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My head is wrecked - Stay or Go?

(5 Posts)
StayOrGo2016 Mon 27-Jun-16 12:44:01

Hi all,

I could really use some advice please. I have been with my D(?)H for 10 years, married 5 and we have an almost 3 year old together.

Being honest, it was never the most passionate of relationships, it was more that I found a good man at a time of my life when I felt I wanted to settle down and start a family. He really is a good man; he is kind, generous, hard working and devoted to me and our son.

However and it is a big however, our sex life is non-existant and has been for a couple of years now. It was never good really, but in the early days, at least we tried. Now, neither of us put in the effort. I don't find him attractive any more. He says he does me, but this is something I find hard to believe considering his lack of sexual attention towards me.

Late last year I told him that I was no longer happy with the relationship, we have found ourselves of living together as siblings and we are now in separate bedrooms and have been for more than 6 months. I told him I wanted to separate. He was devastated but told me that it seemed done deal on my behalf and he could only resepect my decision.

Yet, we continue to live and parent together. During the day we tick along nicely, no cross words, no anger, no anything really. We keep up a united front for the sake of our DS. When our DS goes to bed, we sit in separate rooms all evening, wish eachother goodnight and do it all again the next day. It's killing me.

The plan is for him to move out. There is a severe lack of suitable properties in our area for him to move to, but he also seemed to be dragging his heels and ignoring the situation. I guess I have too...

Last week he told me that he wanted us to stay together and he would do whatever he could to make things better. My heart sank when he said it to be honest. I feel like the biggest bitch in the world right now. He is so sad.

What can I do? I'm not in love with him any more. I care for him, I respect him and I love him in a platonic way. Is this enough? Can we come back from this? Can you force or at least encourage romantic feelings?

It's such a mess and I'm in bits today. Thank you for reading. If anyone has any advice I'd be so grateful. I don't know what to do for the best for me, for him and for my son.

StayOrGo2016 Mon 27-Jun-16 12:47:07

I have to leave now for a while in case of any replies, I'm not ignoring them! I'll check back later flowers

TheNaze73 Mon 27-Jun-16 12:48:30

I would go. The lack of sex, would be a deal clincher for me

MatildaTheCat Mon 27-Jun-16 12:58:16

Only you can answer whether it's enough but you sound very unhappy so perhaps you have your answer. It seems like he is never going to be the one to push this through so you will have to be the driving force if you separate and divorce.

This sounds like death from a thousand tiny cuts and very painful for you both. In your place I would tell him firmly it's over and then make a timetable for action. I would also see a family lawyer and sort out my finances.

Good luck.

StayOrGo2016 Mon 27-Jun-16 14:42:48

Thank you both for your replies.

Yes, Matilda, I am very unhappy. As is he. I've had my heart broken in the past and I can honestly say I'd rather be the dumpee than the dumper.

I read another thread on here about marriages that weren't bad, but not good enough to stay and that pretty much sums up my situation. He hasn't done anything wrong. We are essentially very different people. He would be happy to never go out again. I on the other hand, since turning 40, seem to have become more interested in getting out there and living my life. The thought of living like this for decades fills me with sadness. As does breaking our family apart. Then there's the added complication of my very traditional family who will not take this well. I will be the first in my immediate and extended family to separate. Lead and balloon spring to mind.

Oh, it's such a fucking nightmare, all of it. Has anyone ever lost the spark and been able to get it back again? Or am I flogging a dead horse here?

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