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I'm ruining everybody's life, especially DH.(69 Posts)
I am an awful, messed up person. I keep making the same stupid decisions again and again. I have cheated on DH while drunk and he's forgiven me. I have run up tens of thousands in credit card debts several times. I only manage to clean the house once a week and that's because MIL comes over and helps me. I have days when I can't even get out of bed or get dressed. DH had to take today off work because I was suicidal.
I just can't go on like this. I'm toxic. DH is so amazing and I don't deserve him at all, if he posted on here about me you'd all tell him to leave me. We have fantastic kids who are being damaged by me, social services are a constant presence and they've been referred to a young carers group. None of them deserve this and I'm not sure how much longer they will put up with me.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post, I just needed to say it somewhere. I'm a hateful person.
You're not well op.
Are you receiving treatment at the moment?
Your family love you and you deserve that love , it's just hard for you to get perspective right now.
You need to look at why you are behaving the way you are? If you're not....go for counselling to address the issues? Poor you....you sound like you're in a dark place and hitting the self destruction button.... hold on to hope and try and get yourself help...please....you're special and important and need help so you can be there for dh, dc and most importantly you xx
I've just finished five months of therapy and I see my cpn weekly. I'm seeing the psych for a med review next week but I've been on so many different combinations and nothing really makes a difference.
I couldn't even get up to get the kids off to school this morning, DH had to and then he's had to hover around me all day to stop me harming myself. It's not fair on him. I'm not the woman he married.
OP you sound anything but hateful to me. You've obviously made some mistakes and have some problems to overcome but that doesn't make you hateful or toxic. It sounds to me as though you want to do better, be better for your family and that wouldn't be the case if you didn't care about them. My advice is limited because I don't know much about your situation but being kinder to yourself sounds like it would be a good start
I'm not a psychologist but I think the 1st stage in putting things right is admitting that there is a problem, but it does sound that you need some help, even your user name screams a lack of self worth. I suspect that your actions reflect an attempt to feel good about yourself, but they probably have the opposite effect.
You are right that your partner doesn't deserve to be subjected to big debts and cheating, nobody does, so you need to take control of your behaviour.I think you are very fortunate that he's stood by you so far.
Good luck, I hope you get the help you need and that you are able to put an end to the destructive behaviours.
You need help. Both medical and through therapy otherwise you will be throwing away an awful lot and live in regret.
At the moment he can evidence your inability to cope and look after your children. You are unable to keep the home order. This could all get too much for him with the constant worry that you will harm yourself and he may find the safest thing is to have you placed in a MH unit for your own safety and his sanity.
I'm saying it as it is. He's human and has feelings too. Right now he's getting very little from your marriage.
For the sake of yourself, your husband/marriage and family get help now.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds as if you truly want to make progress and have a calm/happy life. Is inpatient an option if things are going poorly? It might give you time to find a good medication combination without the stress of everyday life.
I was in a depressive spell and it's so hard to recognize and address. Luckily, the medication has helped. And finding the right combination will help you too! Don't give up on treatment. Your family loves you and needs you.
what are your diagnoses, OP? i have BPD and you sound like me before they got my meds right.
There is no more help. I'm already 'in the system'. There's nothing more they can do for me than they are already doing. I just can't see a way out of this hell I'm putting them all through.
DH works hard and earns good money and then has to come home and look after me because I'm such an utter waste of space. It isn't fair.
They won't hospitalise me, there are no beds. I've taken six overdoses in the last couple of years and each time they send me home and I get two or three weeks of daily input from the crisis team. And then a few months later the whole sorry cycle starts again. It's a mess.
I'm bipolar, and I could have written this a few years ago. DH and I are very stable and good now, but it took medication, and a decent CMHT and a lot of help to get there.
You're not bad. You're unwell, sweetheart. What help do you have?
Cross posted. Do you have a therapist? One of my mates has BPD and has CAT therapy weekly and it has made a huge difference.
I have a team around me, cpn, social worker, psychiatrist, gp who are all very involved. I've just completed a long therapy course for BPD. I take meds. I just don't know what else to do. I'm just broken.
