I don't feel happy for pregnant sister

[Lunaticfringe12]

Hi,

I am wondering if anyone can provide insight into what is going on?

I am 36 weeks pregnant after years of trying for a family. Younger sister has had a succession of dc after one attempt each time. She told me last week she is two weeks pg with dc3.

Now it's all she can talk about. I have been finding myself irritated and snapped at her that I didn't feel like talking about babies all the time as there are so many other things happening in the world. I also can't get excited about babies until they are here, as I am a natural worrier.

I also feel annoyed that when my own dc arrives my dsis will spend the rest of this year expecting a fuss over her being pregnant, which has been the case for the past four years as she has either been pregnant or had a newborn. She also becomes very hormonal and angry when pg and with 3 under 4 and unsupportive dh who works away I am worried how she will cope without help.

On top of it all her dh isn't happy about the pregnancy and they have been arguing and are moving house to boot. So the rest of this year will be taken up by their dramas. I also feel perhaps unfairly that she likes getting Pregnant/having dc because of the attention it brings her. She has said as much in the past. So if I am happy for her pg I am basically aware that I am feeding her need for validation and attention (or something).

I suppose I feel sad because I thought that I might get a bit of support/attention for once, but now I might have to avoid them because their lives/dramas seem to eclipse everyone else's.

but on the other hand maybe I am being childish, just not sure what is going on really?

Sorry if this is all a bit unformed and rambling...

[BubblestarUK]

Sounds a bit like you are being hormonal, getting attention shouldn't be your number one priority when carrying a baby. Maybe look at it that your wee baby will bring you much craved for joy, and that's a thousand times more satisfying than gaining people's attention temporarily. What your sister does is up to her, but you look after you. And massive congrats on impending baby :) really happy for you xxx

[Buggers]

I promise when your baby arrives all attention will be on you, it's your first baby which makes it bigger occasion as it means you will be a mum for the first time. As it's your sisters 3rd baby she won't get as much attention as she had with the first and second child.

[Hillfarmer]

I suppose this scenario will just play out in a way that reflects the history of your relationship so far.

What's your pattern with your sister? Are you close in age? Have you always been competitive with each other? Have your successes always been celebrated as much as hers? Do you feel she's always wanted to take the limelight off you?

I would suggest that this is a continuation of whatever has gone before.

You seem to be pretty pissed off at how easy it is for her to get pregnant when for you it was so hard. Unfortunately this is not something one can 'strive to be good at'. You just can't control it. That's why infertility (about which I could write the book) is so bloody hard. Any one who gets pregant at the drop of a trouser is likely to piss you off, but when it's your sister - with whatever else baggage you are carrying - then it's probably worse!

My SiL got pregnant and then a few months later her sister -who was married and always wanted a family - also got pregnant. My SiL acted like her sister had done it to spite her! I strongly doubt that, but she was really put out!

So, having said all that... you probably are being a bit U. Just enjoy your pregnancy...Congratulations, btw ... don't worry about hers. And it's only dc number 3 - it's hardly 'a succession'!

[PsychedelicSheep]

IF she is getting pg/having babies for the attention it brings her (attention from who? Your parents?) then she is a very silly girl. If she does end up struggling to cope with 3 under 4 then it's her problem though, not yours.

I wonder if this is not so much about pregnancy but about the competitive nature of your relationship with your sister? It sounds as though the two of you are still vying for mum and dads attention maybe?

[Lunaticfringe12]

Thanks so much for your advice/comments.

Yes probably just a manifestation of my feeling towards dsis and her dh in general - they constantly seek attention, create drama and generally think the whole world revolves around them. It just seems never ending and I am exhausted with it, so much so that I am now ashamed to say that I don't feel happy about their recent news. I know the answer is for me to take a back seat and concentrate on myself, but for some reason I find it difficult as I have always felt protective of younger sister and guilty if I don't look out for her. But I think she is going to have to try and control her emotions herself with this pg because there is no way I am taking her verbal abuse when I will have a dc of my own this time (hopefully).

[Lunaticfringe12]

The attention my dsis gets is from people on the street/friends etc. She has always struggled to make friends and I believe is envious of me in that regard because for some reason I find it easier to make friends.

Also I realise I am being a bit pathetic because I am 36 not 16... This is why I am confused by my feelings, as thought I was a bit more mature really! Need to stop blaming then but feel they drag me down into pettiness that I don't like in myself.

Solution is clearly to bite my tongue and keep my distance slightly for the next 9 months. Not ideal but probably best for damage limitation as I know they are going to be mired in drama with the new pg, house sale and did I mention they are also embarking on a self build project which they will be obsessing over as well.

[SandyY2K]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Maybe it's best you don't spend so much time with her at the moment. I also used to get irritated with excessive baby talk. I once had 2 pregnant women at work and it drove me crazy. It's all they ever talked about.

If I were you I'd be happy about not having 3 under 4s with an unsupportive DH. It's not a position I'd want to be in.

You can enjoy your first baby and really focus on your family and leave her to the drama.

[crazyhead]

This is an anxious time for you and I think you are displacing at least some of your feelings onto your sister. This isn't to say she may not be a PITA but in a different place yourself you'd hardly notice it.

If I were you I wouldn't overanalyse your feelings because one way or another, you will feel very differently when your baby has arrived

[MummyBex1985]

I understand your irritation. I am currently struggling with infertility too. Then one of my closest friends announced they were accidentally PG with #3 and didn't really want it but were making the best of it.

Felt like punching him. Although if I was PG I would probably be too happy about that to concentrate on anyone else!

[Lunaticfringe12]

Thanks for more useful comments.

yeah, I am probably thinking a bit too much along the lines of "how will this affect me?" When my dsis and her dh don't need my permission on how to live their lives and I don't need to give them any more support or attention than I feel able to give.

The unease I feel is also related to the fact that I am conflicted about how I'm 'supposed' to feel (elated at their new baby news) and how I actually feel (dread!). But all I can do is put in boundaries for now, live and let live and deal with my own new arrival as best as I can, with the support of my other family and friends, and realise that dsis isn't going to be as supportive as I had initially hoped.