Told the DC 😢

[Attheendofmytether1]

So after two weeks of him tooing and froing, I finally bit the bullet and asked husband to go. He had said he didn't love me anymore and wanted to leave eventually but live under the same roof short term.
When I refused this them he said he would find somewhere else to stay.
He is staying with his Aunt but wanted to be here until kids go to bed and pretend to them he was living here.
I refused and said if he would tell the DC then I would. He is furious. Kids are ok, up and down as expected, he was weeping and crying and saying he wished this wasn't happening to them. He says I am a 'disgrace' for telling them before he was ready. DC are 12, 10, 8 and 4, so knew something was up and were asking questions. I'm relieved they know but feel terrible that it has come to this.
How do I move on. I've been with him since I was 15 and I'm now a 39 single mother of 4.

[mineofuselessinformation]

You will move on, in time, when you are ready.
As for him telling you he wasn't ready to tell dc, well, that's just him wanting to carry on living there because it's easier.
You've done the right thing.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you. I appreciate that. I feel awful but I feel it enables us to move on and not be stuck in limbo. I'm sure i will be seen as the bad one for telling them but I can deal with that.

[queenofthepirates]

It would be nice to move at his pace but there's five other people who have a say in this too. You did the right thing and I wish you well.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you so much.

[Mycatsabastard]

Ah what he wanted was the benefits of having a wife and children to come home to but also being free to do whatever he wanted. Knowing you were there taking care of the dc and cooking and cleaning and doing the washing etc.

You've basically forced him to stand on his own two feet and that's what he's angry about. Tough. He decided the relationship was over and it was better for you for him to leave.

Make sure he's paying maintenance and don't let him force you into decisions you aren't ready to make or into agreements that aren't fair just because he wants them.

You can move forward and you will. You will actually find life settles into a new rhythm and pattern pretty quickly with you and the dc alone and there's some feeling of freedom to eat what you want, when you want etc now you don't need to consider him.

Also change some things about in your bedroom, living room, clear his stuff out and make those rooms YOURS. It's quite liberating!

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you. I know I've don't the right thing. He told me not to txt unless it was an emergency and yet he's just text asking about kids .
I was polite and business like and when he asked if I needed my 'help' after work tomorrow, I replied no and he asked if He had offended me?!? Um nope I'm just trying to keep it unemotional.
I've made clay models with the DC tonight and have arranged things to look forward to.

[SandyY2K]

He's annoyed that you had the strength not be be used or kept dangling.

It's hard, but you're doing great. He's amazed you aren't falling to pieces. Well he better get used to the fact that the world doesn't revolve around him.

He has some nerve calling you a disgrace. That's his guilty conscience eating away at him.

You got this girl.

[user1466803045]

Well done for being and continuing to be strong :-)

[1DAD2KIDS]

I can understand you taking the initiative and in my opinion it is the best course of action long run. But your kids are a joint venture and it is a shame that would could not have spent a bit of time exploring a course of action that both of you were happy with. I am sure he is concerned about them and although I believe is method to be the wrong one I can understand his up set at this being dropped on the kids without him being in on board too. But it is a difficult time for you and him and we often can only do the best we can. So fair play, your saying strong and doing the best you can.

As for mycatsabastard you seem to be jumping to some big conclusions about this man concidering we know so little about him as a person. I hope you not part of the all men are bastards brigade?

[Costacoffeeplease]

Well done, who does he think he is, calling all the shots and everything being done for his convenience - fuck that for a game of soldiers

What a shame his cosy little plan isn't working out quite the way he thought it would

You sound really strong and determined, and are definitely doing the right thing

[Baconyum]

1dad some of us are aware of more of the history. Iirc he's a serial cheat and has been messing op about wrt whether he's leaving or not (very cruel). Also iirc he wanted the dc to only hear his version of events

I think you've done right thing too op again iirc the kids were getting anxious and confused better they know what's happening.

[Allalonenow]

Well done you, it's better to let the children know what is going on, even though it's harder and painful.
And of course this is why he didn't want to tell them, but wanted to keep a sham going, because it is painful, and it shows them what a crap Dad he is and how much he has let them down.
Now that they know, he will have to face this truth about himself and his actions, and face up to his own failure.

