Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex can't control me any more but is now manipulating the dcs

(19 Posts)
Savagebeauty Sat 09-Jul-16 08:05:38

They are 19 and 17.
Been divorced 18 months, after realising that I had been emotionally abused and gaslighted for years .
I haven't seen him since then and all communication done by email/text.
And there is very little of that, thank goodness.

Last week he sent me a number of very abusive emails after refusing to go half on a very expensive school trip he had previously agreed to. How he wasnt a cash machine, he'd paid for everything in our marriage, I provided nothing ( not true)
I was very reasonable in my replies..I can luckily completely detach from him.

Ds came back from his and said "I can see where dad's coming from...he's got a point". So I look the bad guy in this.....hounding him for money .
He has done something similar to dd, causing her great upset and affecting her self esteem, and then has twisted his original words to imply she imagined it.

I know they both love him..of course they do, he's their dad. But I feel he is still trying to get at me through them. He hates the fact that I am happy, have plans, have succeeded despite him.
Sorry, just feeling a bit fed up with it all.

Penfold007 Sat 09-Jul-16 08:52:08

Do you have an email where he agreed to co-fund the trip as well as the abusive ones where he is now refusing? I would print them off and let both DCs read them. If you can't afford to fully fund the trip you need to be honest and say so. It's tough but your children are old enough to make their own minds up. Presumably child maintence is only going to be in place for a short while.
I'm sorry their father is so manipulative but it's not your fault.

Savagebeauty Sat 09-Jul-16 08:54:14

Yes they know it was agreed.
I've told ds I will pay the full cost.

BombadierFritz Sat 09-Jul-16 08:58:38

If your ds agrees with him then i would guess that means he realises he cant go on the trip, thats the natural consequence of his dad not paying after all?

Penfold007 Sat 09-Jul-16 09:06:46

So you've agreed on this occasion and realistically what else could you have done. However, tread carefully in the future your Ex will try and EA you via the DCs. One is and adult and the other almost adult they will make their own minds up.

Savagebeauty Sat 09-Jul-16 09:13:32

Yes Penfold I fear you're right about EA in the future.
I plan to have no contact with him going forward....no real need to unless it's an emergency with the DC's.

gettingtherequickly Sat 09-Jul-16 09:18:11

I think your kids are old enough to know the truth, he's depending on you not telling them.

Show your DS the e-mail where he agreed and the abusive ones. I think he'll change his mind about who is being reasonable.

RandomMess Sat 09-Jul-16 09:18:44

What a b*stard absolutely not contact moving forward. Presumably maintenance is about to stop anyway.

Expect nothing from your ex and just don't ever bring him up and hope the DC realise what he is like quickly. I hope you were able to explain to your DD that is the sort of reason why you divorced and it's not her but hi?

Savagebeauty Sat 09-Jul-16 09:26:41

I think I need to have a conversation with them this weekend.
I have always tried not to slag him off, have encouraged them to go and see him, bitten my tongue on several occasions when I hear things he's said
Yes, another year of maintenance. Even that has been a hard slog.

He goaded me last week by texting how much money he has , and how he can live in a £1.4 million house.
But I know who's happy wink

Theonslostbits Sat 09-Jul-16 09:33:57

Show your children the text where he is saying he has plenty of money. They will see it is not that he "can't" pay, he "won't" pay and it is purely to wind you up.

TheRealAdaLovelace Sat 09-Jul-16 09:36:48

your children are old enough for you to sit down and talk to them and yes, to show them that text. They are not little kids any more.

crazybat Sat 09-Jul-16 09:37:59

Do what I do to my son when he moans about money. Give him my budget and say you sort it.. They will soon realise that they need their dad to pay towards the trip.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 09-Jul-16 09:38:59

They need to be told the age appropriate truth re their dad.

You should not protect them from his behaviour towards you any more; it has not done you or for that matter them any favours at all. He has and is using your children to get back at you as "punishment" for you having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

Savagebeauty Sat 09-Jul-16 09:50:12

Thank you.
I have tried to be reasonable throughout the whole divorce process..in hindsight I should have got more financially.
Hate it when did says "aren't I lucky that dad pays for me at uni".... er no, that was part of the financial settlement. I've told her that but he is still golden balls.

RandomMess Sat 09-Jul-16 10:40:12

I think importantly you need to tell them about the financial abuse etc. you don't want either of them growing thinking staying at home looking after children carries no £££ worth.

abbsismyhero Sat 09-Jul-16 18:21:14

Tell them the truth now my friend hid it from her kids and her adult children are now not able to speak to her because he will cut them off if they do then he hounds her for a cut of her disability to pay her kids bills

Fomalhaut Sat 09-Jul-16 18:30:55

Tell them. They're old enough to hear ot

Ilovecharliecat Sun 10-Jul-16 02:16:22

Out himself being a liar, your kids need to realise what sort of a person their father is. I've had to tell one of my kids this week the his father told him a huge lie.....sorry if it offends some, but it needs to be done

Atenco Sun 10-Jul-16 03:08:12

Well, I think there is a fine distinction between telling kids the truth and asking them to take sides but a world of difference, IYKWIM.

You have been covering up for your ex's behaviour in your desire to be a good mother, but they need to know the truth to be able to defend themselves too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now