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Muslim husband and mild DV

(220 Posts)

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iniquity Sun 10-Jul-16 14:01:55

Hello everyone,
I am looking for some advice, perhaps more constructive than LTB.
We have been married 10 years with two DC. Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious but it was scary at the time. The latest incident happened yesterday because I told him to shut up when he was criticising my driving. When we got home he pulled me around by my hair and hit my head. We haven't spoken since.
In Islam women are meant to respect their husbands and they can legitimatly hit a women if she is disobedient. I don't want to end the marriage, I'm a year away from completing a nursing course and I need his help. I don't want to be a single mum to two and no job.
Any advice, we are normally reasonably happy. I get very stressed when driving, thats why I told him to shut up.

summerblues Sun 10-Jul-16 14:05:47

I'm sorry but Islam does not trump the law. He has repeatedy assaulted you. It makes me really sad that you see this as mild DV sad.

YouSay Sun 10-Jul-16 14:06:18

Seriously what do you want us to say? Your husband assaults you and you want us to tell you it will all be ok. It won't. I assume your dc also got to witness him attacking you. If my husband did that to me I would call the police and get a barring order to protect myself and my children.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 10-Jul-16 14:06:27

I'm not sure what to say to you. He's violent and you're both using his faith as an excuse for the violence.

FWIW I was both my exs were raised Muslim. One I was with for 8 years, and he identified as a Muslim and he never raised his voice to me let alone his hands. The other one was an arse who identified as an atheist - but was slap happy when he didn't get his own way.

Religion has nothing to do with abuse - abusers just use it as an excuse to justify their actions.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 10-Jul-16 14:07:06

Sorry for all the typos.

Horsemad Sun 10-Jul-16 14:07:28

There is no such thing as 'mild' DV.

All DV is totally unacceptable.

yummytummy Sun 10-Jul-16 14:08:38

Islam does not allow beating of women it is often misinterpreted. What is said is something similar to a light tap on the hand certainly not beating about the head. And yes single parenting is not easy but not impossible

MummyBex1985 Sun 10-Jul-16 14:09:37

That isn't mild DV!!! Jesus.

Not sure what you want people to say. That it's ok? It really isn't.

iniquity Sun 10-Jul-16 14:12:12

I called it mild because it is infrequent and no serious bruising. Its not how I want to live my life. I suppose I was hoping on suggestions to reduce the temper. He had started to hit objects instead but he was trying to.make a point thus time.

KittyLaRoux Sun 10-Jul-16 14:12:23

I echo all of the above.

You are minimising this and that is dangerous.

Being a single parent is hard but not as hard as being beaten around the head on a regular basis. Islam does not advocate the beating of women and even if it did so what!

Contact women's aid and start planning to leave him.

HermioneWeasley Sun 10-Jul-16 14:13:25

Advice? What are you hoping to hear?

He's hit you. You were scared. DV tends to escalate. It's extremely unlikely that your kids are picking up on his bullying and aggression.

I hope he doesn't end up killing you. Seriously.

HermioneWeasley Sun 10-Jul-16 14:13:50

Unlikely that they AREN'T picking up on it.

TheDuchyOfGrandFenwick Sun 10-Jul-16 14:14:10

Study hard and make an exit plan for when you are ready to leave. Contact your gp or university and ask for counselling, it will help you get your head in the right place to leave, gather as much support as you can in readiness to leave.

I wish you well.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 10-Jul-16 14:14:53

he was trying to make a point this time Do you not see how sad this sentence is? Please seek RL help.

eurochick Sun 10-Jul-16 14:15:14

There is nothing mild about being hit over the head. If he did it to a stranger in the street would it be acceptable? His faith excuses nothing.

LiveLifeWithPassion Sun 10-Jul-16 14:15:40

Why should him being Muslim allow him to physically assault and be violent to his wife?

The Muslims I know would never do that and the women wouldn't stand for it.

Could you speak to someone in the Muslim community? Regent's Park mosque? I'm sure they could direct you to teachings or something that shows this is not acceptable.

iniquity Sun 10-Jul-16 14:16:48

I was thinking about finishing my course first, it would be very hard to qualify as a single mum, due to shift work. I don't know where this temper comes from, his father is so laid back.

