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confused and not sure what to do

(11 Posts)
Lalaland123 Mon 27-Jun-16 18:49:51

Hello,
My name is Ashley and I am new to this form. I am 29 years old. I just found out yesterday that I am pregnant. In a 7 min span I was nervous but then became happy I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend he had no emotion really towards what was happening. All he did was hug me and say "we will figure out what to do after you go to the doctor and see if you really are pregnant" after taking 3 tests I'm pretty sure I don't need a doctor telling me I am. well later that night I asked him what he was leaning towards and he said abortion. That really upset me, but he is right. I just got a job that doesn't make much and he has a job that can barely afford the both of us. I don't want to have a child with a man who is not excited about him or her or that I can't afford... But I kind of want this. It just doesn't seem practical right now I guess? I can't help but feel I will not like him anymore if I get an abortion or if we have the child we will spilt up. Our relationship isn't the best, but we make it work. Has anyone been in this situation? Does anyone have good advice?

Flacidunicorn Mon 27-Jun-16 18:54:03

Here's some advice, leave BF.
Our relationship isn't the best, but we make it work.

You shouldn't be with someone that isn't making your life better by being with them.

Then you decide of you want the baby or not. It is your body not his and ultimately its up to you.

Lalaland123 Mon 27-Jun-16 18:55:43

Well what I mean is that our relationship isn't perfect. We don't fight we just don't agree a lot and I don't know if that is good or bad?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 27-Jun-16 18:58:51

Assume that the relationship is over. As you said yourself, this situation will end it one way or the other.

Then decide what you want to do, given that you will be a single parent to a child with a reluctant father. Only you can decide if that is what you want.

MagnifiMad Mon 27-Jun-16 19:00:23

That sound really difficult Ashely.

I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 27. I was engaged to DH at the time and planning the wedding but it was a shock nonetheless. DH was mostly, at that point, thinking he didn't want children at all. We were lucky in that abortion wasn't really something we considered so we didn't have that huge decision to make.

In some ways, the pregnancy made things easier - my family weren't massively delighted about the engagement but were thoroughly delighted about a grandchild. It probably saved us a lot of stupid headaches and possible rifts over wedding planning (sounds trivial but starting from shakey acceptance of the engagement, throw in some wedding disagreements and I think that things between my DH and my family could have become very sour at a delicate point) as we just brought the wedding forward and made it more low key.

I also feel it was about the right time for me to have a baby. However, on the negative side, OH and I didn't get as much time as we would have liked to be just us, to share our lives without the responsibility of a child. Also, it is hard not to be aware sometimes - not by his actions - that DH did not want a child at that point. We could never wish her away but we do wonder what life might have been like if we'd had a year or two more before a child.

So that's one story. Only you can decide for you.
I think that, with regards to affording things, you can muddle through. There is never an absolute right time to have a baby so waiting for that is not the best idea. However, bringing a child into a relationship where s/he is not wanted is not a good idea either. Do you think, with your boyfriend, it's shock and disbelief and he could get excited or is he just not somebody who wants children at this stage? Is he of a similar age to you?

MagnifiMad Mon 27-Jun-16 19:06:29

oh, seeing more now that I have read other responses and your own OP a few more times.

our relationship is not the best and we just don't agree a lot
No relationship is perfect, all relationships have disagreements but I think what is important is how those disagreements are dealt with (discussion and acceptance or compromise being the way forward, I guess) and what those disagreements are about - if they are about fundamental principles and beliefs, bringing up a child together might be a dangerous minefield. If they are over more trivial things and solved without bickering or arguments then it's more doable.

I can't help but feel I will not like him anymore if I get an abortion or if we have the child we will spilt up
This is hard. If you think an abortion would cause you to resent him then it's not what you want and I don't think it would be good to go along with it. As RunRabbit said, it might be most sensible to assume the relationship is over either way and base your decision on how you feel in those circumstances.

Lalaland123 Mon 27-Jun-16 19:15:38

Oh wow! Usually you hear stories where having a child makes things worse. I'm glad it made things better.

I wish I was engaged or married at this point with the man I'm with, but I am not. We are moving into a new place together where the rent is $400 than what we are paying now. No matter what he will wait to be stable with money to have a child. He grew up poor so he is borderline obsessed with making money. He is 28 and he says he wants a child with me and a future he just doesn't think it's the right time. He keeps telling me it's not fair that I won't share my opinions with him, but the reason for that is because I don't want my opinions to influence his decision making. I feel it's kind of you either want the child or you don't. I've never been pregnant, but to me I would want the child. I told him when I found out it made me happy. For him to say he'd want an abortion more than having it makes me question how he feels towards me and the relationship.

MagnifiMad Mon 27-Jun-16 19:31:29

Well, I think my pregnancy smoothed the short-term waters, Lala, and from there the long-term grew!

I think the "stable with money" thing is a tricky one. We thought we were all set and on even keel when DC2 was on the way and DH's job was eliminated a couple of weeks before my due date. I now always feel stability is a bit of an illusion though, of course, logically it seems sensible to find a balance and you don't want to be permanently skint.

I am not sure what to say about you not sharing your opinions with him. I see that you say you don't want to influence him but as a couple and potentially as co-parents, you will be needing to share your opinions and feelings and find out how to work together. There is a case for "you either want one or you don't so if you don't, it doesn't matter what I say" but if he is feeling shocked and worried, but you are feeling shocked and positive that you can have this baby and make a life, maybe he would feel encouraged too?
I don't know? I think you giving him the space to make up his own mind and express his views is admirable but he should hear yours too, now that he has said what he has said.

MagnifiMad Mon 27-Jun-16 19:42:31

Also, important to note that our relationship was good at the time of the pregnancy - the pregnancy and child did not help make a bad relationship better, rather helped us smooth over a difficult time dealing with family outside the relationship!

I don't think I can imagine having a baby making a difficult relationship easier as, wonderful as they are, babies and children mean you have less energy to give to your partner overall.

Lalaland123 Mon 27-Jun-16 20:36:20

MagnifiMad,

You are really giving me good advice and telling me about your history is helping me a lot. I am so terrified, but I am always a positive person even when it seems like I am not, I still am, sometimes I feel I'm just misunderstood. I feel like if we have this child it would be bad because he is unsure. I pretty much know my decision, but it's not one I am happy about. I will have to discuss this further with him like you said and give him my opinion about it all. We are in the car right now going to the doctor. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for hearing me out and talking to me.

HeddaGarbled Mon 27-Jun-16 21:58:25

My advice is to separate out the two issues of 1. The pregnancy and 2. The relationship. I know they are intertwined but I think you should think about them both separately.

1. The pregnancy. Do a list of pros and cons for having the baby. I know that seems cold and clinical, but your feelings will skew your lists. The obvious pro is that you are 29 and there is no guarantee that you will get pregnant again. The obvious con is your financial situation. In the UK we have organisations like the British Pregnancy Advisory Service who can help you explore your options. I'm assuming you are not UK, as you describe your rent in dollars, but there may be equivalent organisations in your country.

2. The relationship. He's right. It is deeply unfair and emotionally manipulative of you to expect him to say what he thinks/feels while you don't tell him what you think and feel. You wanted him to say he wholeheartedly wants the baby. He hasn't. You are disappointed. I understand that. But you won't get anywhere now if you refuse to have an honest and equal conversation which doesn't bode well for your chances of an honest and equal relationship in the future. Stop playing games. Time to be honest and brave.

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