Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Feel like I'm not on DP's list of priorities :(

(15 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Mon 04-Jul-16 14:59:12

DP has an interest, it might be identifying to talk about what it is but I can't really explain the problem by being vague! It's cars. He is obsessed.

He works as a mechanic, so works with cars all day. He has several project cars he has at home so when he gets home from work he will go straight out to the garage and work on those. He might come in for dinner and then go out again or just stay out there till really late then come in and eat so I see him for a grand total of about an hour before we go to bed. Weekends are the same, he is either out there doing stuff or going to see friends who are doing similar things.

I am not into cars. At all. In the slightest. I just don't see the attraction, they are just machines that get you from A to B and that's it to me. DP has tried to get me interested but I just can't get worked up about it like he does. Virtually all his disposable income goes on buying new parts, etc.

Now it's fine for couple to have different interests but we have virtually nothing in common sad. We've been together almost 3 years and are engaged but I find myself getting increasingly frustrated that our interests are so different. I am never going to be interested in cars and he is never going to be a bookworm like me. I don't want to break up over something that seems so silly but I can't imagine being married and spending my life with someone who I don't share any interests with.

Often when I ask him to do something, anything, with me, it seems to be done either grudgingly where I can tell he wants to be elsewhere, or he just blankly refuses. I desperately want to go on holiday with him but I can't see it happening as he never has any spare money with all the stuff he buys.

I asked him to take the day off for my birthday as I have the day off and will be spending it on my own doing nothing until he finishes work otherwise but he refused as he doesn't want to lose a day's pay. Fair enough but it's just another thing that is making me feel like I'm just not on his list of priorities. It's starting to make me feel really shitty because he almost never puts himself out for me where as I do lots of things for him (that he doesn't appriciate).

There are so many lovely things about him, reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place, and I really like the fact that he is such a hard worker. In some ways he is the polar opposite to by douchbag ex who happily sponged off me for almost our entire 8 yr relationship. But I'm just so sick of spending every evening and day off by myself. Doing nothing, going nowhere. We never go anywhere together or do anything interesting and I'm just tired of it. I don't have a lot of friends and I'm so fucking lonely 90% of the time but we live in a tiny rural town that has virtually no opportunities for meeting new people.

He did recently confess that he was feeling depressed so I wonder if the constantly being out in the garage is a form of escape and he just needs his space. I don't want to crowd or pressure him but he won't talk to me and I don't know how to help him. I just want things to get back to how they used to be. I'm hoping that if I give him time and space that he will eventually come out of it but will he? What if he doesn't? He's quite happy to chat to a female friend about his problems but not me. If I try and talk to him about things that are bothering me he just shuts down as he can't handle me 'having a go at him' even if I'm just talking normally and rationally rather than screaming and crying.

What do I do? (Sorry it's so long confused)

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jul-16 15:04:36

I don't understand why you're with him. You both like completely different things and the thing he likes keeps him out of the house, whereas yours keeps you in the house.

For that alone I'd be wanting to get out of the relationship.

However, you then say at the end that he's happy to talk to other women about his problems, but not you. He says you're having a go at him when you're not.

If there were children involved it might be worthwhile doing something about this, but if I were you I'd just call it a day. You could meet someone lovely who shared your interests and didn't talk to other women about his problems instead of you.

It might be better if you moved to a more lively area, though, as where you are now sounds like it would be difficult for you to have much of a social life.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 04-Jul-16 15:10:52

What do you get out of this relationship now apart from liking the fact that he is a hard worker?. How much time and space are you prepared to give him; infact he has time and space away from you now, giving him even more means that you will see even less of each other. Perhaps he is infact cowardly and wants you to end the relationship for him so that he does not have to feel bad.

You've gone from one extreme to another; you had a lazy ex and now you have a workaholic non talker of a man for a partner. The problem here is he is really no supportive person to have around at all; his main relationship is with his car projects and his main focus is on that.

What are you doing with him?. u are not on his priority list; a man like you describe simply wants someone to look after him. He may or may not be depressed; has he actually seen a GP?. How is it that he can talk to a female friend (is this his ex?) of his about his problems but not to you; that in itself is suspect in its own right.

I would make plans to separate from him. I am sorry if you do not want to read that but this is really going nowhere. Marriage to him will be a complete disaster ending in the divorce courts. What is really keeping you with him now? This is who he is; he is not going to change.

