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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can a woman ever really trap a man?

118 replies

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:14

With the word "trap" I mean with a child.
Basically I want a baby but my boyfriend doesn't at the minute.
It upsets me but I've accepted that in a couple of years he might change his mind.
My friends boyfriend wouldn't commit,wouldn't get a house together etc,would argue all the time and break up etc until she stopped taking the pill and got pregnant,she told him the bootea supplements she was taking stopped the pill working.
Now 19 months later they still together,he moved in with her and is a fantastic dad.
Yes they argue all the time and he even stays with his friends when they argue but he still goes back to her.
Then me and my boyfriend have a good relationship and he won't have a baby.
In a way I'm really jealous,he clearly fell back in love after the baby so what if my bf felt the same about a surprise baby.
I wouldn't ever do it,I just feel sad I guess that some people get whatever they want.

OP posts:

Report

TurnipCake · 30/06/2016 15:19

Do you really think your friend has everything she wants? The constant bickering, him staying with his friends? Doesn't sound like the happiest of family life.

You need to work out whether your boyfriend doesn't want a baby now, or whether it's actually ever, so you can be free to explore other options.

Piemernator · 30/06/2016 15:21

Well it's not a good relationship even if they stay together sort of. How old are you?

QueenLaBeefah · 30/06/2016 15:23

This is the worst idea ever. It does happen but generally leads to all round misery.

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:25

I think it's just because I'm really broody I'm feeling like this.
I'm 28 and feel like I'm wasting all my years.
What if in two years I have problems falling pregnant and I've wasted so long.
I will be honest I'm so jealous of my friend.
I know they argue but he hasn't walked away and they weren't that stable where me and my partner are strong and rarely argue just over stupid things.
I would never do what she did.
I couldn't be so sneaky to him.
It just makes me laugh the more sneaky you are the further forward you get

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/06/2016 15:26

What are your reasons for feeling ready for a baby now?

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:27

I've felt ready for a baby since 25.
We are happy,both work,have savings,live together.
Not sure why he doesn't want a child :-(

OP posts:

Tinklypoo · 30/06/2016 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gardencentregroupie · 30/06/2016 15:32

A family member of mine did this (yes I know for a fact she did)

He never wanted the kid. He dumped her, then came back and went again on and off for years. He had at least one long term affair that she knows of. He never financially supported his child, and only showed interest in the child on a whim. Now he's left for good, sees nothing of his adult child who has left the family home. Hardly a fairy story.

OP you are young. If you want a child leave your relationship and find someone who wants one. If you care about your partner do not lie to them and force them into a life they have explicitly stated they don't want. If you care for your future child don't have them to a man who doesn't want them.

Tinklypoo · 30/06/2016 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/06/2016 15:36

It's best to talk to your partner and find out his reasons for not wanting children now. Will he agree to reconsider it in a year, two years? If he is adamant that he doesn't want children at all, you need to think about whether you want to continue being with him. Find out where he see himself in five years time.

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:41

He said he isn't ready and wants to enjoy himself.
I think I just thought it worked for her and now 18 months later still ok.

OP posts:

BabooshkaKate · 30/06/2016 15:42

Was that a typo and did you mean to say you were 18? Because no grown ass adult that I know would envy a relationship full of arguing and strops and sleepovers at friends house because of those arguments.

Your friend has brought a child into a very volatile relationship. I would not be surprised if the child grew up with some serious emotional issues.

Don't do this. Does your boyfriend say he never wants a baby or just not now? If never then you need to leave or you will be very, very lonely in your relationship with a baby.

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:43

I think my desire for a child is totally clouding my rational thinking.

OP posts:

BabooshkaKate · 30/06/2016 15:45

I think I just thought it worked for her and now 18 months later still ok.

In the kindest possible way, OP... Did you grow up in a volatile, unstable home yourself? Because the situation you described with your friend is so far away from OK I am actually struggling to see how you could think otherwise.

Scarydinosaurs · 30/06/2016 15:48

What they have isn't 'OK'. I understand wanting a baby is clouding your judgement, but honestly, it's not a life anyone wants.

QueenLaBeefah · 30/06/2016 15:48

You sound far, far too immature to have a child.

If you really want a baby the best thing to do would be to break up from your boyfriend and start dating again. Plenty of men out there who would love to be a dad.

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:49

Il be honest in a way yes.
Mum and dad were together but argued and miserable and dad would tell me he was planning to leave( I was 11 at the time)
Don't know any different but still I had a nice childhood minus that

OP posts:

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:50

I don't think I'm immature tbh far from it.
Have a lot of responsibilities and cope well

OP posts:

bakeoffcake · 30/06/2016 15:50

Why not just leave him and find someone who does want DC with you?

You are only 28 and have plenty of time. Better to be with someone who cares and loves you and your child than someone who is "trapped".

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:52

I guess I just find it hard to see how a man could ever feel "trapped" because of a child as its his flesh and blood.

OP posts:

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 15:53

I need to have a proper chat with my partner I think.

OP posts:

hippiedays · 30/06/2016 15:57

Well it can work but it imo it isn't the road to happiness. I know some people (ie more than two couples) who are still in a marriage only because there is a child involved. One of them plod along, not entirely unhappy but in once case I know, one of them deeply regrets having a child with the child's mother. They are together, holiday together etc and he is in it for the long haul but it can't be a good environment for the child and there is something very sad about it.

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QueenLaBeefah · 30/06/2016 15:57

Only someone insanely immature would think this would be a good idea.

We are talking about a baby, a real life human with a life time of commitment not a bloody goldfish.

BabooshkaKate · 30/06/2016 15:58

You certainly do.

As for how they can feel trapped - your own dad is a prime example, not to mention all the men who leave pregnant women and young children. They exist, you must be aware of them. Hell, even men who want babies can panic and bolt. Both parties need to be fully committed. Babies break even the most stable relationships where they were always a part of the plan.

user1467042399 · 30/06/2016 16:05

My friends boyfriend didn't leave tho he stood by her.
They argue yes,but he has now committed,moved in etc
So it can happen and work out.
I know we don't know if he is happy but he stood by her.

OP posts:

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