Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I don't want my marriage to fail(32 Posts)
What do you get out of this relationship now? What needs of yours are being met here?
What sort of relationship model is your DD being shown here?. Its a rubbish one.
What he does say to you and what he does are two very different things. Actions speak louder than words. You seem more like flatmates who are not really getting on than an actual couple. If he won't talk either then there is nothing much you can do to make him actually listen. Do you feel that he has only really told you what you want to hear?
He is not a good dad at all if he is treating you as her mum like this. Women as well tend to write the "he's a good dad" comment also when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case here.
I think the PP is being overly harsh on your DH OP. I can't see anything in your post which makes me think he's not a good dad.
You say you've both lost your way, you both don't initiate sex, you both sit at opposite ends of the couch....
It's good that you once felt the spark and had something great together.
Do you feel you could discuss this openly with him. It sounds like that's the first step. He might be feeling as lonely as you are.
hopefully by talking you can take steps back to re strengthening your relationship.
I think sometimes this happens when you have small dc. Have you considered going to relate or something? To get you talking and to acknowledge things are going seriously awry?
Having a child is a major life changing event. Me and my partner are finding it hard with two children 0-2 as we have lost our ability to be spontaneous and go out for meals/drinks like we used to. Maybe he is grieving for how your relationship used to be. It's easy to get stuck in a rut with life and sex I think! The less sex you have, the less you want. Encouraging him to go out with his friends may give him a new lease of life.
I would personally suggest couples counselling if you genuinely want it to work. All relationships go through ups and downs. I'm not saying you should definitely stay together, but at least you know you've tried for your daughter. It's different when children are involved IMO.
I think the PP was being totally unfair on your husband, with the quite minimal information you have given. It's the classic of one of you needing to step up to the plate, to break the downward cycle here. It sounds like the age old adage in reverse of a child coming along & the DH feeling sidelined. You need to tell him you just feel like a Mum & not a partner at the moment
He is not a good dad to his child because he is treating the OP, her mother, like this. Why is he so serious these days, why does he not want to talk? Why does he not care about things she has to say? What he says to OP (he states that he still loves her) and what he does are two very different things. The constant bickering itself is enough not to want to make the OP have sex with her H.
Even though their child is very young she will pick up on the underlying tensions in her house. She cannot understand it or even express it. Its not an ideal atmosphere for her.
It takes two to make a relationship work, a person cannot carry this on their own. If he will not go to Relate then go on your own. You certainly need to talk in a calm and controlled environment.
You need to get the spark back. Try arranging date nights and initiate fun things to do. You'll need a babysitter and you need to want to be with him sexually.
Your lack of desire will be affecting him and could make him withdraw a bit.
Nothing shows that he is at fault here. It's something you both need to work on.
Can I suggest tonight you put down the phone don't mumsnet and sit beside him.
It sounds simplistic but I sometimes have to do the same thing to re connect with my husband as we can get in a rut of him watching TV in one room and me somewhere else watching Netflix or mumsnetting the longer it's left the further we drift.
For me it has a snowball effect of we will then talk or put a film on that we will both watch etc this follows through over the next few days of just being kinder to each other conversation seems easier. It's hard to actually explain.
If you want it to work you need to try
It happens when you've got small kids. After work and looking after DC people just too knackered to do anything else. Hopefully it will pass as DC grow older and you reconnect.
Can you get away for a solid 24-48 hours just the two of you? No special plans just spend time together, talk together walk together. Otherwise do it at home if there is a day your DD goes to nursery.
Controversial opinion but your Daughter isnt your whole world. Your relationship with your DH is very important. Make sure you (both) put as much energy into that as with your DD.
I sympathise so much with this. The thing that has been the very very best for us was doing The Marriage Course - it's run all over the place, by churches.
I think it's amazing - do google it; there are articles about it by various journalists. It's opened both of our eyes to the little things we BOTH do that hurt the other's feelings, and to the little things we can do that will, pebble by pebble build our relationship, rather than (continuing to) erode it.
This is really common when small children are in the family. It exhausting being a parent whether your at home with them or working full time. Me and my DH have a great relationship IMO but we definitely have days like this where we are snippy with each other and spend more time on our phones than talking to each other.
