Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice please...

(4 Posts)
user1468016052 Sat 09-Jul-16 06:08:43

Hi mums,

Caution- long post

Can I get some advice for my friend please? She is a mother of two who has been seperated for all intents and from her husband for well over a year. It started when they bought a house, she poured lots of savings etc in and he made a single, minimal contribution to the deposit and disappeared. Fast forward a few months and they agreed he could move into one of the childrens rooms. After this he has continued to float in and out of their lives. He contributes to the mortgage but does not pay for anything related to the children( even the basics) and doesn't contribute to the rent.

Over the last few months he has become increasingly aggressive and send multiple messages daily calling her a crap mum and being verbally abusive. He has threatened to take the kids away for the entire summer holidays and won't 'authorise' their trip abroad.

He is threatening to get full custody because my friend works full time and has an au pair ( that he doesn't pay for at all) and accuses her of not being there for her children.

He has now told her she has to move out of her room and that is putting their house on the market. In addition he thinks he is entitled to half of her assests even though he has barely contributed to them.

He is extremely controlling and talks to her in a demeaning way. It is breaking my friends morale and she doesn't know where to start. Does any one know what her rights are and how she can protect herself? Is he entitled to anything?

Thanks in advance!

puffinpants Sat 09-Jul-16 06:13:10

I think she should seek legal advice asap. A determination would be made regarding providing for the children. Make sure she saves the text messages. And ask him to leave the house.

pallasathena Sat 09-Jul-16 07:53:17

Agree, legal advice is urgent for your friend's peace of mind and I'd advise that she takes out a restraining order to stop him entering the house.
Tell her to keep all evidence from the various communications and texts he sends. Keep a written diary of events, threats he's made to you or yours.

Get her to contact the police because what he is doing amounts to coercive control and most recently, this has become a crime. The police will need evidence of course but that shouldn't be a problem from what you say. The au pair needs to have an input too and perhaps she/he could be approached in terms of providing a witness statement.
Your friend needs to see this for what it is. He's a bully doing what bullies do which is to wear you down with their nastiness and name calling. She has to be strong, determined and mega confident in herself and her abilities and not believe any of the crap he's throwing her way. What he's doing is a form of mental torture - there's no way he'll get total access to the children. Your friend has to understand that his threats are meaningless. The law will protect her and her children but she has to take action and not just collapse in a heap of indecision and belief that he has the upper hand.
Its a horrible situation to be in but you are a good friend taking the trouble to write in. The best thing you can do for her is help her to be strong, determined and to believe in herself.

user1468016052 Sat 09-Jul-16 07:59:11

Thanks. She has asked him to leave but he point blank refused. He is very manipulative too. The messages are very inflammatory and they are taking their toll on her. I just wonder if their is anything else she can do as it may take months before solicitors etc do anything.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now