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Not sure who I am anymore since being with my partner and moved house - I feel a real b*tch!(17 Posts)
I hope someone can shed some light on this matter as I am just feeling some what down, anxious and not myself. Oh god shoot me when you read this below!! ;-)
I have been with my partner just over a year, he is a tad older than me and treats me really well, nothing wrong in that area at all, he is a lovely genuine man who literally is a saint when it comes to doing things for me, is very thoughtful and is very loving, he just loves affection, cuddles and attention.
When we first met, he was all over me like a rash, he was also very intense and very full on sexually with me, which, I hasten to add felt it was too much and a little intimidating as well. I am not one to do huge displays of affection, however I liked the attention he was giving me. He admitted to being like that because he wanted to show me how much he wanted me and how much he desired me too and boy did I know it. I did tell him a few times to calm it down a little, but at the same time felt it was very loving, at one point I felt it was creepy and too much for me to bare, this was an odd feeling.
We actually split up about this at the start and I thought he was just after sex, which in actual fact he wasn't, he was just showing me his affectionate side and that he wasn't getting any sex from his ex for years so it was like he was making up for lost time and didnt want to lose this with me. That was his words.
I didnt sleep with him for a while as wanted to make sure I was ready etc etc so this worked out for both of us and he didnt push either, even though he was full on etc. So, when it came down to it, it felt odd. He was, lets just say, taking a long time and he couldn't climax at all, as he felt he was nervous and found it hard to relax, plus also I don't think porn helped and his hand came in too handy when he was single, this I soon realised when he told me.
So, it use to take hours, sometimes longer for him to climax but possibly as well only when I would give him a hand job would things be ok and he would finish otherwise it wasn't happening and I was terrible as I would feel bored. He would just want it 24/7 with me, but every time I thought we were having sex, he would just take ages and I then felt it was a chore of some kind. So at times I said no or would get angry, I was getting annoyed with this as we had a great relationship and feel he is just too intense in bed as well as suggesting things which I am not really into. I have tried it with him but its not happening, nor do I feel I want to do this anymore. It actually repulses me with him, which isn't like me. I cant go into detail but it wasn't sitting too well with me, it was more objects, toys etc.
I use to think my sex drive was quite high, well it certainly use to be, but since being with him it is actually getting worse and feel once we have sex he wants it again and again but I know it will take hours and I am bored, I feel its just too much to bare, like I am exhausted...So I just want it to not last too long, as I feel this intensity he has with me, he likes to feel all emotions, intensity etc, which is too much, I have explained this to him.
He also likes to kiss, cuddle and be affectionate whereas lately I am not feeling it at all.
We have a house together and we should ideally still be in our prime, but I sometimes dread going to bed and sometimes think, oh no its going to be too full on, intense and too long so I just cant think I can relax anymore because of what its been like from day one.
When we go days or a week without its ok, he doesnt take ages, but he does want it more, but because of the way he is, I feel we cant just do it everyday, or hour, which is something trust me I crave for us to be like.
My worry is my sex drive seems to be less and less, which I have never had issues with in the past, its actually making me feel quite low, its like I am suppressing the real me. When he kisses me I am not feeling it anymore, its actually worse by the time of the month....its awful in fact.
I am so worried in case it gets worse, when I don't give it to him after 3 days, he's in that shower, you know where I am going with this which I am not bothered about ,but for some reason I feel so pressured to be this perfect person in bed, but I feel intimidated by him and like I am not enough sexually for him. I have told him this and he says I am more than enough. He does satisfy me, he will do anything for me, but I wont for him as I find him just too much and takes it too seriously like he wants to feel every emotion under the sun, whereas I just want sex, and thats it really....gosh I sound awful don't I?
During the time of the month I tend to sleep alone in the spare room so I can be relaxed more, as I am really uptight and stressed then it goes away 2 days later.
I know moving in together kind of takes away the passion and the excitement, but also as we spend pretty much every weekend together, week nights and anytime we have outside of work after 7pm nights, I find I am bored at home and want to do things alone. I have also started to meet up with friends, do some new things and feel I am more stressed since moving into this new home as well. It has been a stressful move.
He doesnt have any friends to go out with, just likes to be with me at weekends and works pretty much 11 hour days in the week, so is knackered and watches tv when he gets in, whereas I work from home and like to do things on my laptop, study, courses, gym, dancing, see family, so I am concerned that perhaps I am bored just in general.
He is pretty down about this, I feel trapped and thinking with all my hobbies I may enjoy that life without him, I have noticed I am not enjoying doing the same things at night, or watching films, maybe twice a week but then I have other things I want to do and feel my business is slipping too as I tend to stop work at 7pm when really I want to continue. I don't want to be accommodating anymore just because he comes in at 7pm, I feel I want to do other things not stop what I am doing and be with him. I never did when we first met, as we only saw one another 2/3 times a week and werent living together, this suited me better as I had more freedom.
I sound awful don't I , but I am sorry about the long email, just trying to understand what is going on at the moment, sexually, mentally and emotionally...its been 2 months since we have moved house. I kind of wish he had a life outside of me, friends, hobbies without me, but he doesnt. So I feel like he is dependent on me for his happiness. I feel guilty too.
He mentioned if he starts playing golf, he will lose me and feels if I started playing tennis its unfair on him as its our time at weekends, but to me that sounds like he owns me. Also he mentioned he likes lie ins at the weekend, because he gets up at 6am every weekday, whereas I work from home and get up at 7am, I feel these lie ins are annoying me and frustrating me as i want to do other things...he likes his sex with me then and now I am saying no....It is like to me it feels scheduled, now I want to go to the gym and do things on my own....
he knows all this and its only been a year, we have known each other for a few years..
