Don't think I can support him any more

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

I've been posting on MN with this user name for years. I'll be disappearing under a new NN after this.

DH and I have been together nearly 9 years, married for 4. We have a 3YO DS and I'm 32 weeks pg with a DD.

At first he was lovely, supportive, pulled his weight around the house. Spoiled by his family (only boy with 3 older sisters) so lacked a lot of basic knowledge (like how to cook / use a washing machine) but he pulled his weight in other ways and tried his best.

Over the years he's become less and less helpful. We've now reached the point where he goes to work, comes home and sets up camp on the sofa. He will only move to go up to bed (and he doesn't always bother doing that tbh). I do everything else. Work part time, caring for DS and all of the housework.

On top of the lack of practical help he has no interest in how I feel. He snaps at me, speaks down to me, complains about me to my family (in earshot of me). I could list specific examples but I'd be here all day.

He has run up about £15K of debt, some in my name. He has control of all of the money. My wages go directly into the account that mortgage etc comes from, which he tops up with what he considers we "need" for the household. He keeps the rest of his money to himself (I don't know exactly how much he earns each month as he's self employed, but at an educated guess he's got £1500 "pocket money" a month, whilst I can't even buy myself new socks).

About a month ago I told him I'd had enough. It was obvious he wasn't happy in the relationship and I was tired of trying to make things work. I gave him a "get out of jail free" card, so to speak. We can't afford to live separately however I felt we could separate and work around that somehow. He refused, saying there was nothing wrong, it was my fault because I don't do anything for myself (when? how? I have full responsibility for house and childcare and no access to money). I have wondered if he's depressed but he refuses to see doctors for any reason so there's no point even broaching the subject with him.

Following our discussion I resolved to work towards getting money for myself somehow and begin saving to get out.

A week after this (so about 3 weeks ago) his mum died suddenly of a heart attack. She was very young and active and it was such a shock. I threw everything in to supporting him. If possible his treatment of me has got even worse and I don't think I can take it any more. I'm exhausted. I'm up during the night almost every night, either seeing to DS, in too much discomfort to sleep, or letting the dogs out (older dog often needs a wee in the night). I'm then up at around 5am for the day. I daren't ask him for help with anything because I know he'll snap. Last week I had to struggle to carry our heavy recycling box out into the street for collection. He's started ordering himself takeaways if the food I cook isn't considered good enough.

I cry all the time. It's affecting DS. I want to go back on anti-depressants but can't due to the pregnancy. I can't see a way out and, let's be honest, what kind of bitch walks out on a husband grieving his mum?

The baby is due in 8 weeks and we've not even discussed names. I can't buy any of the things we need because I don't have access to money. I get £200 a month to cover food / petrol / anything else I need and I'm trying to scrimp out of that but it's just not enough.

What the hell do I do? I'm so trapped.

[magoria]

First off open a new bank account and have your wage/maternity pay put into there.

Buy food etc for you and DC from there on a daily basis if possible so he has to buy his own.

Don't do any domestic chores for him. You are now separated. He can do his own.

Start the ball rolling for separation and sorting out the finances. He cannot refuse. He can delay but cannot prevent you leaving him and ending this.

If you can do this before the baby comes it may be easier as you may feel more trapped with a new baby and maternity pay only.

Good luck.

[Dutchcourage]

I can't see a way out and, let's be honest, what kind of bitch walks out on a husband grieving his mum

One that is sinking fast! You need to get out before you have a breakdown. Who cares if people that don't really know judge?

This guy has made you ill. He is now inadvertently effecting your DC. He might be depressed buy your not a GP and you can't make him better. All you can do now is protect yourself and your DC.

Sounds fucking awful but you can get out of this

[magoria]

You are not a bitch you ended your relationship before his mother died.

That is not a reason to stay.

It is more of a reason to not waste your life.

[Theearthmoved]

Yes agree with having your wages out into an account only you can access. Then make plans to leave or separate. As you are due to give birth soon then you might not want to do that overnight. Definitely get legal advice before you do anything.

Are you safe? If you suddenly withdraw your wages will he be angry?

[SandyY2K]

He was bad before she died and whilst I have every sympathy for his loss, you should carry on with your exit plan. He's not husband material and there's nothing to save if he can't recognise his failings.

[rainytea]

You are not a bitch in any way shape or form.

Would you be able to tell all this to your doctor and get signed off work on sickness (not on maternity)? You need a break before the baby comes and if he's out all day then I guess you'd have those hours to yourself? If that's possible, then in the times off just stay in bed, watch TV, whatever, literally do nothing.

Do you have family who could help you out when the baby comes? Could you tell them what's happening?

You are doing amazingly to carry on with all this anyway, but even more so whilst also heavily pregnant.

I'd also stop doing all the housework, or at least any that directly benefits him. He doesn't need you to wash and iron his clothes or wash his dishes for a start.

