My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need advice...he cheated

37 replies

Sammy54 · 06/07/2016 20:51

Been 2 days now and i found out that my partner of 7 years has been unfaithful. I'm not the type of person to snoop and i only picked up his phone to turn the Alarm off in the morning and seen messages on his pone. We are suppose to be getting married in october and just moved house so it has been a stressfull few months for me as i'm dealing with all the builders and sorting the wedding stuff out on my own ( no help from family, i'm basically on my own doing all of it). When i confronted him he said that they are just friends. Then i ask him if anything has happened and apparently they have kissed. He said this is the only time they have kissed and stoped it and felt guilty. He said that he needed a friend to talk to becuase he was feeling down. For months i've been asking him to speak to me and communicte with me. He comes home from work and is glued to his phone playing games or watching sport. Never comes to bed with me and stays up late. He is suppose to be my best friend and i feel soo alone now. Don't know who i can talk to about this. He keeps telling me it was all going to stop and it meant nothing it was just friends and he should of come to me and he regrets everything.
What i can't get over is one of the message he told her he loves her. He said he only said it as friends. I think thats whats hurting the most that he has told some other women that he loves her. He claims he isn't in love with her and he was seeking attention. He swears on his life that it was all going to end and that he was much happier in our relationship and excitited about our future. Yet last week on my birthday and on the day we gave notice of marriage and booked our honeymoon he told her the same week that he loves her. We also start talking about trying for children after the honeymoon.
I have no idea what to do and i feel soo stupid for still wanting to marry him. We have been best friends for 13 years and i can't just let that go. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to be with and still wants to get married. He wants to work through this and said about going to coucilling sessions to help us get past this.
But i'm scared the wedding is in 3 month. I got so many questions in my head. I don't know how i'm suppose to act or what i'm suppose to. I just feel soo angry and hurt. My world has been turned upside down. How do i get through this? Can couples come out of this stronger?
I don't want to be one of them people who stops him from going out or keep checking his phone. He has already said that he won't go to anything if she is there and has already deleted everything like contacts etc.
I've never been in this situation before and what ever i decide effects the rest of my life. I'm so scared and feel soo sick.

OP posts:
Report
HooseRice · 06/07/2016 20:53

Don't marry this person. Even if you hadn't just exposed him as a cheater, his other antisocial behaviour is good enough reason to call it a day.

Report
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/07/2016 20:55

What did the messages say?

I'm sorry to say that the chances that he hasn't had sex with a woman that he is telling that he loves are minuscule, and I suspect he's following the usual script and minimising to what you can prove. At the very least, you need the full truth to decide if you can come through this.

It will be an emotional time. You clearly love him and 13 years is a long time, but he's been (and likely still is) barefaced lying to you, he's at the very least kissed someone else and he's probably slept with her. He's been telling her he loves her whilst you were planning a future.

At the very least, I think you should postpone the wedding. He's not trustworthy and even if he somehow redeems himself, it'll take a few years. You're wedding will remind you of this, otherwise.

Report
SandyY2K · 06/07/2016 20:58

At the very least postpone the wedding. One minute he says it was nothing and just friends - then that it was going to stop.

How can you believe it was only a kiss ? You really can't - because of his lies.

I'll send you a link via PM. Hope it helps.

Report
AyeAmarok · 06/07/2016 20:59

Postpone the wedding asap.

Once you've done that, it will give you some space to think without that pressure hanging over you.

Whether you forgive and want to work through it or not, your relationship won't be healed within three months, so don't put that pressure on yourself.

Sorry he's such a scumbag Sad

Report
thestamp · 06/07/2016 21:02

You've got to postpone love. I know you don't want to but please, for both your sakes be the stronger one and postpone. You've too much to sort out. The wedding is already spoiled... take the time to sort things out and maybe if you do set a new date it won't be with this awful cloud over it...

Report
ImperialBlether · 06/07/2016 21:02

Don't marry him. You will end up very unhappy if you do.

He's told another woman he loves her while he's engaged to you. That's not good enough - you deserve so much better than that.

Report
Sammy54 · 06/07/2016 21:02

The messages were not of a sexual nature. She never said she loved him back. He keeps saying they were friends and that he shouldn't of crossed the line and should of come to me and told me how he felt. She doesnt live in the same city as us. Most of the contact was through txt messages. And he claims when he was at work in the same office as her thats when they kissed. as they work for the same company and he travels between offices.

OP posts:
Report
notapizzaeater · 06/07/2016 21:05

Don't marry him till you know the whole truth and can decide what you want to do.

Report
newname99 · 06/07/2016 21:18

Anyone acting like this before marriage is NOT ready to marry, no matter what he says.

He does not feel the commitment to you and if you marry you know that this will always be there.

No one regrets postponing/ cancelling a wedding but may people regret marrying.It might feel embarrassing and expensive but an unhappy marriage costs much, much more and is more visible.

Report
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/07/2016 21:19

Okay. Let's analyse this down a bit so you can see the forest through the trees.

Did he start the conversations, most of the time?

Report
Sammy54 · 06/07/2016 21:29

No it was her. Apparently she is not happy in her marriage and thats how they started talking. Venting to each other. He said he felt depressed and didnt feel like he could speak to anyone until they started chatting. Some messages in there from her telling him he needs to speak to me and sort stuff out. So i don't now wat to make of it all. He swears they havent slept together and as soo as they kissed he syoped and and didnt contact her for a while. I keep asking him why did he say i love you to her. He keeps telling me he wanted to feel wanted. I'm analysing our realationship and keep thinking what did i do wrong to make him feel like he couldn't speak to me. He keeps telling me its not my fault and its his issues and he hates himself for what he has done to us. I really want to beleive him i'm just soo scared. He said he will try anythjng to gain my trust back and to show how much he loves me. At the moment i don't even know what he can do for that to happen.

