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Boyfriend broke up with me - Am I am abuser? Is he? Need perspective

(2 Posts)
user1466013611 Thu 07-Jul-16 23:21:28

My boyfriend ran off from me over a misunderstanding but that was just the straw that broke the camels back I guess and I don’t blame him. He’s now moved all his stuff out and is away in another city planning to move there and won’t speak to me. He just said that he doesn’t believe things will change, he’s tired of being hurt and doesn’t trust me. He says I’m a bully and I abused him and also he thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder and need help for that. I should have got help sooner. I wanted to but I couldn’t find a therapist I liked enough in the area and also I stupidly thought I could get better by myself. I could have done if I’d done things differently and tried harder but I didn’t I guess because I couldn’t get better in time.

My issue is that I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated him and making the person I love feel like that and get to the point where he had to leave me. I just feel like a horrible person and can’t believe I did those things and acted like that. I need some perspective on what I did please. And also on the relationship. Not really advice about what to do as I know all that already as I don’t even have a choice but to move on.

I tried to control him to go along with my OCD rituals. Constantly criticising him, asking him to do things like washing his hands and mentioning things to do with my contamination OCD. It’s like I can’t believe that was me. But it was. And I take responsibility. I don’t really care about things and don’t want to act that or let it affect him like I did. I have obsessive thoughts about past mistakes too so I’m really beating myself up about it all.

At the beginning of our relationship I let him become an element in trauma for me as I put up with his alcoholism and him living in this horrible house share where anyone could move in (it was like a step up from living on the streets). I actually ended up moving in there because I had low self esteem when I met him and deluded myself into thinking whatever he thought was ok was ok when it really wasn’t. I just wanted to be with him and to go along with whatever he wanted. Obviously that’s not his fault at all it was mine for being like that. So after something happened at this horrible accommodation which bothered both of us but that I was actually traumatised by I then realised it was all wrong and needed to move out. He wanted to move out too but also had low esteem which manifested in a different way. I think he was scared of living in a nice place because he thought the nice normal people wouldn’t accept him or something. So he wouldn’t bother looking for places to move out and I had to do all the work looking for individual places just for me and places for both of us and kept nagging him and convincing him to help me look for both of us and help him self by looking just for himself too. He’d also miss some viewings because of his drinking. All this caused me to have the extreme OCD related to being trapped in that place with scary people etc.and it wasn’t his fault at all that we were in that situation because I chose to move in there when he kindly offered but at that point where we both realised how horrible it was and I was being traumatised he kept making it go on for longer and making it worse by being drunk a lot.

So that is why I have still tried to control him related to my OCD because although I have tried to forgive and forget I guess my OCD subconsciously could not forget. It’s not an excuse just a reason. There are no excuses for what I’ve done in my mind. I just feel so bad about it. He’s since changed and not drinking for a year yet I still let my OCD fears about the past effect him by trying to control him which is so horrible and unfair. He goes along with these things a lot which have been really hard and made him miserable. I don’t care about those OCD things really I just wanted to move on and be nice to him and happy. I know for sure I could be. We also have natural communication issues between us would be there anyway. So I can be realky bad in arguments too but also He bottles things up then gets really angry and says things he doesn’t really mean (I don’t if he means them or not but he doesn’t normally say those things), calls me names (I have done that too) etc. He says normally he lies to me about things so that I won’t get mad at him and start an argument. So he says it was all lies and what he says in an argument is the truth. Then when he clams down again he says that he didn’t actually mean those things and what he says normally is the truth. But I’d be willing to deal with that and be the bigger person in those situations and just let it go rather than engaging in defending myself against his false accusations etc. I know I can do it. He’d be worth it. But he doesn’t want to be with which obviously I accept so I’d just be like that and learn to be nice if I have another realtionship in the future. Also, I lose my temper and get frustrated and angry in arguments too maybe worse than him and raise my voice. Usually what I’m saying is correct and what I think but I say it horribly and raise my voice. Raising my voice/probably shouting m is the thing I definitely do sometimes when we get in a heated argument and also I won’t drop the argument and get caught up over details instead of just letting it go and knowing he doesn’t mean it and it doesn’t matter. I hate it so much and I’m going to make I never behave like that with anyone again.

Also, I’m so ashamed but one time I threw a champagne bottle on the floor between us over something stupid OCD thing I was going internally crazy over and he was ignoring me. I can’t believe I did that and there is no excuse I feel terrible. He must have been scared. I mean I was scared by it and I was the one who threw it. However, he doesn’t believe me that I was aiming for the floor where it landed (but it was really near him – makes me sick to think about it) and thinks I tried to threw it at him but missed. I tried to explain that I know its still bad but that’s not true but he won’t hear it. Also, he thinks I do other things which I never do like he accuses me of lying etc. I think because of the bottle throwing incident he has it in his mind that I’m an abuser and that I do things which classic abusers do or something which he read about. Like isolating him from friends and family (we moved to another city so we could afford a place together), lying and ‘trying to make it so he can’t live without me’. None of those things are true (although I’m starting to think maybe they are?) So I know I’ve mistreated him and I feel like a bad person but on top of what’s actually happened he thinks I’m worse than I am. He probably wouldn’t want to get back with me anyway though so I guess it’s besides the point.

I feel like this horrible abuser and I just need some perspective on how bad it was and the situation because I know in the past my obsessive thoughts cloud my judgement. However I know it’s bad so I really don’t know. I’m really not looking for someone to tell it’s ok etc. at all. I’m just looking for the truth of what my perspective really is and how bad it really was whatever that may be. So then I can know how to come to terms with that. I know my behaviour was abusive because I have read the definition of abuse. However, I don’t know how bad it was or know my perspective on behaviour and the whole situation. Partly because of Obsessive thoughts about past mistakes but honestly talking it through and hearing others perspective is what helps me when I get like this. I can’t move forward unless I can know my perspective on the situation and my behaviour so I can come to terms with it and move forward.

Imagine your friend came to you and said they’d done the things I’ve done to their partner behaved that way. What would your honest reaction be?

Now imagine someone you care about came to you and told you that their partner had treated them and behaved the way I have to my boyfriend. What would your honest reaction be?

I really need help knowing what everyone’s perspective and preferably why so I can help know my own. Thanks.

And I’m also seeing a therapist now and I’m on anti anxiety meds. Don’t know how much that is helping, though. I'm so depressed.

Also, the way he just ran off from me and then I acted like a crazy stalker calling him all the time and waited outside the place I thought he'd be staying just so I could know what he was thinking as the last time I saw him he ran off over a misunderstand I was apologising for and he was accusing me of a lying when I wasn't and said he'd only consider being with me if I admitted I was lying but I ironically I didn't want to lie to him to say that and then he literally just ran off from me. So the whole thing about stalking him and the way he broke up with me with no break up talk or explanation but running off and then I felt even worse for having to track him down. Like I must have done something really bad for him to just run off from me like that (which I did but it makes it seem even worse) I don't blame him though he's just trying to protect himself. Also, when I finally got to speak to him after a couple of days of not even knowing what was going on really he said he doesn't want to be with me but also mentioned that he wouldn't be able to face going back to our apartment now as too many bad memories or too painful I assume. So now I hate it here as he said that and I want to move but I don't really want to move. I'm just so depressed about it and feel terrible.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 08-Jul-16 00:29:16

I'm so sorry to hear of your difficulties, and glad that you found a therapist you trust. What you describe doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships (on either side), and I think you would be best to focus on getting yourself a little more sorted out and have some time being single.

The Mental Health board is also a very welcoming place with many lovely posters who support each other and understand what mh issues are like from their own experience.

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