Don't immediately think the marriage is over though you can get back to a good place again. Start with the tiny things and work upwards. You can't just start wanting sex again overnight but start by both of you making the effort to hold hands, kiss, snuggle up on the sofa even if you are just staring at the tele and work from there.
And talk. A lot. Not just about how you feel about your relationship though or it will become defensive. Talk about everything, the baby, the news etc and it will become natural eventually again soon.
And seek counselling if that's not doing the trick. Marriages are worth saving even if they take tonnes of effort. Really hope you two get through this love.
And also the marriage course is supposed to be amazing too! Me and my DH Haven't been on one yet but we agree we definitely will go on one before our 5 year anniversary to keep things fresh. Lots of friends been on it and rave about it.
Have to agree with Atilla. My marriage has floundered because of my DH's inability to has a discussion about anything beyond work or Britex. I think it's really tricky when young children are involved. In hindsight, I don't think DDs see a relationship where there is care and joy.
This might be overly simplistic but could you text him when he's at work and say something about how you miss couple time and you're tired and how does he fancy getting a takeaway, opening some wine and cuddling up watching a film? I realise that isn't a relationship saver but I think even if you love each other it is easy to get stuck in a rut and sometimes just cuddling and sharing something can help!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sounds like me & my h. I was on the other side though, wanted sex & intimacy. Perhaps the lack of this is making him feel unwanted & lonely hence frustrated and snippy. Small steps may help you back. I tried but nothing worked for us.
seriously, try it. It's brilliant. And if it doesn't work, it's cheap (less than 2 sessions of therapy!) and they even give you dinner.
I can't really work out quite what it has done for us - given us some very simple ideas about things we can DO to make life more fun (first thing - timetable in some time), some things we can STOP doing (DH - retreating and sulking; me - arguing and generally charging about) - but it's also, over the weeks, really made us feel as if we're on the same team again.
Your marriage sounds like ours: very strong beginnings in love and friendship, but a gradual erosion, a hollowing-out.
Bickering is usually a sign of poor communication and being annoyed with each other because there is a discrepancy between what the other person says and how you think they behave.
I agree with a pp and suggest you put down your gadgets and spend time together.
Do you have meals together?
Try having a meal (or a drink) together and use it as a time to talk.
Listen to some music together or watch some tv together.
Talk to each other and really listen to what the other person is saying.
Don't talk feelings as criticisms. Take it as things to work on.
Try to remain calm and attentive.
Work on intimacy too.
Me and hubby went through this, it almost cost us our marriage after 18 years. We had a huge row and next day we went out away from the house and just talked and talked. We spoke about everything from what he does that annoys me to how we should parent the children and to sex.
That was over a year ago and we still apply the ground rules we made then.
When he gets in from work he spends time with the children,
We then talk about our day usually over dinner.
We go to bed and no phones are allowed in the bedroom and we have removed the tv.
This has worked for us, but talking is where it starts it was hard as hubby never really opened up but once he started without me butting in or dismissing him, he just didn't stop, yes some things he said hurt but that's because he was being honest.
It makes perfect sense.
But as for that woman at work moaning, work moaning stays at work and home moaning stays at home, the only difference is home is where you should like to spend your time, so if the home isn't a relaxing environment then tension will grow.
We even apply this to the children ds will come home from school today with homework we will not let him do this until Monday because remember when you was at school and you just couldn't wait for home time Friday, well Friday and the start of the weekend wouldn't be nice as he would be expecting fun and games but instead has to come home to do homework, it's not much fun.
Me and hubby make sure the children get their time but we also need our time and if you are watching tv our on your phones you will miss it. Get the kids to bed tonight turn of the WiFi and tv and ask him about his day and tell him about yours, it's a start.
You need to talk about how you're feeling with him, he can't avoid talking about it if you insist.
Having a child is hard on a relationship and I've been where you are. Eventually I was ready to walk, I just couldn't take it any more (I also read lovely things from colleagues in a card and had the same response as you). As for sex, well why would you want to if you get no affection or intimacy the rest of the time. It's the holding hands, kisses during the day, cuddles that form the intimacy in a relationship, not the sex.
After lots of difficult talks and both of us agreeing to change, we started to be more affectionate and communicate more. It's a work in progress and we're not back to how we were, I don't think we ever will be, but we'll see. Things are better. The conversations were painful, horrible, uncomfortable, but they needed to happen and they still happen from time to time.
Join the discussion
Please login first.