Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Really confused...

(45 Posts)
Beccacats1991 Wed 29-Jun-16 08:48:13

I'll explain my whole story -

I met my current partner online on plenty of fish 2 years ago. In the beginning I feel this is where the problems started-

His ex began to message me and began to stop my partner from seeing his little boy unless he split up with me :/ which he did a few times and then he told her that I don't mean anything to him which obviously upset me and made me cross. In the beginning I was really fun loving, bubbley and full of confidence but his ex has always been giving me abuse saying I intimidate her and stuff when I've never ever spoken to her or been around her...I tried to talk to him about how upset I was about the fact he told her I didn't mean anything to him and he said I need to get over it because his son comes first not me so I thought nothing of it but every time we argue now he threatens to leave me, grab a hold of my wrists and sometimes pushes me around and has even bruised me all over my legs and all over my arms.

I thought to myself after all this bad treatment I will check if he is cheating on me so I went through his phone (my bad) and found nothing but then I went into his history and he was searching for brothels :,( I asked him about this and he shouted at me and grabbed hold of me and shook me violently and said that he only searched that so he didn't park in an area where there was one as a truck driver and works away and he's only home 2 nights a week which obviously upset me...

He also also given me as STD/STI which is HPV and I don't know how or why really. He lied to me about how many sexually partners he had because he felt it was non of my business which is fine but it's the actually lying which I don't like.

But also every time I question something he threatens to leave me, threatens to hit me or actually does put his hands on me but I know he's sorry for that but I'm just so confused and don't know where I stand :,( to be honest I feel like a housewife who he comes home to and I do everything for him like a slave and if it's not done properly I get shouted at but I also work part time but he under minds me saying I only work 4 hours a day so I can't be that tired...

Another thing is my dad died last year and it's totally messed my head up and 2months after it happened I was still devasted and I will never get over it but he asked me why I was upset 2months after my dad passed and I told him why and he said 'you need to get over it' in a nasty way and went on to say that he was over his grandma and grandad dying the same week my dad did....

Now I'm at a loss and feel very confused he's ending the relationship with me on a daily basis and listen to this after a few hours of a few days with no contact he will ring me like nothing has happened like 'hey babe u ok' and I'll say something like no you broke up with me and he will say 'well you need to move on from it and stop living in the past' I remember one time when I asked him what he thought of me and he said 'well your not the best really' and I asked him what he meant and he said 'your like a pair of jeans with holes in not the best but you'll do' which broke my heart and I still can't get over it :,( also when we got engaged it wasn't very good and I have to lie when people ask me how he did it... I kept talking about getting married cos I'm an old romantic which he was getting angry about and violent...one day he took me to a jewellery shop to buy a new necklace cos mine broke and I picked a ring instead a cheap one bearing in mind and I didn't really like it but was thinking about and later on we went out which I paid for for a pub meal and I was talking about weddings again as my mum just got married and he got cross in the pub and started raising his voice and it was embarrassing :,( after it went quiet he said pass me the ring so I can look at it and he twiddled with it in his fingers twisting it around and he said 'I don't know if I really want to do this but do u want to get married' no hand on one foot or kneeling down and I felt devastated that he just proposed to me like I was a peice of crap :,( and he's been treating me v

:,( he has made me feel so insecure and depressed that I don't know if he wants to be with me or he is staying just for now. He's breaking up and coming back regular and I'm so scared that I'm going to end up homeless with my daughter :,(

Beccacats1991 Wed 29-Jun-16 08:52:31

I was not finished the thread before it posted and not sure how to edit it but the in finished bit was 'he's been treating me very badly and I feel so confused and don't know what to do' I love him so so much :,( but every time I try to talk to him he tells me to get over stuff and move on otherwise he is leaving and he has also asked me to move away from my family so he can be closer to work and if I don't do it within the next next it's over :,( help help help please :,(

EBearhug Wed 29-Jun-16 08:59:53

You can end the confusion by not letting him be with you. He's violent, he undermines you, he doesn't show you respect or appreciation, he makes you feel like shit, he's given you an STI, he's seeing prostitutes. This is really not a good relationship for you to be in, and it's giving your daughter a terrible example of adult relationships. Do what's best for all of you, keep your daughter and yourself safe and LTB.

EBearhug Wed 29-Jun-16 09:01:06

And do not move away from your family - that will make you isolated, give him more control and things will get a lot, lot worse.

DeathStare Wed 29-Jun-16 09:03:20

This man is abusive. The longer you stay with him, the more damage is being done to both yourself and you daughter.

Please please phone Women's Aid

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Jun-16 09:05:37

WTF!??
Womens Aid - call them immediately. 0808 2000 247
You've learnt some seriously damaging lessons in your upbringing to put with even a tiny amount of what this feckin' abusive asshole is doing to your and your DC!!!
Get away.
Seriously. Womens Aid - right now!!!!!

coffeetasteslikeshit Wed 29-Jun-16 09:12:08

Why do you love him?? He sounds fucking awful. I agree, ring Women's Aid and get away from him before he gets really violent.

HotNatured Wed 29-Jun-16 12:39:03

Omg pls leave this disgusting excuse for a man immediately.