Am I real b*tch!!! I don't mind if you say yes....lol
He will just do anything for me, be there for me and tries to please me all the time, literally.....god I am so ungrateful, I don't want to take him for granted, but feel I am making him unhappy sexually and also emotionally too, like I have a life outside of him,
please help!!! xx
You don't sound very happy. This relationship doesn't seem to be making you feel good about yourself. Personally I would just chalk it up to experience and move on.
To be honest I would feel the same about all the taking forever sex sessions never mind the finishing off. Sounds like his left hand has been too friendly in the past and now he can't get by without it? One things for sure I don't think you are a bitch at all, you just sound normal. He has a lot of demands!
You aren't a bitch.
Sexual compatibility is important. Sex shouldn't make you feel pressurised or uncomfortable.
Not sure what you are getting from this relationship. Not sure why you seem to think he's such a saint.
You are not awful, most definitely not. But your relationship just isn't working is it.
You really don't enjoy living with him, you can't be yourself. He seems to want all your free time. He sounds pretty awful actually and not that interested in you as a person. The sex alone is just dreadful. You really need to split sooner rather than later as you're becoming more resentful and unhappy. Just do it, it's best all round.
So his ex never wanted to have sex with him, and now it's dawning on you the reason why?
I think your sex drive will be fine once you leave him and find happiness- sounds like you and he are a mismatch, and you aren't the problem!
Sounds like he has a porn fuelled death grip, and the sex is not going to get better.
Cut your losses and move on.
My excuses to last forever during sex. He took pride in it, boasted about how he could last for hours etc but to me, like you, it got really boring. It also felt pretty depressing and unattractive because no moatter how I tried I couldn't 'make' him finish. Men seem to think lasting ages is some kind of accomplishment, not appreciating that for women it starts to chafe and get sore after a while.
Don't put yourself through this anymore. Making you feel pressure to have sex is not the behaviour of a nice guy. You're don't seem to be getting much out of this relationship other than frustration, boredom and feeling guilty.
I don't think he sounds 'awful'. You're just not compatible. It's best to end it now before your repulsion of him grows. Otherwise things could get really unpleasant for both of you.
It's fine the first time. But a bloke that takes ages is a chore. 10-20 minutes fine lol.. Over half an hour I want my sleep lol xx don't get me wrong if it's a night out or special occasion that's all well and good having an all nighter but it's not practical everyday.
It sounds like you were better when you didn't live together X you still got your time? And because he hadn't had it in a few days he didn't last as long which was better?
Oh darling. You are so not a bitch. I think you are in a totally incompatible relationship.
Just reading about the sex is making ME feel stressed and repulsed. It is HIM that has put you off having sex and any intimacy with you, it's not your fault.
He sounds utterly smothering in all aspects.
Give yourself permission to get out of this relationship. Probably sounds unthinkable hearing that doesn't it? You can't do that! You've just moved in! He will be heartbroken! What about the finances! What will people think! Well fuck all of that, it will be hard but so much better than years and years of unhappiness. The stress will make you ill in the end, trust me. I've seen it happen many times. Don't wait for a breakdown in 5 years time, be brave, wrap yourself in friends and family who love and support you.
This relationship doesn't sound great and I think it's in both your interests to part company.
The fact the sex is making you uncomfortable and you feel pressured in that way is enough to call it a day I think. Please start to seriously think of how to change your future
I suppose you have sat down and talked about this with him? Sex is important and must feel right. You say he takes a long time, what is a long time in your eyes, has things changed over time on the time it takes, be honest about it? is he demanding it every time you are in the bed together? If going without for a day or two works then is that a way forward? Most men will wank if they don't have sex after a couple of days, I think its a normal thing, better than being unfaithful! You say that you had a high sex drive, did you not do the same.?
He sounds, outside of the bedroom, a very nice person, maybe just maybe you are expecting a perfect partner in the bed too? Maybe counselling is a step forward to saving you both. Understanding from both points is important and sometimes things get too focused on the wrong elements in my experience.
I find that a lot of people here just say dump / move on. Doesn't really help to try to find a solution does it? You have made a big commitment to one another, is it not worth fighting for? Giving space and doing a few things apart is not a hard thing to do, and by the sounds of it, he would be accommodating.
I am a little confused by your comments. You say "treats me really well, nothing wrong in that area at all, he is a lovely genuine man who literally is a saint when it comes to doing things for me, is very thoughtful and is very loving, ". That to me is amazing! What I question is, if he is like this with you are you saying that he isn't or hasn't changed his ways with sex since you started dating? this seems a little hard not to believe if what you said about how he treats you is true.
Do you approach sex as almost a function and not a love making act?
You come across as a little immature in my opinion, maybe its time to grow up and accept that nothing is perfect and it takes two make things work. It sounds like you have gone along way down the road with him, and I feel that you have been unfair if you have felt this way for a long time.
Sorry if I'm coming across hard, but there is no point being "oh it will be better to just run," no! You take your chances, make choices and you work at it, running away doesn't solve anything. And yes maybe I feel you are acting like a bit*h over this.
So many other people have much bigger problems than this!
I think you need to leave. You sound like you're at too different life stages, I agree he sounds smothering and as you don't enjoy the sex or find him attractive anymore, it sounds like the relationship has run its course and you'd be happier on your own, and in time with someone else. Don't feel bad, you tried, it just didn't work out. No one owes anyone anything. You'll both be happier being apart - he can find someone who enjoys the sex marathons (yikes) and you can find someone who you're more compatible with. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty - this happens and you've nothing to feel bad about.
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