The first poster's advice sounds good to me too.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

magoria I have opened a new bank account in a separate bank. If I don't pay into the joint account the bills won't get paid though. I was going to use it to "skim" money if I can.

If I don't do the domestic stuff we will soon be living in squalor. He will just wear dirty clothes and tell people how his lazy wife can't even put on a load of laundry.

I'm also afraid that if I actually leave him he will be granted unsupervised access to DS (and eventually DD). I need to wait until they are old enough to communicate properly for that otherwise they wouldn't get fed.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

I think I am physically safe for now. He prefers to make himself look like the victim and if he were to hit me he would lose all support from family / friends.

He would be angry if I stopped wages. I would prefer to keep things quiet until I'm ready to move.

I have my parents, they are divorced and both remarried so two sets of support. My mum warned me off DH before the wedding. I should have listened to her. She has DS when she can. My dad adores DH as he always wanted a son. He won't hear a word against him.

I don't really want to give up work as I love my job, and it's the only time I get normal adult interaction. I only have 2.5 weeks left anyway.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

I also have the added complication that I almost certainly wouldn't get financial support if we separated as he's self employed. His dad did exactly the same when DH was a child and they know how to work the system.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I'm also afraid that if I actually leave him he will be granted unsupervised access to DS (and eventually DD). I need to wait until they are old enough to communicate properly for that otherwise they wouldn't get fed".

Is this fear really based on fact or is this supposition on your part?. You are your son's primary carer and will become your DDs primary carer soon enough. Do you really think that someone like this man would want unsupervised access let alone actually obtain same?. Men like yours only think of their own selves. His family of origin are the same. He has no interest in his children and he is a really bad influence for them to be at all around. Your son is already seeing his unhappy mother at home; this is no life for him either.

Your H is financially abusive and has used this and other control abusive methods to keep you cowed.

He cannot prevent you from leaving him and you are not a bitch either. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you here but you need to take that first, often the most hardest of steps, to actually call them.

[DelphiniumBlue]

He sounds a horrible, controlling bully.
I think you should stop putting money into the joint account- from what you say he is not matching it, but keeping his money for himself. Tell him that you are doing this, and that he needs to make up the shortfall, as you can't afford to subsidise him any more. Have this conversation in front of someone for your own protection.
You know he doesn't love his own children enough to provide for them, and he clearly has no regard for you. Why are you with him?
Youdbe better off financially on your own, at least you'd be able to buy your own socks!
Get urgent legal and financial advice- you'll be more vulnerable with a newborn baby, and if you leave it mightbe better to do it sooner rather than later.

[rainytea]

I hear you and hope I haven't implied it's a matter of "just do x", because I get its complicated!

Are you sure that people's reaction to him wearing dirty clothes and blaming it on you being lazy (esp at 32 weeks pregnant) would really be to agree with him?! Im not so sure.

He's maybe impacted you judgement about the situation and how others would see it. Some may agree with him, but they're likely to not be women and unlikely to be men under a certain age.

[CelticPromise]

Oh Cupcakes I feel for you. You need to get out but you know that. You could talk to your midwife - they should have training in what to do if someone discloses abuse (and this is financial and emotional abuse) and can refer you to the right people. Women's Aid could also be a good start. I also wanted to say, there are antidepressants that are safe to use in pregnancy. If you feel they would help you through this time please speak to your GP.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

Atilla that's actually something I debate with myself a lot. On the one hand, as you say, he is very disinterested in his children. However he thrives on praise from others and loves acting the doting father. For example, we recently went for a day out at a local attraction. DH moaned and resisted during all of the planning, moaned it was too expensive, complained that he'd have to take a day off work. On the day he was Ok, complained a lot about being tired and spent a fair bit of time on his phone. However since then he's been fallibg over himself to show people photos and tell them how amazing the day was.

rainy sadly they do. My family have pulled my aside and suggested that it's not hard to put a wash on. My dad recently bought DH new underwear because he said he was out of clean things (he did have clean, they were waiting to be put away).

I realise a lot of my problem is that I picked a husband to replicate the dysfunctional relationship between my own parents.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

Thank you celtic, I didn't know that about ADs, I will look in to it.

I'm just so scared of managing financially. My career is in tatters since having DS, but I earn just enough to be exempt from any sort of help. I've run the figures over and over and can't see how it can work whilst still paying for childcare. If I can just make it through until DD is eligible for funding I might be Ok.

[CelticPromise]

You might be entitled to more than you think. Child tax credits, housing benefit etc. Women's Aid will know who can advise you on this. It's scary but you would be so much happier without carrying this dead weight.

[43percentburnt]

Have a look on The entitled to website, find out exactly where you stand financially. Does your work provide childcare vouchers? Gather together all paperwork, mortgage, savings, pension, shares etc and all debts - make a spreadsheet and go see a solicitor. Find out exactly how you would stand if you split.