LilacInn Mon 04-Jul-16 15:12:41

You have nothing in common but you are engaged. Why???
Do you think he will magically change? Do you want to live this way for decades to come?

We can be attracted to persons, and admire them or even love them - but that doesn't make them the right fit for a life partner.

Penfold007 Mon 04-Jul-16 15:16:16

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He gets his meals, cooked, laundry and housework done alongside sex whilst he opts out of any actual being in a relationship.

ElspethFlashman Mon 04-Jul-16 15:22:56

What on earth are you doing engaged to him? Living in the back arse of nowhere with a man who barely notices you're alive after only 3 years?

Just because he's not an arsehole doesn't mean you're actually meant to be together.

Are you literally just with him cos he's "lovely"? Cos he's a safe dependable harbour who won't be like your ex?

I'm shocked you lasted this long tbh.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Mon 04-Jul-16 15:38:23

I had an incredibly tough time after splitting with my ex for a number of reasons. I lost everything and it was the worst time of my life. If I didn't have Dp supporting me through it I honestly believe I would be dead by now.

He didn't used to be like this. He always loved his cars but he made time for me, was affectionate, complimentary, etc. It's only recently this has changed.

He changed jobs in the last month as he was stressed up to the eyeballs and headed for a nervous breakdown working 80+hrs a week. That's when he said he was getting depressed and he does have a history of depression so I do believe him. He was taught growing up to not express himself, 'boys don't cry' etc but I'm incredibly hurt that he talks to his other woman (not his ex, just a friend who lives hundreds of miles away) rather than me.

mrsbrightside3 Mon 04-Jul-16 15:42:16

How do you know he is lovely if you don't actually spend anytime with him? An hour a day / no weekends / no holidays etc. A good relationship requires work put into it and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that. Whether thats because he is depressed, selfish, or just no into you is by the by. you don't deserve it.

As others have said, this will get 100% worse if marry him and have children with him.

Have you tried giving him an ultimatum? Something like 'look honey, I love you and want to spend my life with you, but I am lonely and miserable. If you can't commit to spending more time with me (and then specify what you would like) then I will presume you are not interested in me and our relationship anymore and that you won't miss me when I leave you - which I will as I deserve a man who wants to spend time with me'.

mrsbrightside3 Mon 04-Jul-16 15:43:33

I actually was about to feel sorry for him and blame stress / depression.... until I read 'other woman'.....

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jul-16 15:57:57

Sorry but I agree with the others.
Please don't settle as this being your life for the next 40-50 years!
Seriously, is this what you want?
I bet it isn't because no-one would want this.
End it.
Put everyone out of their misery.

Tellmewhyohwhy Mon 04-Jul-16 16:27:51

I could have written your post op. My exh was exactly the same and practically lived in the garage pursuing a hobby I could not share. Let me tell you he did not change in twenty years. Make that 25 years as he is still obsessed now 5 years after we divorced.

I really cannot see what you are getting out of this. I was the type of person who always had to be coupled up but the relief of being on my own and not having to put up with a hobby that takes over everything is wonderful.

TheCrumpettyTree Mon 04-Jul-16 17:05:20

Can you imagine if you had children? They'd never see him, you'd be doing everything on your own.

Do you feel like you owe him something because he got you out of a bad situation? You have nothing in common, don't marry him just because he's not your ex.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Mon 04-Jul-16 18:10:45

We aren't going to have any children so at least I don't have to worry about that side of things.

I'm going to talk to him and try to iron things out. I really don't want to break up but I just don't see the point in staying in a relationship where we don't spend any time together sad

ImperialBlether Mon 04-Jul-16 22:53:15

I think the main problem now is the other woman he's confiding in. He's not spending leisure time with you and not confiding in you. What's the relationship about?

SandyY2K Mon 04-Jul-16 23:10:50

Getting married would be a huge mistake as things stand. You'd be filing for divorce and adding to the stats before you know it.

Perhaps letting him know that you don't see the value in getting married due to the minimal time you spend together will make him see you're serious.

You can tell him he was tremendous support in the past and you admire his hard work, but as things stand marriage would be stagnant, as you barely spend time together and that's not what you want.

The talking to his female friend would certainly bother me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now