Parents divorcing

[Needsomehelp2016]

Hi,

I would like some advice. My parents have always had a dysfunctional relationship and finally after decades my dad is divorcing my mum. I have always had a close relationship with my dad and a strained one with my mum. My mum is a 'narcissist' and therefore never in the wrong and she likes all conversations to revolve around herself. She has said a large number of unkind things to me over the years when drunk, which she denies. Now that my dad has left her she is of course devastated but any interactions entail her running down and blaming my dad which I find really difficult. I am looking for advice on how to move on from here - I won't ever be close to my mum but would like some sort of amicable relationship. She was very unhappy in the marriage and I am hoping that she will now become happy. I will not tolerate any unkind words going foward. This is all a muddle. Can anyone make any sense and help me?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. Adult children of narcissists can and do trip up when it comes to changing circumstances re the narcissistic parent. Your mother has not altered fundamentally; she is still the same person she ever was. She will never be "happy".

Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives either leave or are actually as narcissistic as they are. Am not therefore all that surprised that your dad has now decided to end the marriage.

I would also keep well away from your mother and keep all interactions to a complete minimum. She will still likely use you to run down your dad as well as you; you may well remind her of him so you could well cop her further barbs from her too. You need to put mental as well as physical distance between you and your mother.

[daisychain01]

I'd let the dust settle and allow you parents to complete the process of separation.

It will be highly charged emotionally so don't get into that shitstorm. Maybe when things settle down your relationship with your DM may be on a more even keel?

[youshouldcancelthecheque]

How you ended your OP is perfect, tell her that you are trying to have a good relationship with her but that you won't tolerate her running your Dad down. Keeping repeating it, when she does it walk away,

[Isetan]

I suspect your definition of amicable is very different from your mother's and you will probably never be on the same page. If you're mum is a narcissist then the type of relationship you have with her will be dictated by the strength of your boundaries and your ability to police them. Accept her for who she is (and the limitations that her personality places on your relationship) and let go of the person she can never be.

[Needsomehelp2016]

Thank you for your comments - they are very helpful.

[SandyY2K]

Tell her you don't wish to take sides or hear her speak negatively about your dad. If she does - put the phone down or get up and leave.

She'll get the message.

I'd also keep my distance and only interact with her when absolutely necessary.

[MatildaTheCat]

For a start I would only see her at alcohol free occasions.

[Needsomehelp2016]

She lives 3 hours away which is good so at the moment contact is only by phone. After hours on the phone last weekend I have just messaged this weekend. Much better! Alcohol free is tricky as need to stay over due to distance. However I have a stressful job so quite happy to feign tiredness at 8 o'clock!! I Feel she has much more to lose so feel more confident in setting boundaries and sticking to them. It really helps to offload here. Thanks!