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Need some honest advice
Soph W(5) said:
Yesterday 23:06
Need some honest advice
Ok I've posted before but no longer have access to my computer or email so here we go....
Been with dh 10 yrs married 8, with two kids (6 & 1).
Just after the youngest was born, a new guy started at dh work (it's just him and dh). This guy is young (25) single no kids and lives with his mom.
After a few months the after work pint became a habit. No problem with that. Then his first night out when he rolled in at 630am having walked home for 2 hours from a club, when he'd said he was going to the local pub and back by midnight. I was worried sick. At the same time he'd started treating me badly, nothing major just lack of interest and disrespecting me. He didn't bother with the kids, literally sat on the sofa from home time til bedtime.
He insisted he wasn't bothered about going out but then started going all the time, coming in at midnight and then it became 1am and then 2am etc... Him going out all the time started affecting our marriage but he chose to continue, saying it was his way of getting away from arguments (stupid excuse as it was causing the arguments!) he constantly put this friend before me and the kids, choosing him and listening to him (I saw messages from him saying to ignore me and taking the out of me). The friend had no respect for the fact dh was married with kids.
I told him I wanted a divorce and he told me I'd have to fight for it. He was angry and hurt. We managed to talk things through.
That aside, I asked dh if we could start going out as a couple as we haven't for many years. He said yes but didn't bother to plan anything and made excuses when I did. So it never happened. He forgot our 10 ye anniversary and went out with his friend instead.
All the while telling me he doesn't go out, isn't bothered about going, isn't friends with this guy he's just a work mate, not bothered about his friend etc..
His treatment of me got worse, he didn't seem to care about me or my feelings, we argued a lot, he called me names, ignored me etc.
So I told him I had had enough and wanted a divorce. Fed up of him not doing anything with the kids, how he was with me and his single lad lifestyle. This was in May. He didn't seem to take me seriously and we were still getting along and having sex, not much really changed.
Then we had an argument and he discovered the debt i had been hiding for 5 years.
The debt - 15k - was part house moving expenses which he knew about but seems to have forgotten and part living expenses. We'd gone from 2 incomes to 1, he was earning a lot less when it all started and it was literally overspending on groceries and bills whilst having a child (and then another) to feed. It was wrong of me not to tell him we were struggling and wrong to hide it but I was ashamed and felt like a failure as he worked full time and I was a sahm. A lot was interest etc as well. Once he'd had a pay rise we no longer needed to use any credit but the damage was done and I had to get a debt management plan (he knew about the dmp as he found out at xmas but he thought it was just for my old small student credit cards).
Well he flipped quite rightly. He threatened to go to the police and say all the debt was got behind his back (not true). He was so angry.
Over the next couple of weeks I apologised and tried to explain. I told him I wanted him to now control the finances and give me cash as required. I begged for forgiveness.
He told me he didn't like the person I'd become and things could never go back to how they were. He took the hard drive out of my computer (he said to protect himself?!) and that hurt me as it had all the baby photos on.
He literally ignored me other than to email nasty things to me and tell me to sell the house. He told me that I caused the divorce and want it so I should pay for it or not mention it again because he didn't want be bullying him into filing for it or paying for it. He took his wedding ring off after I snapped at him to (he says he only took it off because I told him to). He now says he's sold it (doubtful but you never know).
We had a week where we were getting along again and he was building a swing in the garden like everything was ok but then we argued over him wanting to be single (he says he doesn't want to be single? But he is if we are split?)
He refuses to leave and says he will stay until the house is sold because he bought it and pays for it, not strictly true as I did work over the years and contribute.
I told him I'm not selling the house. It's in his name but I have registered home rights so he'd have to go to court to sell it and he knows they'd most likely agree I could stay until the kids are 18 (possible as his child support is equal to the mortgage payment)
So now we are at stale mate. The atmosphere is toxic. He ignores me, literally not a word to me. The only time he speaks to me is to make a nasty comment.
He undermines me all the time out of spite, if I say no to the kids he says yes.
To be fair he is starting to do more with the kids,he says he has always been hands on (not at all!) and denies it is him changing. He's still not hands on but he has improved.
I have tried talking to him and apologising begging etc but he blanks me completely. He refuses to discuss the split ir getting back together.
Anyway due to the comments in front of the kids and the atmosphere I told him on Tuesday to leave. I said it didn't have to be permanent but for the kids sake we needed breathing space. I told him he had until Monday to either sit and talk like an adult or leave. He'd just been paid so I told him to keep the 2 grand and pay a deposit and rent on a flat (approx 400-500 each).
He didn't come back from work on weds. It wasn't planned as he didn't take anything with him. He didn't contact me either. He came home on Thursday after work like normal without any explanation.
Left me wondering where he was. He has no family or friends other than the one friend who he apparently hadn't told anything to. Apparently not mentioned any problems or split. He's too tight to pay for a hotel and his van has a tracker so the only place he can park is home, work or his friends because they work together. Did they go out get drunk and pull? Did he sleep in his van? Does he have a girlfriend? Did he meet a woman and sleep there? Did he just chill at his friends? What excuse could he possibly give his friend?
Up until weds he'd not been out for a month, he told me he doesn't go out. Along with now doing more with kids it's like he was making an effort to change though he denied that.
I haven't spoken to him since he got back and he hasn't spoken to me. I try to remove the kids from the atmosphere by going out when I can. We cannot ve in the same room but he's making it hard. On Thursday we were in the kitchen, he comes in so I take the kids in the garden. He then comes into the garden to play with the kids.
Tonight he came into their room and tried to take the baby from me who was screaming because she's ill. Something he never does. It's like he's trying to prove a point that he will see the kids when I'm there which would be OK if he didn't make an atmosphere! I can't go out and leave them with him as he's useless and nothing would get done other than a ruined routine.
Despite not leaving he hasn't given me any money which means the bills were not paid and I've had to feed the kids and put petrol in the car with money from a friend. He won't give me any money which is ok if he leaves but he isn't!!
I feel like I should go ahead and follow through with kicking him out on Monday. If j try to talk him round it just gives him the power and he will just ignore me
I don't know what to do but I'm miserable and it's affecting the kids.
His friend now has a girlfriend which might be why he goes out less now.
Dh refuses to tell me if he loves me or not.
He spoke to me for the first time in days to ask me to take him to hospital on my way out. I did and I then rang him later and he ignored me. Eventually by text he told me he had appendicitis.i asked if they were operating and he said yes. He wouldn't tell me when. I asked to be there and he said no. I asked if he wanted me to bring anything and he sAid no, just to look after the girls.
I had my appendix out a few months ago and all I did was text him and ask about the girls and get him to bring them to see me. He didn't come to my operation because he was too shy to arrange a babysitter as they're all my friends who he doesn't know. So I suspect he thinks if I go to his operation I will rub it in his face that he didn't go to mine.
Or maybe he's not even still at hospital and is having a few days with another woman who knows. He took his keys which is odd given that obviously I drove him. I suspect there's something in his van he doesn't want me to see.
I am heartbroken
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Skdon · 03/07/2016 19:25
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