If your husband was ill you would stand by him too
Of course I would. But I can't imagine him putting me through the nonsense I've subjected him to.
I'm needy, I drink to the point of blacking out when I'm not supposed to drink at all, I struggle with even basic household stuff, I spend money we don't have (recent notable purchases including a brand new car and a puppy), I'm an emotional mess and deeply paranoid (not about DH, oddly, but about other people) and I keep hurting myself which hurts everyone else. It's all going to go to shit and it's my fault.
I don't have any experience with BPD. But try not to put too much pressure on yourself to "get better." Your only job for your family is to keep trying treatments. Whether or not you realize it, it probably means the world to your DH that you are in treatment and are trying different meds. He knows you want to recover just as much as he wants it for you and knows that you're trying for them.
It's been two years of this though. I used to be relatively normal, worked full time, did all the housework and parented the kids. I was always a bit of a mess in the overspending and drinking too much issues but I coped reasonably well with life.
This past two years have been hellish though. I was signed off work and seem to have completely lost the ability to function in the real world.
Firstly, for you Op. I have had dealing with mental health support from the other side (supper worker desperately trying to make the right people see the huge relapse that was coming) and it's so hard to get people what they need. You must be exhausted.
Practically, can DH stop your access to money for a while? Just let you access a limited amount that isn't enough to get you in to trouble? I'm assuming you have no alcohol in the house too if that is an issue?
Please stop telling yourself this is your fault. If your DH had some condition (physical or mental) and acted out of character, you'd support him, of course you would, because you would see him, the person rather than the behaviour created by the illness. Stop fighting him on this - if he wants to support you, let him.
Engage in every bit of help that's offered, even if you think it's crap. You just don't know what could / would help you.
And talk. Talk lots, call Samaritans, your support team, friends, anyone really. Post on here. If you get even an inkling that your thinking something that isn't quite right / that you're about to do anything questionable, talk to someone.
BPD is massively difficult to treat, but not impossible. It's hard if you don't have the services in your area though. FWIW I have a colleague who has BPD - hers is controlled, she takes the medication, does the therapy, holds down a job in mental health research and has a loving family. She is an amazing person. That's possible for you too, you just need the right kind of treatment and support. Don't give up.
Thank you. I don't have any access to money or credit cards now.
There's usually no alcohol in the house but I was invited to a selling party at the neighbours last night and drank three bottles of her wine. I don't remember getting home. It's made me feel like never leaving the house again as I just can't be trusted to behave like a normal adult.
All that impulsive behaviour is part of your illness. It isn't who you are. Alcohol is clearly a hazard for you, so you and people around you will need to take steps to protect you. You need and deserve help because there is a real you in there waiting to come out.
Where are your parents? Are they still around and able to help in any way?
You need to lay off alcohol altogether. I knew of someone in a similar situation and eventually the MIL was so distressed and anxious seeing her DS go through this that she became ill herself.
That's when her DH left her.
What's your plan if he leaves you? Do you have friends or family that can help? You'll need it.
Your kids need a mother. You serve a purpose. Please don't ever forget that. You have plenty value.
Have you had any counselling at all? Keep in going back help and telling them you aren't getting better. If necessary document you contact with them.
When things are in writing they know there is an audit trail. Copy in your GP , the CMHT and anyone else necessary.
Don't give up.
My parents aren't the greatest support tbh. My mother in particular thinks I do all these things on purpose and that I should just snap out of it.
In all honesty if DH leaves me I will kill myself. He's a much better parent than me anyway and they would be better off with him. He says he's never going to leave me but who knows. I've never said to him I'll kill myself if he leaves me btw, I'm not that manipulative.
I am going to go cold turkey on the booze now, it was the first time in over a week that I'd had a drink and I thought I could handle it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to yourself as a useless bitch. You're not well. Your husband is standing by you because he wants to, because he loves you and he's a decent man who cares about you.
One step at a time, my love. Be kind to yourself.
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