OP posts:
Report
loobyloo1234 · 06/07/2016 21:34

He text her saying he loved her? Hmm

What else did it say?

You don't need us to tell you what is going on here OP ... Flowers

Report
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/07/2016 21:36

You know that doesn't make sense, don't you?

I know this hurts. I know your instinct will be to believe what he says and try to paper over this. The problem with that is that it falls in at a later date and the hole is huge then, the damage is done - it festers. If you want a chance to save this (or even if you don't, really) it has to be dealt with now.

He's saying the right things but he's also sticking to the script. Has he done anything to show you that he's sorry? He wasn't going to tell you - if you hadn't picked his phone up, you'd be shooting towards your wedding with no idea about this woman.

If you'd said he started the messages, I'd have believed maybe he fell for her, and he was desperately seeking her attention and trying to find out if she felt the same. It's very common, unfortunately, for men not to leave their partners until someone else is lined up.

The closest thing to what he's said is that they bonded over their terrible relationships - usually how little attention they get at home, that there's no sex, etc. They sleep together, she tells him it can't happen again and they either agree not to mention it via text or he deletes the messages. She tells him to talk to you because she doesn't want to be the OW. He says he loves her to see if she feels the same, to tempt her into being his next option. If she'd said it back, he'd have been gone. As she doesn't feel the same, he's desperately clinging on to you.

Nobody tells someone they love them because they are bored, or just friends, or want attention. Especially not if the other person isn't reciprocating. He was testing the water. He needs to be honest with you about that, at least.

Report
AddToBasket · 06/07/2016 21:37

It's really not you, so don't even start beating yourself up.

This is just classic, common or garden cheating. And yeah, he has probably had sex with her a few times. Sorry.

That time on the phone, staying up late, was he messaging her?

Report
RivieraKid · 06/07/2016 21:39

She tells him to talk to you because she doesn't want to be the OW. He says he loves her to see if she feels the same, to tempt her into being his next option. If she'd said it back, he'd have been gone. As she doesn't feel the same, he's desperately clinging on to you.

Yeah that sounds pretty bang-on, I'm so sorry OP.

Report
inlectorecumbit · 06/07/2016 21:41

Ask him to leave, you need space to process this information, if he has any respect for you at all he will do as you ask.
Regardless do not marry this man--he has crossed a line, probably an emotional affair which is still cheating in my book.
Only when you get to the bottom of all the crap he is telling you and when he has started to regain your trust can you then start thinking about a wedding. If you really want to.
I am sure her DH will be delighted to find out she is not happy- throw that at him and see how he reacts then. (not that you would of course)

Report
SomeonesRealName · 06/07/2016 21:43

I'm frightened for you that you're not going to heed your gut and you'll go ahead and make a huge mistake OP. You can't trust this guy. If he's unfaithful now at what should be a wonderful intimate time for your relationship, you sure as hell can't depend on him to be there for you when babies come along or the shit hits the fan somewhere down the line. You know this otherwise you wouldn't be posting.

Report
Sammy54 · 06/07/2016 21:49

Alot of the time on his way bk home from work. There was some late at night. I don't understand how he can do this. Never thought he wud be the type of person to do this to me. I'm more hurt about the fact that he told her i love you. I keep asking him why he said it if he didn't mean it. He keeps telling me he wanted attention. Thats all i'm getting. He said he doesnt want to b with her and he never saw her in that way. He said hr really needef a friend to talk to. Most of the messages i guess are no sexusl flirty messages.

OP posts:
Report
Sammy54 · 06/07/2016 21:53

I know i've told him i'm going bk on the pill. Not that he he coming anywhere near me. We talked about calling off the wedding and cancel the honeymoon.

OP posts:
Report
loobyloo1234 · 06/07/2016 22:01

You deserve better Sammy ... you know you do. He is talking bollocks. You need to tell him to leave - give you some space. And you really do need to know the truth before you can make a proper decision. He owes you that and trust me he is not giving you any truth whatsoever so far

Report
blowmybarnacles · 06/07/2016 22:04

For months i've been asking him to speak to me and communicte with me. He comes home from work and is glued to his phone playing games or watching sport. Never comes to bed with me and stays up late

Plus texting other women, kissing them and telling them he loves them - yet you are his fiancé and you are getting married in three months??

Thus is not the behaviour you want in the man who is supposed to be loving you and cherishing you for the rest of your life.

Report
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/07/2016 22:16

Could you ask him to leave for a while until he's prepared to be honest with you?

I know you'll probably be worried that he'll go to her but at least you'd know, and I think the headspace would do you good. I also think it's the only way he's going to treat you with a bit more respect and be honest about what he said and how he feels.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Summerlovinf · 06/07/2016 22:19

He's lying, of course. You know that. I would call off the wedding if I were you.

Report
AddToBasket · 06/07/2016 22:28

I realise that it is a lot easier to type 'call off your wedding' than it is to do. And this horrific news won't have sunk in yet, you won't have fully acknowledged all the implications, or want to tell anyone else. But don't try to sweep this under the carpet and go back to plan A - at the very least, that will be even more expensive (wedding plus breakup plus lawyers).

Report
SandyY2K · 06/07/2016 22:35

He said he loved her because they have likely shared a lot of intimacy ... whether physical or verbal.

She told him to talk to you because she thinks it's not right to marry your fiancée when you're declaring love for another woman.

He's gone as far as telling other woman he loves her .... so the attention from the OW wasn't enough for him ... he needed attention from even more women.

What makes you think everything will suddenly be fine now that you know?

Honestly - he's not ready for marriage. You'd be selling yourself short marrying him. This would have carried on into your marriage too.

He's right about one thing. It's not you - it's him.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.