Is he taking the pi££ financially?

[Nofoolnomore]

Hi, please can I have your opinion on this?

I've been with my bf for nearly four years - we have separate homes. I'm lucky enough to live in a home owned by family (after being made homeless due to repossession of family home when ex husband left us). He spends 12 out of 14 nights at mine (as I have three dogs) and pays for our evening dinners (he has ready meals whilst I prefer salad). I stopped cooking dinners because he wasn't reciprocating enough.

He earns good money - I'm estimating 35k gross and pays rent and maintenance for his daughter. I work very part time hours in retail whilst doing a part time degree (which I can only afford to do due to dwindling divorce settlement). I obviously pay all my bills.

He has paid for three holidays for us which I really appreciated. He used to be really tight and would happily accept me paying for meals out until I got fed up and one day snapped telling him he was tight. The result of our talk (after he had an angry strop and hid in his man cave)and me explaining in simple terms our difference in incomes, and I wasn't his pal/mate but girl friend, he now offers to pay for the cinema (ensuring student discount) and has been better at buying groceries. When we have a mooch around the shops, he never buys himself anything as he isn't interested in clothes or technology etc. He never offers to buy me anything but would feel greedy expecting things like clothes or make up. We very rarely go out for meals/drinks/theatre etc and I don't feel I can suggest these as I can't justify spending the money that is needed for bills. I can now suggest the cinema without feeling greedy. We spend our evening dog walking if the weather is fine then snuggled on the sofa (which is nice...). He washes up every night, mows the lawn and has done things like fixed the shower. He showers after work and does his washing at his home. We go out in his car on (free/cheap) days out at the weekend to save my petrol.

He is a dependable, loving, trustworthy and faithful man so has a lot of the qualities most of us look for.

Do you think the above is right and proper or is he taking the piss out of me/my home?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[HuskyLover1]

No, I don't think he is taking the piss. Quite the reverse actually. What makes you think so?

You can't expect him to pay half of your bills, when he is running his own home. If he moved in with you, then that would be a different story.

He pays for your holidays. He pays for groceries. He is doing maintenance on your home. He is supporting a child.

You have no mortgage or rent, so you are quite fortunate in that regard.

I just can't see any reason why you'd be unhappy with the set up.

And I am just wondering why you didn't pay for your own holidays?

[bibliomania]

How's he taking the piss? Do you expect him to pay you for the privilege of having you as a girlfriend? I can't see how you're out of pocket as a result of the relationship.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

You can't suggest nights out and expect him to foot the bill!

[gamerchick]

Do you want to be wined and dined and spoiled? Do you buy him things?

I can't see much wrong with your list or if you have a gripe. Do you want the relationship move to the next level? Is that what's wrong?

[Somerville]

I can't tell how he's taking the piss. But it sounds like this set up doesn't suit you. And that's okay. It's good to work incompatibilities out before you make any bigger commitments.
This wouldn't suit me, either, FWIW. I would want to be with someone who, like me, enjoys things like eating out and going out dancing enough to be prepared to pay to do them.

[Diddlydokey]

No, he isn't. He is paying his way.

£35k brings home around £2k a month so not a huge sum when he's paying rent etc.

[expatinscotland]

'He never offers to buy me anything but would feel greedy expecting things like clothes or make up. We very rarely go out for meals/drinks/theatre etc and I don't feel I can suggest these as I can't justify spending the money that is needed for bills. I can now suggest the cinema without feeling greedy. '

So you want him to buy you gifts and pay for you to be his girlfriend (which he already does, 3 holidays)? You stopped cooking for him because it didn't tab up when you point scored.

If anything you sound like you're taking the piss. It's your choice to not work much and only study part time whilst blowing through your divorce settlement, why should you expect someone else to fund outings at your suggestion?

[Nofoolnomore]

Thanks for your replies.

I'm ok with it all but my friends think he is taking the piss as their view is he virtually lives at mine therefore should pay towards the bills.

I think the main thing I've learnt is - don't believe/take to heart everything my friends say.

Many thanks!

[expatinscotland]

'I would want to be with someone who, like me, enjoys things like eating out and going out dancing enough to be prepared to pay to do them.'

So you want a sugar daddy?

Sounds like this guy doesn't want to do stuff like this even on his own or buy himself stuff. But he should be expected to stump up for him and his girlfriend because she choses not to work much.

[Amaia10]

Hi nofool - I can see where you're coming from, as your arrangement probably makes you feel like mates in a way and after 4 years you may be wondering where it's all going if it continues like this. Especially as he stays over at your place so much. I don't think he's doing anything wrong as such though. It's not as if you're cooking for him or doing his laundry while he treats your house like a hotel. I agree that there would be no harm in him taking you on date every so often though and paying for it - is it the money or just that he's comfortable with how things are?