If he is money orientated and knows it is important to pay mortgage, loans etc on time give him warning that you won't be paying wages in as you are buying baby things etc. when you split use a Shl and get your full legal entitlement, you know he is greedy from his current behaviour, so get every penny you are legally entitled to, to ensure you can provide for your DC.

If he wants to show others how great he is, is he aware that financial abuse is illegal? I would email/text him regarding money, he may be daft enough to create an audit trail. Say via text it's not acceptable for him to keep all his wages leaving you unable to buy clothes or baby items.

Your dad bought your Husband pants, I would laugh at both of them. In fact I'd have to tell everyone as it's so pathetic.

Seriously don't worry about what others think, often people want friends/family to remain with a partner for their own selfish reasons. Or they act like they like your partner because they don't want to upset you as it could make seeing him awkward.

You being a bitch, err no, you are living with a greedy, grumpy, incapable man - who is so pathetic he has to have his pants bought by your father.

[rainytea]

Cupcakes - that's appalling then. Really. I would say don't listen to them as they don't seem good barometers of what's acceptable. They're right that it's not hard to pop a load on, so why can't HE?! And why aren't your family backing their own daughter up? That's hypothetical btw because mine don't either, but that shows THEIR failings, not that there's anything wrong with you.

And I'm not sure how to read the bit about you choosing a relationship to replicate your parents' dysfunctional one, but I just want to make sure you realise that it doesn't mean you're in anyway to blame for ending up in this situation in the relationship. We all make choices, but that doesn't make you responsible for his actions (or lack of them) at any point, ever.

Do you have anybody around you who is supportive? Or colleagues you could confide in who won't see him to be "charmed" by him?

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

OP could you consider dropping your hours so you got the extra financial support you need?

I don't often suggest this to people but dropping your hours would take you under the threshold and get you the financial support you need. You personally could benefit from the reduced hours too to focus on your MH.

Put it down as an option if only a short term option.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

I hadn't thought about reducing hours. I have run the figures on me working full time, my current hours and quitting completely but didn't think to try anything.

My only friend that would believe me over him has just been diagnosed with anxiety and depression herself. She isn't in a position to help.

I'm seriously considering taking DS to my mum, she's amazing with him. That way I could work full time to support him, and eventually DD.

[orangeistheonlyfruit]

Cupcakes can't you take the children and go to your mums? Stop paying your wages into that joint account and get an estate agent round to value the house. This can't carry on can it. It will be worse when you have a newborn and have to recover from the birth. Really I would not wait. The stress is not Doing your ds any good or the new baby.

Make the changes today it's your money not his. So what if you don't get support from him I think you may find you have more money left over then you may think.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

My mum lives an hour away from where I work, would make things very difficult until mat leave starts. She's away for a few days at the moment. I need to think, impulsive decisions are what got me in this mess in the first place.

The house is in negative equity I think which complicates matters.

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

you would need more flexible hours after DD is here anyway so doing it sooner rather than later would put you in a better position because housing benefits, council tax and working & child tax credits should be in place before you return to work.

It would also give your employer time to find someone to do perhaps do a job share with you or train someone up to fill the days you won't be there.

16 hrs a week is the minimum. www.gov.uk/tax-credits-calculator use this to help you work it all out.

Remember you can of course ask to increase your hours when you are in a stronger position :)

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

This, of course, is assuming you decide to leave and find your own place.

Have you done all of the obvious like copy important documents? scanning/photographing items and storing the images very simply like emailing them to a new email or by storing them on a PRIVATE facebook photo album as well as keeping hard copies would be very useful.


and you pointed out your husband is self employed finding bank statements or documents relating to the business earnings and copying them will help prove what he is earning with the maintenance.

Yes, its hard to prove what a self employed person is earning but the new CMS is supposed to make it easier and they have access to tax records and such so should be able to estimate his earnings too.

[caffeineneeded]

I sent my stbxh divorce papers whilst I was in a good job and happy in all other aspects of my life except him. I earned a good salary but was not allowed to spend any of it by him. We didn't even need my salary at all as he earns enough. Then his dad died. I felt really bad and let him persuade me to stay. That was 1.5 years ago and I've since had a breakdown and left my job due to stress so absolutely no access to money at all and he loves to let me know that. Now I am just getting back on my feet about to start new job but if I went back in time I wouldn't give two hoots about his dad dying. I knew what I needed to do before that happened. I am a good person and it isn't my fault his dad died. (Also suddenly and very young fwiw) I try not to get upset most days that I didn't sort everything out when I was in a much better position than I am now. You are much more likely to end up being controlled by your h if you stay now in these circumstances. Try womensaid I found them very helpful and they even offered me a room to get away with my dd if I needed. Keep getting as much information from everywhere and I actually found that whilst on maternity leave I had lots more time to go to citizens advice/solicitors etc. I wish you all the best