Nivea101 Wed 29-Jun-16 12:45:03

Dear God love, get out now while you can. You sound very young is this your first relationship? It's not supposed to be like this you know. Have you no friends or family you can talk to?

candybar007 Wed 29-Jun-16 14:15:26

As said Get Out ASAP

springydaffs Wed 29-Jun-16 15:30:51

GET OUT.

Beccacats1991 Wed 29-Jun-16 15:52:27

No this is my 4th serious relationship and I've been married once before to a guy who cheated on me 4 times.

I know y'all say leave but I love him and when he's in a good mood everything is amazing it really is xx

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Jun-16 15:57:41

he has made me feel so insecure and depressed
This statement that YOU made contradicts entirely your last post.
Get out get out get out get out.
You do NOT love him.
He's fucking vile to you.
You love the person he pretends to be when he's been Mr Nice guy to keep you in line.
The real him is the nasty abusive person you wrote about... at length!!!
And your poor poor DC in all this.
She has no say and this is so so unfair on her!
Womens Aid and Shelter will ensure you are not homeless.
Dear lord - just get out!

Nivea101 Wed 29-Jun-16 16:40:13

You've got bruises all over your arms and legs, is that from the amazing wild sex you have together or is he hitting you?

He is violent, abusive and has give you an STD.

Now read that back as if this was your daughter we were talking about, would your want your DD to be with a man like this?

If I was your mother I would be appalled that my daughter had so little self esteem that she thought all of the above was OK.

Leave.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 29-Jun-16 16:45:44

You love him. So what?

He hurts you, physically and mentally.

You have to leave.

Whether you love him or not doesn't really come into it.

Why do you think being in love means he can hurt you?

smilingeyes11 Wed 29-Jun-16 16:52:30

bloody hell - this cannot be true??

Women's Aid and police too. How on earth you can love this monster is beyond me. And you need counselling and the freedom programme yesterday.

Beccacats1991 Wed 29-Jun-16 17:09:28

My daughter never sees this as my partner is only home at weekends and my daughter sees her dad at weekends so she's not here anyway

Nivea101 Wed 29-Jun-16 17:13:14

How would you feel if your daughter had a boyfriend like this Becca ?

Beccacats1991 Wed 29-Jun-16 17:15:23

I would kill him to be honest. But my daughter isn't ugly or large like I am. I can't help but feel like your all against me rather than for me but I guess that's the way I feel right now and what did I expect you all to say really :,(

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 29-Jun-16 17:24:39

What do you get out of this relationship, you get something from it so what is it?

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you? Is this what your late dad would have wanted for you and his grandchild?.

Ah that old chestnut, but I love him. I do not think you know the meaning of the word love, no-one probably ever showed you what a loving relationship is and what you have now is not a loving relationship at all. You are likely mistaking love for co-dependency. Its abusive through and through and he thinks you're an utter mug, he really does think that little of you. I have no doubt at all that you were actively targeted by him; he saw something in you that he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends. Abusers like this man you are currently shackled to are not abusive all the time, if they were no woman would want to be with them. You are really in the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that cycle is a continuous one.

He will put you in hospital if not the mortuary eventually.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships? What is she learning here; she is seeing that her mother has changed and not for the better. If your DD ended up with someone as violent as this man is what would you say?. The words "sorry I lumbered you with this abusive man" is not going to at all cut it.

You cannot love someone like him better.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 29-Jun-16 17:28:48

"But my daughter isn't ugly or large like I am"

Where has that destructive mindset come from; this individual you are currently with?. I would think you are actually neither but you think you are and he has done a right number on you to get you to such a low point in your life.

All your words are those of an abused woman right down to the feeling that we are all against you (you perhaps think that its you and he against the world). We are not acting against you, he is the one who is carrying out his own private war against you. Such men also hate women, all of them.

Rarity75 Wed 29-Jun-16 17:28:57

Your self esteem is on your boots. You need some therapy/counselling to understand why you love some one who treats you like shit.
He is nice to me sometimes but mostly hits me and is verbally abisive is an incredibly sad situation.
No one is being unkind. They are worried that you are living in a vile situation and can't see that the problem lies with him not with you.
I wish you all the best, I don't think you are ready to think about a life without this man.
But please look into some counselling to help you find yourself flowers

Rarity75 Wed 29-Jun-16 17:31:34

Sorry for the typos blush

He won't change you know. He is showing you who he is. Listen and ask yourself if that is what you want your life to be.

Think about your DD in all of this too. She may not be there when he is being abusive but the effects will change you and she will see that.

smilingeyes11 Wed 29-Jun-16 17:32:56

If we were against you we would tell you to stay with him. I would suggest you see a doctor pronto. Do you have any bruising from him now?

We are on your side. And I can guarantee you are not large or ugly. But even if you were, you still would never, ever deserve such treatment.

ptumbi Wed 29-Jun-16 17:41:24

'I love him' Sorry Becca, he doesn't love you. or even like you. He 'puts up with you', and you let him. He stays with you because he's got nothing else. He's a violent, abusive, demeaning piece of shit, and no one else would let him anywhere near them.

But my daughter isn't ugly or large like I am. - you are still worthy of love, and respect, and a good place to start - is with you! YOU ARE WORTHY OF RESPECT! YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE! Start loving yourself, and respecting yourself.

Get rid of the shite. Next time he leaves, make him STAY GONE!

What is your housing situation? Do you rent? In whose name?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now