Please give me a (gentle) kick up the bum

[wheredidmy30sgo]

A bit of background for you. I hope this doesn't sound like whinge.

Have been with my OH for 5 years we have a DD who is nearly 2. I am 40 and OH is 46. I moved to a new area just before we got together and have since struggled for work - had some, but not nearly as highly paid as when I lived in the city. I was diagnosed with PND when my DD was 9 months and I had some CBT which seemed to help. I'm still not sure if it was really PND or if it was a culmination of money stress/lack of sleep etc.

My OH is hard working, honourable and kind. He's a brilliant dad - he wasn't the most confident to begin with but follows my lead with what to do even though I'm totally winging it and they have a gorgeous relationship.

My problem is that I just don't want to sleep with him.....WHY??!! I make excuses all the time. I don't feel sexy at all and I've completely lost the will to jump him in a fit of passion!! I'm slowly putting on weight. My energy is rock bottom. I've had bloods checked etc and all ok. I have done 'things' for him in the bedroom, but in my heart of hearts I just want to be by myself for a bit .... but not permanently. Just to get 'me' back. God I sound awful . He's patient....but for how long?

He's not romantic and I grew up on chick flicks unrealistic happy ever after rubbish!! He'll always be there for me, he just won't be there with roses IYSWIM. Help, help, help! My confidence is shot and I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading - I hope it made sense.

Any success stories of how you get back on track would be really welcome - I'm usually a really positive person, I just feel a bit and .

[pippistrelle]

You don't sound awful at all, so no kick from me, not even a gentle one.

You do sound tired and a bit lost though. Understandably so. And there's that whole thing of being 'touched out' by a demanding toddler.

Do you talk to your husband about all this, or try to pout on a brave face, and engage evasive tactics?

[wheredidmy30sgo]

Thank you for answering pippi.

I have tried to talk to him until I'm blue in the face. I honestly don't think he understands. He thinks it's because I don't fancy him....which isn't true and I've told him this. So mostly I try to avoid the situation, which I know is not the best move. I'm worried that if this goes on too long, we will grow apart.

I know it's got to come from me - but how?!! x

[pippistrelle]

I meant, of course, to type 'put', not 'pout' in my post above. I wasn't suggesting you were adopting a duck face!

In the meantime, you can foster intimacy in different ways - perhaps more emotional and affectionate ways. Keep talking to him about how you're feeling but ask him how he's feeling as well.

As to the physical side of things, how would you feel about actually scheduling a set time? I know it's a far cry from hearts and flowers, but it did actually work for us in getting things back to a more natural spontaneity by removing any sort of pressure (self-imposed) or fear of resentment (imagined) at other times. It also helped me if our daughter was out of the house at the time - not just freedom from fear of interruption, but it also created a sense of conspiracy between the two of us. Might that be a possibility for you?

[Somerville]

Are you on hormone contraception? My libido fell through the floor when I was on the pill. Or still breastfeeding? Anything at all physical you can think of? Because it does sound more like this is a hormone thing than anything else, since you love him and fancy him.

I would go back to your GP and see if there are any more suggestions. And keep emphasising to your partner that this is a physical issue for you, not a reflection on him, and that you need to find a way of dealing with it as a team.

You of course shouldn't have sex if you don't want to, but how does it make you feel when you give him oral or a hand job or whatever? Is it doable, to show him you love him? My DH lost his libido and then sexual function while having chemotherapy but still gained emotional pleasure from pleasuring me, if that makes sense. The be all and end all of intimacy isn't PIV. And, if he were to show more romance, do you think that would help with intimacy? Don't be afraid to ask for it if you need it. I'd rather have romance than sex in a relationship - though ideally both!!

[wheredidmy30sgo]

pippi I've thought about scheduling something in my head, even if it seems spontaneous to him. Will try that and see how it feels.

I certainly need to do something about my body confidence - I have gained a big soft tummy since giving birth and feel weak and unfit! I need to break that vicious circle and get fit - I'm sure that will help.

Somerville my gut always told me that it was hormonal. I'm not on any contraceptive and I stopped BF over a year ago. However, there are still a couple of droplets of milk there if I give them a squeeze sorry if tmi....is this normal?!

Will attempt to initiate some intimacy later!!!