Sorry, this is going to be long and I'm quite prepared to be told I'm a paranoid harridan, but its all very real to me at the moment.
OH works away, and has just returned from a long stint. We have 2 kids who are very pleased to see him back (as am I, most of the time), but we got into an argument about his socialising a few weeks before he returned, and it has spiralled from there. Bearing in mind that when we had been together a few years he went away for a weekend with the intention of cheating (whether he did or not is still unresolved), I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me about when he got back. The answer, of course, was no.
I'm not proud of it, but I now have an unhealthy compulsion to check up on his phone/search history, etc, knowing full well that he uses an incognito browser and is quite capable of deleting anything at any time. Following a conversation about me needing reassurance because I'm obv still doubting over the weekend incident (which was many years ago), he told me that at that point he took a condom away with him because he didn't think the sex was very good at the time and thought he might get lucky, although he didn't pursue anyone and in fact didn't cheat in the end. I was hurt by this, as he hadn't mentioned anything at the time. So why wouldn't he do it again? For eg, after our first kid? Apparently, then he realised he was being selfish, and is now a changed person.
What worries me:
- his search history shows a search for tinder (yes, THAT one) at 3.30am, following a boozy party. He can't explain it, as he 'doesn't remember doing it'. The next day he had a story about being told someone he works with being on it, so maybe he checked because of that? When I told him I had 'found something' he thought it was 'scantily clad ladies'....which I actually haven't found.
- in a convo about what he did look at while away, he was really angry and adamant he wasn't going to show me. He did in the end but if he had told me the day before that he was going to be open and honest, why did he only show me after serious pushing? (it was gonewild on reddit, not the worst I could imagine!)
- he has a history of having one good female friendship wherever he works. The other evening a girl he works with messaged him at home ranting about a work colleague. The conversation continued with my input, though he said he didn't want to encourage her. While away they had a few long messaged convos, including her sending him pics of her cocktails (WTF?) and telling him she needed a massage. She also stole a pint glass he had admired at a bar, and left it in his room for him.
- the data usage on his phone shows data being used at odd times in the early morning or when we are asleep (?), he can't explain it, reckons its apps updating, although my phone doesnt update at that time, and I've never noticed it before. Not sure what to think about that.
- he had a new, private password on instagram (installed while away), which he 'couldn't remember' when asked. (We generally have the same shared group of passwords for stuff like that.)
- had an argument last night about the data usage, he told me to fuck off, as in somewhere else.
- pretty paranoid now that he's planning on leaving. And posting for advice on MN (!) I've compromised on life to let him get to the damn good position he's in. I'll have and be nothing if we split.
- don't really want to split up, but can't stand feeling like this, all he says is I can only trust him. I know he's going to be away again and I'm not sure if I can do this all over again.
What would you think? (He thinks no-one else would be worried about this stuff.) Any advice, please?
