Just need some perspective as I don't know what to do.
We've been together 5 years, married for 2, & have a 5 months old who we both adore. Were both fairly long in the tooth (I'm now 38 & he's 46) when we met, & fell madly in love very quickly. I love him to bits most of the time, but he's a nightmare to communicate with, & we can't discuss anything contentious without it turning into an argument.
If something has annoyed me, or we've had cross words, I'll want to talk about it & let him know why it annoyed/upset me. But he just wants to forget it happened & move on. To me, that just harbours resentment & means the "issue" will likely keep recurring.
Our latest barny started like this: I put baby to bed last night. (Nearly always me doing it as DH works late) As per usual, he fought going to sleep in bedside cot, wailed for ages, & eventually fell asleep snuggled up beside me on bed. As he nodded off, I suddenly had revelation that maybe bedroom is just too bright for him, with light curtains & facing evening sun. (Maybe this should have occurred to me sooner....doh!....) So when I eventually got back downstairs I reported my (hopefully) genius revelation to DH, saying I would try putting something darker over window to see if it helped. Note: DH was in the throes of a college assignment with a midnight deadline, but in fairness he had left it to the last minute as per usual. But he had asked how bedtime went, & I only planned to tell him re curtains idea & then leave him to work. Anyway, he dismissed the whole notion, started saying "I think we're putting him to bed too early" - kept repeating this, (we're not - it's usually between 7-8pm), "what's the big deal?"(doh! - baby is wailing & upset & obviously it's not nice for me either) He started saying "why don't we just keep baby downstairs until he's sleepy?" (we/I do!). Also, when it's him putting baby to bed if I'm out (twice!) "he just brings him out for a walk maybe at 9pm to get him to nod off , why can't we just do that every night?" I explained again all about bedtime routines etc, which he should know. He was obviously getting frustrated with conversation & saying "what do you want me to do???!!". I didn't want him to do anything! I just wanted to mention curtains idea, & didn't appreciate him suddenly questioning & criticising the whole bedtime routine I had been trying to establish 😞To clarify, baby sometimes goes to sleep easily enough, but has been bad every night for past week.
I left the room, then called into him asking when he was ready for dinner. He grumpily said he didn't know, I said "well, are you hungry?, again a grumpy "I don't know, I'm not hungry, I'm busy, I'm under pressure" So of course I got cranky & said "I'm only trying to help!" I warmed up dinner & gave it to him, popped in once or twice to see if he wanted a cup of tea, but was stand-off ish & obviously still annoyed.
Sorry this is so long! Fast forward to today, & we're both civil with each other but not exactly friendly or affectionate.
I tried to start a conversation by saying "you were a bit stressed last night". I planned to then let him know I was upset about direction conversation took last night, & ask why was he suddenly questioning & criticising bed TIME all of a sudden, & let him know why it pissed me off.
That's not how our discussion went tho! Before I'd barely got a word out, he blew up at me. Apparently, he "wasn't stressed!!!". He was "under pressure!!!" I said, ok I was just trying to be supportive (i.e. re making dinner when he wanted it) Apparently I should have just made it & handed it to him. (N.B. he's not a caveman, he does most of the cooking) And "I wasn't being supportive, I was trying to cause an argument as usual".
I barely got to say a word for the next few minutes....he started getting really angry, saying I'm always looking for an argument, that's my pattern etc, why can't I just leave things. He wouldn't let me explain why I was upset. I was crying & at one point he sneeringly complained about my "pathetic whining". When I tried to ask if he meant the crying, or having a moan about the baby the previous night, he really blew up. Apparently I was always asking questions, interrogating him etc. Why couldn't I just "reflect on my own behaviour". He also called me a moron & a psycho at various points.
I tried to say, as I've done during/after previous arguments, that we just deal with conflicts differently - I want to discuss, he wants to ignore, why can't we compromise or maybe get some help from a counsellor blah blah blah... But when he's like this he just won't listen to anything.....
But also, if I try to suggest same when everything is rosy between us he says it's unnecessary, every couple falls out etc etc....why am I bringing it up, almost getting annoyed...
Sorry again this is so long, but I have 2 main questions.
How do we improve our communication when we're so different or should I just adopt his way of ignoring every conflict/issue as he's unwilling to change?
Is it ok for one person to say such horrible things (moron, psycho etc) in the heat of an argument, & then expect the other person not to be seriously considering divorce?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Is my husband nasty & mean or am I completely at fault?
gummychops · 05/07/2016 21:57
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