My SIL hates me but now has to be locked in a cottage with me

[Jenji]

NC as this is pretty outing.

I'm white. My DH and his sister are black. SIL hates that DH has married a white woman and has made countless comments over the years to undermine me, make me look stupid and make me look like a racist, consciously or unconsciously. Her best was at my wedding where she commented very loudly with me in ear shot that she was hoping DH would see sense, chuck me soon enough and find someone of his "own kind".

Anyway, DH has told her to fuck off numerous times and we avoid like her plague. MIL and FIL booked a cottage for a summer break at the end of this month. We were invited but were under the impression it was going to be just us and PILs. We only found out yesterday that SIL is also going. She's single so just her, no partner in tow.

I'm dreading it. We can't cancel as PILs have no idea that DH and SIL don't get on and we don't want to upset them by them finding out-FIL is recovering from cancer so don't want to add to stress.

I'm not really asking anything, I just wanted to vent. What was going to be a lovely summer break with PILs looks like it's going to be absolutely shite because she's going. I'm so disappointed and also quite nervous. She makes the atmosphere so horrible

[Honeyandfizz]

Oh goodness that's a difficult one. How long is it for and an you plan lots of day trips so you can at least escape her? I think you may have to try and rise above her nasty comments & chances are if pils are there she may be on her best behaviour?

[ElspethFlashman]

Your DH needs to get a sudden attack of flu that week and can't join them. Oh well, maybe next time, such a shame.

[redexpat]

Oh no. Vent away.

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

Such a shame that you have family commitments, work stuff and/or are sick and will be unable to go.

Don't put yourself through it.

[Bogeyface]

D&V the day before and pay them back what it cost them to book your places?

My SIL hates me (for the same reason oddly enough!) and there is no way I would be going.

[Jenji]

Honey It's a week, well 6 days. PILs have planned lots of trips but altogether trips so not easy for DH and I to escape for a bit. She might be on her best behaviour but she has this way of dressing up her comments as jokes so people don't take it too seriously. But then she'll make 5 of these 'jokes' throughout the day or evening IYSWIM.

[BlackVelvet1]

Could you be unwell so it's just your DH, his sister and his parents?

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I know that you don't want to upset your PILs, but honestly it will be worse for them if this goes ahead. No matter how much you bite your tongue, you can't make your SIL behave herself and they will notice the poisonous atmosphere.

I would come down with a 'tummy bug' the evening before you have to leave for the cottage, your DH can come down with it 3 days later and you will have to stay away for the whole week to make sure that your FIL doesn't get it. That way you avoid having to have a difficult conversation with your PILs and you look like the good guys for not wanting to risk making FIL ill.

[Jenji]

I take your point but I don't think I could cancel. MIL and FIL are wonderful people and they've had about two years of complete shit with various things. MIL is beside herself with excitement about it and I couldn't cancel on her.

[BlackVelvet1]

Or have something work related come up.

[BlackVelvet1]

Sorry crossposted

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Sounds as if you and dh need to draw up a SIL bingo card. Key phrases and actions, silently check them off, whoever wins gets a massage. Might or might not have done this with dh at FIL's. A live MN thread also lightens your mood slightly sharing the mad antics with us. Alternatively as said above find a last minute reason to just send dh or retreat to your bedroom due to illness.

[Jenji]

shouldwestay Oh that's a great idea. SIL bingo!

[Thomasisintraining]

OP your DH should go and you should take suddenly ill but be such a good sport that you will look after yourself and not rob ILs of opportunities to spend time with their offspring. This trip is a recipe for disaster.

[Jenji]

I quite like the idea of sending DH without me but I doubt DH will like that

[Kahlua4me]

Would there be any way of pulling her up, politely of course, whenever she has a dig at you? Even if she mutters something under her breath, repeat it loudly back to her as a question so that she is then having to explain her thoughts to all. But, also do pick your battles and don't do it all the time.

Do you in laws know how she is with you? Perhaps your dh could mention it if she is behaving really badly...

There is a possibility that she will behave because they are there. I would go as it was booked and you are/were looking forward to going. No way would I give the holiday up and let her think I was scared of her.

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

I play SiL bingo with my SiL.

Write us a nice list of the kind of things she says and we'll organise you some witty and cutting comebacks.

[barbet]

I'll probably get blasted for this post but sod it ... The thing is, if you don't go then she'll get a cosy little break with her brother etc and she's won!

I grew up in an abusive family and these days I point-blank refuse to put up with this passive aggressive bullshit, so personally I'd take a chance and be blunt. I wouldn't care if it caused a rift.

You're probably wiser and different from me of course and can take the "jellyfish" stings better than I can, but I think the crucial thing here is that your DH is the problem here, not your parents in law.

You need him to say right now that you're not ok sharing accommodation like this and it changes the dynamics of a holiday for you both. If possible tell him to be honest and stand up for you, to tell them point blank what you've told us. What a treasure she sounds like eh.

[SandyY2K]

You sound like a lovely and thoughtful person. Sorry that you have such a horrible SIL. I'd just try never to be alone with her during the holiday and act like I can't hear any rude comments.

If she says anything when it's just the two of you, remind her that her brother has chosen you as his wife and she is free to choose her own DH in the same way and just smile as you walk away.

[diddl]

Presumably MIL & FIL don't know what she said about you at the wedding?

If they had known they might have been able to arrange so that you & your husband have a few days & your SIL the same.

Presumably they think it's going to be lovely having you all there.

Would it be of any use to warn them beforehand?

[daftbesom]

Could you practice this face for use when she has a dig?

Or a well-timed eye-roll?

No need to engage further with her nonsense. She is obvs a bit of a doughball and you don't need to pay her silly comments much mind. tbh I would enjoy passively-aggressively declining to engage beyond a knowing "isn't she tiresome" look.

[Jenji]

Thanks for all your comments.

Part of me not wanting to cancel is because I don't want her to 'win' and scare me off as well as going for PILs. No, PILs have no idea what she's like. They didn't hear what was said at my wedding. They hear her 'jokes' but not all of her jokes. So if she has, say, 5 jokey digs in one night she'll only do it in front of them once, then in front of someone else once, then someone else. You get the picture.

I need to learn to eye roll. I don't want to cause a rift. I wouldn't pull her up about it too forcefully but it gets wearing.

DH is great and definitely does stand up for me. He' told her to fuck off countless times and will tell her she's not being nice if she has a dig. The thing is, she just doesn't care and is very good at making DH look unreasonable because she was 'joking'. My very existence within her family makes her angry. I also don't like DH standing up for me too much because it makes me inner feminist reel!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Put laxatives in her food when you get there. Repeat daily. Problem solved.

Maybe not but its nice to dream a little

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I think you and your DH should catch each other's eye and smirk every time she makes a 'joke', but otherwise act as if she hasn't spoken. It will drive her insane with rage, but if she calls you on it she will look nuts because, obviously, you and DH were just smiling at each other because you love each other and anyway you didn't even hear what it was she said.

[diddl]

If she has said something racist or nasty then her pretending it was a joke does not negate that.

The old "you have no sense of humour" trick-no, I don't have your unfunny/racist/bigoted sense of humour & to say otherwise is bullying.