[GirlOverboard]

He pays for your holidays, he pays for every evening meal when he stays over at yours, and you get pissed off because he allows you to pick up the occasional restaurant bill? It sounds like he's more than paying his way to me. And the gap in income is irrelevant. You should pick days/evenings out that you can afford and then go 50/50 with him. From your OP it doesn't sound like you want equality, it sounds like you want him to pick up the tab every time.

[Somerville]

So you want a sugar daddy?

Ummm, no, expat. Maybe I phrased it clumsily. I said "...who, like me enjoys (x and y) enough to be prepared to pay for them."

As in, I pay to do those things and I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with someone who didn't want to. Leaving us staying in every evening, or me paying for them all.

FWIW my boyfriend and I take it in turns paying for evenings out.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Op wants to x and y without paying for them though.

[expatinscotland]

The thing is, the OP cannot afford these evenings out because she choses not to work much, but thinks the boyfriend should pay for it (and buy her clothes and makeup when he doesn't ever buy himself anything). She has friends who tell her she should ding him up for bills when he doesn't really run them up (he does his laundry at home, showers at work, nukes his ready meal in the microwave) and he does all the washing up, mows the lawn, does DIY.

[Somerville]

She's doing a part-time degree.

I read that as her wanting more than she has now (perhaps in terms of a social life), and when she has a degree-level full time job she will be able to afford that. Her boyfriend may not want to start going halves on nights out at that point; it sounds like he prefers staying in to spending money. That wouldn't suit me, and I wondered if it were behind the OP's unease. She's since clarified that her friend's remarks were actually behind her unease.

[category12]

If in the past you think he's been tight and have had to call him on it before, but he has responded by doing better, that's positive, surely? But being frugal and/or a homebody might be his natural state. In which case, if you want nights out and shopping sprees with an enthusiastic partner, you may not be a match (I want to be clear that I don't think he should be subbing that lifestyle for you).

Long-term if that's the sort of thing you enjoy, you're probably not going to get it with him.

[Nofoolnomore]

I must clarify - I do not want a sugar daddy
I do not expect to wined and dined.

I probably haven't done myself any favours by not explaining why I work so few hours. I have had a son with mental health issues who has been hospitalised and now estranged from me due to him and his father blaming me for these and a daughter whose physical and verbal abuse (backed up by their father) necessitated in her deciding not to live with me. As a result I have felt rather depressed and found it hard to manage my hours and hold down the uni course.

Also, I do a lot for my bf including baking cakes for him to have with his lunch, I make desserts for us and have bought meals, items of clothing and paid for the cinema lots of times.

I find it humiliating not being able to earn much money atm but have persevered re work and uni in the hope I'll finally be able to earn a decent salary.

[expatinscotland]

He does a lot for you, too, from the sounds of it. So no I don't think he is taking the piss financially. Sounds like you are keeping score of it all, too.

[ImperialBlether]

Do you feel that if wasn't there all that time that you'd have more money, eg lower bills?

Does his staying with you mean you can't claim tax credits etc?

[RedMapleLeaf]

IT sounds as though life is pretty tough for you right now but that's a separate issue. As is baking cakes.

[ImperialBlether]

Why on earth are you baking things for his lunch? Maybe do that once a month if you enjoy it but regularly is a bit daft.

I'm sorry you're estranged from your children. That must be really hard for you.

[ImperialBlether]

Are you getting help with your depression? It sounds as though you could do with a really good counsellor.

[Gazelda]

It sounds as though you've been through a tough time. Have you come to terms with your estrangement from your DS and your DD not living with you? I can understand you feeling quite low and not as mentally resilient as you'd like.
But I don't think your BF is taking the piss financially. Perhaps you'd find it easier to feel less resentful if you and he had an agreement over what each of you contribute (financially) to the relationship? It sounds as though you've been avoiding the discussion until now.
You don't live together, so don't 'owe' each other anything, but some expectations of what each of you see as a fair contribution towards joint expenses would be a reasonable discussion.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

How on earth is he taking the piss? He pays rent and supports his child, cooks for you, cleans, pays for dinner, does DIY, pays for things like the cinema occasionally.

What else do you want from him? If you want to do nice things, you need to be ready and able to pay for them, or you work to your budget. You can haven great nights out for very little money if you budget properly and look for bargains.

[LaurieLemons]

Why on earth is he still paying his rent, bills etc. When he spends 12 out of 14 nights at yours? Why not just move in together? Seems like a huge waste of money