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Giving up my children

(299 Posts)
Throughautomaticdoors Thu 30-Jun-16 19:02:01

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

Nilgiri Thu 30-Jun-16 19:05:32

Sorry to hear you're so unwell. I hope you're getting at least enough support from your GP to make it through the day.thanks

JustHavinABreak Thu 30-Jun-16 19:08:29

First, I'm so sorry that you're going through this flowers I don't think that this is the time to make huge, life-changing decisions like leaving your marriage or giving up your kids. Those can have permanent effects. PND isn't permanent though. There is a way out and people who want to help you. If you really feel right now that your options are death or inpatient help, then go for the help. Your family will be there for you afterwards. Think of this as just a little time out to get back on track. Be kind to yourself and keep talking.

Nilgiri Thu 30-Jun-16 19:08:41

Unless there's a lot more wrong with the relationship than PND, this doesn't sound like a "leaving them" situation.

More a "taking a break from" situation.

You don't have to be an inpatient in a hospital to have a bit of time on your own while you recuperate. Although maybe being an inpatient might be helpful? Is it something you've talked through with your doctor or MH services?

notagiraffe Thu 30-Jun-16 19:09:07

Hi,
Have you had a proper break, inside a MH unit or a mother and baby MH unit? Please don't make such a life altering decision as giving up your DC when you are so unwell as it's unlikely to be a decision you'd stand by when you got well. And you will eventually feel better than you do right now, even though that may be hard to believe.
There must be other options for getting better. What have the medics dealing with your PND said so far?

ImperialBlether Thu 30-Jun-16 19:10:16

A friend of mine had very bad PND, like you, and she was in hospital for a while. She had such a lovely relationship with her children when she came out and they love her so much and vice versa. PND is a terrible illness. Please get help for it.

Throughautomaticdoors Thu 30-Jun-16 19:11:55

I've made some terrible decisions regarding my dd - they were made with the best of intentions but they were wrong. For this reason I just don't think I'm capable of looking after the children. I love them so much and that's the problem. I'm so anxious over them, especially the baby, that the only way I can see to feel any better is to not be responsible for them.
At the moment I get up and wait to go back to bed. We rarely go out. I rarely get dressed to be honest. What sort of life is that for my children? Ds has always been loads of places and I've done so much with him. All of a sudden he's had to adapt to a sister and a completely useless and incapacitated mother.

MIL would be thrilled to have the children. It feels like the only option at the moment.

Allatseainthemidlands Thu 30-Jun-16 19:12:52

Sorry to hear you are feeling so very unwell. See your GP and if possible also seek some legal advice from solicitors who specifically work in family law. Try to get advice before you make any irrevocable decision. Is there anyone- like your parents or a good friend- who could have the children just for a few days while you seek advice and consider your options? What does your DH feel in all this? You are doing really well to seek help. Do you have a health visitor who can support you? Take care of yourself. flowers

Pearlman Thu 30-Jun-16 19:16:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Throughautomaticdoors Thu 30-Jun-16 19:16:14

I'm on medication and under the perinatal team but I don't feel any better now than I did six months ago. My house is a tip, I look a state, ds is living on ready meals, I'm too tired to bother doing anything...
Dh has been away a lot since I had dd so I've been trying to manage on my own about half the time. Now he's on about going on holiday over the summer. How will I manage that? I can barely go to the supermarket. It's just not fair on my children or dh.

Allatseainthemidlands Thu 30-Jun-16 19:16:16

You aren't a useless mother. You are unwell. It isn't your fault. You are not a bad person.

Throughautomaticdoors Thu 30-Jun-16 19:17:38

The children and all decisions regarding them are always mine. Dh hasn't fed or changed dd once. I just can't do it anymore it feels like a physical pressure.

Pearlman Thu 30-Jun-16 19:18:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Misnomer Thu 30-Jun-16 19:19:39

Tell your mental health team that you don't feel like things are improving because there are other options, other than giving up your children. There is potentially more support available as well. I had very had PND after my last child and I thought I was a terrible mother and doing unspeakable harm. I was very unwell but it seemed to logical and believable at the time that I couldn't see that it was the PND talking. Things did get better and they can get better for you too.

Is your husband going on holiday without you? Has he been supportive? Do you have any other family that might be able to help?

Pearlman Thu 30-Jun-16 19:20:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Misnomer Thu 30-Jun-16 19:22:23

Ok, I've just seen your other post. I don't know how much this helps but I think your lack of support at home is part of the problem. Your DH should be doing a lot more to support you but he seems to be ducking out as much as possible.

Please tell the mental health team how you are feeling. I wasn't actually doing a terrible job as a mother, I just thought I was. I don't think you are doing a terrible job either. You are trying your best under very difficult circumstances. flowers

peppatax Thu 30-Jun-16 19:23:11

You have to chase chase chase to get proper help these days (the irony being when you're severely depressed you aren't able to chase doing anything!). Leaving DH and children is an absolute last resort but don't let others judge what you need to do to get well flowers

peppatax Thu 30-Jun-16 19:24:27

Oh okay so just read the update - you definitely need more support and help at home. Can MIL stay and help out? Does DH not see it's unreasonable to holiday while you are unwell?

ElspethFlashman Thu 30-Jun-16 19:24:46

I suspect I recognise you, OP. Have you name changed?

Have you asked your GP about inpatient services? Is that an absolute no go area for you? It might do you the world of good maybe?

ASAS Thu 30-Jun-16 19:26:32

Where are you? If you're in Glasgow I'll come to you tonight.

Misnomer Thu 30-Jun-16 19:30:07

I agree with Elspeth Flashman, being an in patient isn't a terrible thing. I was offered the option and it took some of the pressure off knowing that if things got really bad again I could just show up and they'd take care of me. I visited the unit as well as it was nice and calm and the staff were great. Please, please speak to your mental health team as soon as you can. There is help there and it can and does get better.

weebarra Thu 30-Jun-16 19:30:32

I think I recognise you too. Please seek help.

Throughautomaticdoors Thu 30-Jun-16 19:37:18

I don't want to be an impatient

Throughautomaticdoors Thu 30-Jun-16 19:38:32

Dh said if I got any worse he'd leave me anyway... So pretty sure being an inpatient clarifies as worse.
I can't see any other way out.
Yes I've had a name change. Unfortunately that's the only thing that has changed. I have sought help and I can't fault the help I've received. It's me, it just makes no difference.

Throughautomaticdoors Thu 30-Jun-16 19:40:07

Leaving them is absolutely what I want but whether I will have the strength to do it I don't know. It's like two different things fighting: I want to be away from them and I can't bear to be away from them.

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