Hi everyone,
I just wanted to express how difficult I find socialising with other school mums. My kids have been in their current school for 3 years now, and although I do know and chat to many more people than I did first, I still feel like a complete alien.
I am usually ok with it as I only drop off and pick up the kids, but events like sports day are only reminder of how inadequate I feel in such situations. I look at them all and they seem to get on so well, chatting away and giggling, and I end up thinking the problem lies with me. Recently I picked my kid up from his friend's house, and his friend's mum had a couple of friends over, so I sat down with them and chatted over a glass of wine. They all said they felt the same about socialising at the school gate. They all found it painful.
Sometimes I wonder if it is to do with the fact that I am not British, I have a different culture, but still I have been in the UK for over 12 years. I do feel isolated, but equally, I'm not keen on small talk, never have been.
I'd really like to hear about other mums' experiences, and hopefully feel less of a weirdo !
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alienmama · 06/07/2016 19:09
Hi mama,
Sorry you are finding the school gates difficult, I doubt it is because you are from a different culture. I am English, I have always enjoyed the friendships made at the school gates, (ds is y2) but I am realising that these friendships are not very deep, I don't always share the same values and ultimately I find other friendships more rewarding. I hope you will see that we are not so different 
Yes I'm full English and find it 
It's due to the fact that I've moved around a bit and most of the local mums actually went to the kids schools themselves so they literally know everyone, who's nice who's not and so on.
Same here. I'm "new" and I feel different... But I was the same in the previous school... And I was the same as a teenager in my own school. So it is not about the other mums. It's about my struggle to easily break into social circles.
PTA meetings are my idea of hell by the way 
My son's in year 2 almost year 3. I am English and find it hard to chit chat to anyone at school. When my son first started I was positive about everything. I would smile at a few other moms and they'd smile back. I'd sometimes say hello. But after a while I'd find they'd get cliquey and walking together most days sometimes standing at the gates.There were two moms I tried to befriend they were moms of my son's friends.But one would often walk with someone else,though we'd sometimes speak a few words if she was on her own.The other one rarely spoke to anyone and would just walk into school and out again.
By the time my son was in year 1 the both moms left. First the one,I spoke to her beforehand and she said she was moving miles away.My son was sad losing his school friend. Then months later the other one was leaving. I spoke to her and she said she was moving miles away too. I said I was disappointed for my son.She said he can always go and play with her son if she comes back to visit her mom we could meet up.I agreed and gave her my number.She never did phone me.So it took a while to get over the fact my son lost his school friends.He had to make some more but still talks about them.
He's been at school 3 years now and I just wish I had a friend I could chat to.No one smiles anymore,I feel I have given up.I don't really look forward to the school run each day and pick up. One thing I notice is that those who spend time chatting are ones who haven't got jobs to go to or those who walk the same way home. I drive to and from school so don't get a chance to make small talk with anyone. I notice alot of men pick up their kids too so not sure I want to befriend a bloke.
I wish there was an online network for my school. To get to chat online first.
I have been at three different primary schools with my DC, (we move too much!) and am foreign, yet have allways been able to "do" the playground thing.
I have even made some new friends
However, with my youngest DS in yr6 I am nowcounting the days to leave the playground days behind me
So much inane chat...
I always see playground parents as "colleagues" rather than friends though, and try to build a few working relationships. Not expecting friendship, but to simply get on in a cordial manner (like colleagues).
This pragmatic approach helped me.
Was never intimidated by cliques, fair enough that some people know eachother better and are friends, that does not mean they don't like me. Or if they don't like me: so what...
It's not you, OP, it is the situation.
Having realistic expectations helps. I don't expect tomakefriends at work or the playground, but if I do it is a bonus. But not expected, or necessary.
I think school mum cliques are something of a myth in the minds of people (including me, in the past) who feel a bit like they don't want to be part of cliques but are nonetheless affronted by their existence - kind of a reverse snobbery. I have a couple of mums I'd talk to at events etc but for the most part that's it. We are coincidental associates, nothing more. I wouldn't sweat it. Unless you actively want to make friends there in which case dive into any and all school activities and form your own 'clique', if you can be arsed
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