StealthPolarBear Sun 10-Jul-16 14:17:36

So he thinks hitting you is ok?
Is either of your dc a girl? Would be happy for her to receive mild beatings from the person who is supposed to love her?
Is he 'allowed' to beat your children if they misbehave.

youcantakethegirloutof Sun 10-Jul-16 14:17:42

I'm sorry but I really don't think what you are describing is 'mild' domestic violence - he has hit you to the head on a number of occasions - they are serious assaults. You mention that you have children - have they witnessed this or the aftermath? The impact of DV on children's emotional wellbeing is really significant - at the very least you don't want them growing up thinking this is the way you treat women.
If you are not prepared to leave him there are no easy answers. Even if you have no plan to leave him then it would be positive to have a discussion with women's aid. It may be valuable for you to gain some greater insight into DV - there is likely to be a victims programme such as Freedom programme run locally - again Women's Aid will be able to signpost you. There may also be specific support organisations locally/nationally for Muslim women who are experiencing DV that they could signpost you to for support. Are there any family or friends you can access
for support?

Does your partner recognise his abusive behaviour and want to change it? If so there may be perpetrator programme locally that he could access to start to address his issues. There is also a national charity called Respect who offer a helpline for perps of DV who wish to affect change - http://respect.uk.net.

The reality is though that if he does not want to change he is not going to & he will continue to assault you - it is possible that he may harm you much more significantly in future & I would suggest it's likely this behaviour is already putting your children at risk of harm.

iniquity Sun 10-Jul-16 14:18:27

I believe in Muslim countries, most women have been hit. I maybe wrong but wikipedia seems to suggest it is normal in Muslim countries.

RememberToSmile1980 Sun 10-Jul-16 14:19:20

I'm sorry but as a Muslim woman I feel the need to tell you that it does not say you can hurt your wife in Islam. In fact you should read the following:
How to to deal with women if you are a man enough;
When she hits you or pushing you … (hold her hands)
When she get angry ( just hug her )
When she be silent (ask her what is problem)
When she Ignore you (Give her attention)
When she asked you about something (don’t neglected her)
When she want to get away from you ( do not agree with her opinion)
When you see her in the worst situations (Tell her you are beautiful
when you see her Cry( kiss her head and tell her i love you a lot)
When you feel her scared (protect her )
When you see her jealous (that’s mean she love you more than you imagine )
When she say to you i love you that’s mean she have feelings to you more than you think)
When she look into your eyes don’t turned your eyes until she turned it first.
They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them …
Qur’an [2 : 187]
By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.
She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;
When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
‘And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers – men and women – gardens under which rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.’ Qur’an [9 : 71 - 72]gh;
When she hits you or pushing you … (hold her hands)
When she get angry ( just hug her )
When she be silent (ask her what is problem)
When she Ignore you (Give her attention)
When she asked you about something (don’t neglected her)
When she want to get away from you ( do not agree with her opinion)
When you see her in the worst situations (Tell her you are beautiful
when you see her Cry( kiss her head and tell her i love you a lot)
When you feel her scared (protect her )
When you see her jealous (that’s mean she love you more than you imagine )
When she say to you i love you that’s mean she have feelings to you more than you think)
When she look into your eyes don’t turned your eyes until she turned it first.
They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them …
Qur’an [2 : 187]
By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.
She will share your moments, your days, and your years. She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;
When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice. She will always be with you: when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
‘And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers – men and women – gardens under which rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.’ Qur’an [9 : 71 - 72]

icklekid Sun 10-Jul-16 14:19:26

For me it would be a case of not wanting my children to grow up thinking this was normal in a relationship. I wouldn't want my son to do it to a future wife nor a daughter to think its acceptable for a husband to do it to her.

I'm so sorry and appreciate you would find it hard to be a single parent but this is bigger than just you. I hope you have good friends and family who will support you if you were to tell them. flowers

StealthPolarBear Sun 10-Jul-16 14:19:42

I really don't care. Assuming you are in the UK it is not normal and not right. And I don't believe it's right in any other countries.

TheNaze73 Sun 10-Jul-16 14:20:06

Over that time he has hit me about 5 times over the head. Nothing too serious

What do you consider serious then??

You know this is unacceptable.

LockedOutOfMN Sun 10-Jul-16 14:20:45

I would recommend you to see a counsellor, perhaps as a couple and each individually too, perhaps Relate or first see your GP and ask for recommendations or referral.

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