would go via cms. You shouldn't have to justify how you spend the money.

Afterthestorm Sun 10-Jul-16 20:58:20

You can't find how much you have to prove what it's spent on because you don't have to prove anything, the government have worked out the percentage of earnings the non-res parent has to pay, it is not dependent on how much it costs to look after the child. You obviously have to pay to put a roof over your child's head and the huge costs of that, it's not just how much you spend on clothing, shampoo etc, he should pay towards that.

He is manipulating you still and making you feel guilty, you shouldn't, if he wasn't a controlling emotional bully maybe you'd still be together!

Afterthestorm Sun 10-Jul-16 21:00:59

And no, it's not a good idea to forget about the money. It's his daughter, he should pay towards her upkeep. You let him off Scott free and he will be laughing!

Emeralda Sun 10-Jul-16 21:09:37

Why should you feel responsible for his unhappiness?
I know it's impossible to keep emotions entirely out of it but I would go via the CMS to ensure it is kept as practical as possible. Having an understanding is dangerous because it allows both parties to work on different assumptions and the situation could change in any number of ways. What if either of you have another child? It sounds like he wants to reserve the right to change his mind at any point.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 10-Jul-16 21:19:39

He was controlling and an emotional bully, so he's not changed one bit has he? He want you to prove what you spend his measly amount of child-support on? Tell him to fuck off!

What would be worrying me more than to-ing and fro-ing about child maintenance would be the effect of his controlling and bullying of your young child. You're out of his vile clutches for the most part but your daughter won't be. He's an arsehole, so he won't be able to help himself focussing on her when he can't mess with you any longer.

I'd be minded to force him to go to court for contact. His presence in your child's life would be of little benefit to her and has quite a lot of potential danger.

starry0ne Sun 10-Jul-16 21:25:06

Under no circumstances give him this information..This will not satisfy him..What if you wrote shopping for DD £20 a week and he says cut it down to £15 .. What if you include a holiday and he doesn't agree..This will never pacify him and it is simply part of his control and manipulation of you.

I would refuse and tell him he agress agreed amount or you will go to CMS..
I also think coming into your house for a cup of tea is part of more control.. Tell him you want quicker handovers for DD and he can drop off at the door in future.. Christmas I do feel is slightly different.

you are NOT responsible for his happiness he is and if he isn't happy then he is an adult and needs to sort it out for himself..I think somewhere along the line he told you you were responsible ( not necessarily in words) and now you need to unlearn it.

Have you looked at the freedon program it may be useful for you to see how Ex still controls you.

DeathStare Sun 10-Jul-16 21:37:02

This is his way of trying to control you. Don't go along with it. Don't give him any information at all. Just put it through CMS

ladylambkin Sun 10-Jul-16 21:43:56

Make an application through CMS his income is reviewed annually. Even if he did have 50/50 shared care he would still have to contribute. He is controlling you financially this way, use CMS services and do not discuss money with him again.

CalleighDoodle Sun 10-Jul-16 22:04:16

Agree totally with everyone else. He is a bully and despite being an ex he is still being financially abusive. Doneverything officially. Dont bend over backwards for him either.

AyeAmarok Sun 10-Jul-16 22:10:11

Very bad idea to forget about the money.

Go through the CMS.

He has absolutely heehaw right to see what you spend the maintenance for your DD on. Regardless of whether your BF moves in or not.

Go to CMS. Take the £280 per month. If you don't need all of it, save it for when you do.

Do not let him bully you like this.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Sun 10-Jul-16 22:17:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoulSista85 Mon 11-Jul-16 00:05:32

I agree wholly with what everyone has said. Go for CMS and break his control as much as you possibly can.

starry0ne Mon 11-Jul-16 07:08:30

I wanted to add now..Kids get more expensive not less.. School trips, then they join Clubs, camping trips, then they want specific presents , clothes rather than happy with anything they are given.

Anyway it is his responsibility to support his DD not your boyfriend..

The more I think of it I agree with others go to CMS.. It takes away any conversations about money..

Dandelion6565 Mon 11-Jul-16 07:16:16

Just go back to him and say it's all too stressful talking about money and that you need to keep a civilised relationship with him. Therefore you will refer it to CMS.

Do not justify your spending it is not for him to pick through your spending. Gain back control. Do not get drawn into conversation, just keep repeating that CMS are the best people to sort it out.

DetestableHerytike Mon 11-Jul-16 07:21:19

Agree with the others.

As the CMS will cost him extra, he may then agree to pay the calc to avoid this.

smilingeyes11 Mon 11-Jul-16 10:05:52

He is still bullying you. Do not give him any explanations. And btw if he has her 2 nights a week once she is at school you may want to change that to EOW contact and 1 teatime in the other week, otherwise you will never see her.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now