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ex using money to cut time with child

(40 Posts)
meanex Mon 27-Jun-16 11:49:23

Have nc for this as frightened of outing myself.

Ex and I split 3 years ago. I was in a really bad place at time of split, have history of depression and self harm, self harming had got out of control mainly due to being so unhappy with ex.

Because he didn't trust my menus health, ex took me to court for ds. They decided test he should have residency and I should have contact.

It's been that way since. I've steadily increased my contact since, by improving myself then going back to court and obtaining more time. Nowadays I probably have more waking time with ds than ex but because ds school is literally feet away from where ex lives ds still spends more overnights with him than me. I think it works out I have him 10 nights and ex has him 20.

I give ex money for maintenance. I have a low paying job so I give him 140 a month.

In Jan ex told me that he was going on holiday in June for 2 weeks. He asked me to have ds for these weeks and of course I was happy to, I was so looking forward to it.

For the month of June, I reduced his payment by 50 pounds because ds was going to be with me more nights than with ex. I still gave him 100.

2 days before ex was due to leave he told me he wasn't going on holiday after all. He refused to still let me take ds and demanded the 50 pounds. He blackmailed me saying that he would go to court again and reduce my time if I didn't give him the money. I had a few extra nights arranged with ds in the summer hols and now he's cancelled all of them.

I'm confused and don't know if I'm being U.

meanex Mon 27-Jun-16 18:05:30

No advice? blush

smileyhappypeople Mon 27-Jun-16 18:08:59

Yanbu he is an arse and is using your son to hurt you!
My sister does this to her ex and I think it's awful!
Sorry I don't really have any advice but didn't want you to think nobody cares!
Can you not go back to court or mediation or something?

CrazyDuchess Mon 27-Jun-16 18:10:16

I am sorry but I think you was unreasonable to reduce payments because of the holidays - did you even agree with him to do so?

I do not agree though that cash = access and so your ex is in the wrong in that case.

I think you need to try and have a sit down and see if you can agree a way forward where you get the contact and holiday time and find the best way forward for the child.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 27-Jun-16 18:15:12

I would be really cross if my ex reduced payments for holidays. He did try once and I was so angry. It doesn't work like that, it is not pay per view, so in some ways you are both wrong.
I understand it must be hard, personally I would try to build some kind of civility with him so that you can sit down and talk about it properly

Cabrinha Mon 27-Jun-16 18:16:21

It's not clear whether you agreed the reduction in maintenance.
If he didn't agree to it, it wasn't right to do it. You cannot just reduce it - maintenance is not a daily rate for a child it's the ongoing cost of maintaining them, including their home.

He was completely morally wrong to cancel the 2 weeks though.

I suggest you go back to court and agree two things:
- holiday time
- agreement between the two of you on what happens with variations to the schedule - e.g. once agreed no changes, or no changes within a fortnight.

I'm sorry you didn't get the time with your son.

Cabrinha Mon 27-Jun-16 18:19:08

He's being a total arsehole with the court threat though, and you should call his bluff.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 27-Jun-16 18:21:38

It sounds like a bad case of mistrust and miscommunication to me

VoyageOfDad Mon 27-Jun-16 18:22:25

It depends if you agreed to the reduction in CM or not.

It sounds a bit tit-for-tat.

He's unhappy you've reduced payment so cancelled the holiday.

I can guess it's a struggle if you're on a low wage, but personally I wouldn't tell my XP I was reducing CM in the holidays because I have did for weeks.

Arfarfanarf Mon 27-Jun-16 18:30:14

It's out of order to piss about with maintenance.
If you were posting that your ex had done this my god the posts would be calling him all kinds of arsehole!

If you want the arrangements to change then take it through the court. The parent who maintains the child's main home really does need to have the non residents contribution to the roof over the child's head, the heat, light, water and thousand other expenses i could list not be slashed because the other parent decides theyve had the kid too often.