You sound sensible and strong, concentrate on the practical things for now, that will help you get through the turmoil of these early weeks. Be prepared to discover a lot of surprises about him in the coming weeks, not least how quickly he will start to blame you for his own failings eg telling you you are a disgrace!

KOKO

[Oddsocksgalore]

Your children will be fine op, as will you.

Very soon you will be happy to have done this if your heart wasn't on it anymore.

[Oddsocksgalore]

In it.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

He's annoyed because you weren't supposed to do this.
You were supposed to be sobbing and begging him to stay (which you may well have done, if you did, you've stopped too quickly for his liking), you were definitely supposed to need his help with the dc every night because you shouldn't be able to cope.

You can.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you everyone.
1dad, sorry you don't know the history but this 'dad' has been not much of a dad for five years. Yes he provides and was physically present but he spent his time, shouting at his Xbox, sulking and asking kids to give him space.
He is on self destruct and yes he is pissed that he does not get to leave on his terms and 'pretend' he is the perfect father.
He has spent the last two weeks leaving the house to 'get space' with little regard to his DC's feelings.
I could use some time to fall apart, 1dad, but I HAVE to carry on. I can't skulk off and lick my wounds. I have four DC relying on me full time, not just when it suits.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Oh and just to clarify, my heart was most definitely IN the relationship. I was willing to let him sort himself out and support him, but he has worn me out and told me he didn't want to try to make it work, that he didn't want to sleep on the couch or in my bed and that he only loved me as a friend.
I've heard a lot of cruel things from him the past few weeks and he wanted to leave just not tell the DC in the short term.
To me that was unsustainable as of course I'm upset and would struggle to hide it from the DC.
To me his resistance in telling them was more to do with his ie saving face than the sa I got of their feelings and this is no 'all men are bastards' thread. I've put up with at least 3 infidelities of one sort or other that I know of and a shitload of blaming me for his shortfallings.

[pallasathena]

You don't have to explain yourself o/p. By confronting things as you have, you've proved who is the grown-up in the relationship and its good that you've asserted yourself in the way that you have. No one can continue living the way you have had to but it seems your ex thinks he can call all the shots regardless. He appears to be clueless as to all the hurt he's caused.
You've put the kids first which is the number one priority. If others can't see that then that's their problem.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thank you. I needed that. Feeling very bruised and battered this afternoon.

[mickyblueyes]

In your original post you wrote:-

"I refused and said if he wouldtell the DC then I would."

should that be...

"I refused and said if he wouldn't tell the DC then I would."

If so then I would say you were well within your rights to tell your kids, he's obviously bottled that one!

[Attheendofmytether1]

Yes it was a typo

[Attheendofmytether1]

Am sitting in the kitchen cos I can't bear to look at him sitting in my living room. He has been here since 4.30 and is obviously staying till the kids go to bed.
This is torture. I like that he wants to be with the kids but it's breaking my heart that he's not interested in me.
I'm shattered but can't sleep incase I dream about him and dread waking up.
I'm doing my best to put s brave face on for the kids but truth be told I'm crumbling.
I'm hungry but don't want to eat and I have a gastric ulcer which is agony today.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

No he doesn't get to leave then come back every day.
He can pick them up at the door and take them out next time.

You don't have to facilitate this

[Allalonenow]

Now that he has left, you do not have to have him back in the house to play happy families with the children.
It is now up to him to find places where he can take them to spend time with them. It's not your job to facilitate this for him.

Next time he asks about seeing them, tell him you will have them ready for him to take out. Don't let him in the house, shut the door on him while he waits for them.

It's time to play hard ball, because it seems to me he is doing this deliberately to upset you.
(also i'm not a medic, but isn't the advice with an ulcer to eat small but regular meals?) Have they mentioned that your ulcer could have been caused by stress? If so, another reason to get rid of him.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Thanks, yes the ulcer is at least made worse by stress and I should be trying to eat little and often.
I know I have to get hard with him. Its just so bloody hard when my DC just want to be in their own home with their own things.
He sat in a chair all yesterday and they did their own thing. It's not like he's spending quality time with them.