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ending in a bad way

(9 Posts)
user1466282058 Wed 06-Jul-16 00:33:29

So me and my now ex have been together for 12 years. It's not been a smooth relationship it's had its ups and downs and breakups but we got back together about 3 years ago and decided to make a proper go of it.
We bought a house got engaged and have a 10 month old. Since February arguments have been getting progressively worse, at one point he changed the locks and refused me and my son back in the house...we had been tescos to do the shop after an argument.
It seemed like every month he would end up back at his parents or chucking me and our son out, we'd make up and go through the whole process again.
Monday morning he lost it with me, I didn't retaliate shout or provoke the 'argument' but he ended up smashing the house up (I won't go into what this was about its so trivial) and shoving me. I genuinely believe he was emotionally abusing me and had been for quite sometime. Everything was always my fault he even told me it was my fault that he smashed the house up.
He got arrested Monday night and charged today with criminal damage and common assault which will go to court. His bail conditions state he can't contact me but he's called my mum saying he's not paying for the house if he's not living in it(he did this to me before because he knows he can hold financial bullying over me) I'm now at the point where I kind of don't care if the bills don't get paid because I'm that exhausted by it all.
I don't know how to move in, how to get the ball rolling, I know I won't get approval for a mortgage on my salary but I don't want to waste whatever money I get out of the house on rent with nothing to show at the end of it. I feel like he's always held finances against me and he's going to come out on top as per.
If you've been through it how did you cope? What did you do? Any advice? I feel so emotionally tormented how can I cope with the practical side?

thestamp Wed 06-Jul-16 04:12:01

I'm so sorry, what a shocking ordeal he's put you and your child through. You must be exhausted. I really think you should give women's aid a ring. They will know all the things you can and should do in this situation including getting financial ducks in a row.

I'm just so sorry, he's been awful to you and you've been so brave to come this far. Your son is lucky to have you.

Resilience16 Wed 06-Jul-16 06:46:23

Hi, get some legal advice either through a lawyer or free via the CAB. Some employers have an employee support line where you can get advice also, or if you are in a union they give free advice or sometimes through your home insurance.
Speak to Women's Aid also for practical advice 're leaving an abusive relationship.
Don't disregard renting, in the short term at least, if it gets you and your son out of this toxic relationship.
I am sorry you are in this shit situation after investing 12 years in this relationship but you and your son really do deserve better.
Hugs and good luck.

user1466282058 Wed 06-Jul-16 09:44:27

Thank you, I'm a member of unison just waiting for a call back from them. Going to the Drs to get some help and time off of work. It's so stressful he's doing this to me again yet he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. I feel like he's dumped me I a big hole and he's at the top laughing his head off

OurBlanche Wed 06-Jul-16 15:27:26

No, he isn't at the top of anything. He is at the bottom of a deep well he dug for himself... looking up at you wondering how he can drag you down to his level so he can use you to make himself feel better, bigger. He wants to use you as a rock, to stand on, to boost his own ego a bit more.

Your best course of action is to stay safe, keep smiling and let those who really love you support you in getting him out of your life.

The house and finances can be sorted... Women's Aid will be really helpful... as will Unison.

Good luck

RedMapleLeaf Wed 06-Jul-16 17:35:41

Who cares how he comes out of this? Focus on your son's wellbeing.

user1466282058 Wed 06-Jul-16 19:53:14

Thank you OurBlanche for putting a more positive perspective on my thoughts. I've spoken to my unison and they have put me in contact with a legal team I'm speaking with them next week. I've been on the phone all day to a debt advice charity helping me budget and my mortgage company have put the account on hold for two months. At least this gives me some breathing space. Some time to figure out my next move.
Can you believe he organised a police escort to come to the house so he could collect his things (which I nicely agreed to because his bail conditions state I can basically tell him to F off) and he didn't show. Round of applause for continuing to be a dick.

Resilience16 Wed 06-Jul-16 20:05:52

Well done to you for taking positive action to get out of this abusive relationship. Stay angry and use that anger to move you forward. You and your son deserve much better.
Onwards and upwards.

pallasathena Thu 07-Jul-16 09:03:44

You need a fresh start which means getting out of the house with all its bad memories and just for now, renting a small place for a year or two just to give yourself some breathing space, time to reflect and time to focus on you and your child's wellbeing.
Your mental and physical health and that of your child's are for more important than money, mortgages, possessions. You can't get back the years of upset and abuse but you can make sure that you never put yourself and your child through anything like that again by getting out, staying out and instructing a solicitor to begin not only criminal proceedings but divorce proceedings too.
Your child needs to learn that people who abuse other people have to suffer the consequences of their actions and your child needs more than anything now, to feel safe and secure with you.

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