If you want to address either custody or maintenance then get it done formally.

notjusttheirmum Mon 27-Jun-16 20:48:51

I don't think you were unreasonable at all to reduce payments!
Your paying DC's main carer to help provide for your child through the week when you are not there. If the child is in your care for a week then you are responsible for that care and therefore need to fund it.
Maybe your ex should stop relying on payments and become more self sufficient, maintenance is for the child and if the child is not in the care of the maintenance receiver then no maintenance is needed.

CrazyDuchess Mon 27-Jun-16 20:51:36

notjust surely she should have discussed it before changing payments - she at least owed him that courtesy???

BeckyMcDonald Mon 27-Jun-16 20:56:04

he still had his mortgage and bills to pay while he was on holiday. Those things don't just stop because he is away. YABU to reduce the amount you paid and of also be mightily pissed off if I were him

TutanKaDashian Mon 27-Jun-16 20:59:17

You still have to pay him the full amount OP. Just because you temporarily have him for a few extra nights it doesn't make any difference. Your ex still has all the extra bills to pay such as rent on a two bed place, higher electricity costs. The costs don't stop because he's away for a while. I think you're being tight and if you were a man, you'd have been flamed on here.

SandyY2K Mon 27-Jun-16 21:05:12

I suggest you go back to court to get your time increased as you're now stable. The £40 reduction probably ticked him off, hence the change in attitude.

You can just go back to your 10/20 arrangement or seek legal advice.

KittyLaRoux Mon 27-Jun-16 21:12:11

Why do people reduce children to a monetary amount?

Why not just say to the ex "can I give you £50 less this month as I would like to treat Ds to some extra day trips for the weeks I have him"

To just stop the money is wrong. Most resident parents will rely on that set amount to pay a direct debit that is due or food for the week. To just stop it can cause a knock on affect.

YABU.

notjusttheirmum Mon 27-Jun-16 21:13:08

Crazy absolutely should of had the conversation first and not just done it I fully agree
But I do understand why it was done and am sure if payments were arranged through CSA/CMA they would agree to paying less due to paying parent having increased over night stays, maybe communication should of been a lot better in regards to maintenance payments when child is staying with paying parent

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 27-Jun-16 21:16:17

You don't get to reduce child support just because your is going on holiday for two weeks! He still has the same bills to pay (electricity, gas etc. are normally on direct debit and don't change just because you're on holiday for a while).

Lack of child support shouldn't mean no contact, though. Children aren't pay-per-view.

KittyLaRoux Mon 27-Jun-16 21:23:22

Oh and just to point out OP raising a child costs way more than £150 per month. You should bare that in mind next time you want to cut the money.

CrazyDuchess Mon 27-Jun-16 21:42:05

I think a lot of this grief could have been saved with better communication and doing things prooerly/formally.

meanex Mon 27-Jun-16 21:49:52

Think you've not read the part about me having more waking time with ds. I give him his dinner and bath 5 times a week. He mainly just sleeps at ex. Don't think he's costing him much when he's asleep. I do my fair share and spend a lot of money on ds every month.

The issue is him using money to keep ds from me .

Myusernameismyusername Mon 27-Jun-16 21:53:11

But you can't just decide to cut money without telling him first. That's not ok. It's not part of the trust you need to build. We would say the same to a man in the opposite situation I assure you.
He has totally over reacted and unfairly I do agree with that. To him you have taken it upon yourself to modify the agreement without even telling him. You should apologise for that and maybe you two can sort something out with your child that's best for the child not what suits either of you two

Myusernameismyusername Mon 27-Jun-16 21:54:47

If you can't come to an amicable arrangement you need to seek legal advice

Even if my ex takes my kids on holiday for 2 weeks he doesn't pay less for those 2 weeks.

meanex Mon 27-Jun-16 21:55:04

Yeah I get what your saying. I guess main issue is that ex and I don't have a good relationship, we actively dislike and distrust one another. Ds is kept from this of course.

Marmaladeday Mon 27-Jun-16 21:55:38

No the issue is you dropping money and treating your child as a commodity. Do you think your son doesnt need electricity , gas, rent, bedding, council tax paid to keep him in that bed asleep overnight? My ex pulled this stunt and it was the difference between the councio tax being paid or not. If its 20/10 split as well it cant be that skewed in your favour of sleep.

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