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How can I stop doing as DH says all the time with minimal fall out?

(34 Posts)
kitonian Mon 27-Jun-16 07:05:38

To cut a long story short, DH always wants me to do as he says/wants and if I don't then although he seems accepting of it he will then get into a foul mood or will kick off at me later about something small and I know this is just because I didn't do as he said. Or he says I have an attitude problem if I refuse to do as he says instantly.

I was at work all day Saturday (I work full time but my shifts vary and are odd hours), and DH had done nothing when I got home from work, not even put dirty plates in the dishwasher, and the kids had pretty much sorted themselves out all day. I didn't say anything as it wasn't worth the fall out and he ignores me anyway if I say something he doesn't like the sound of.

Then yesterday I had to take DS to a party, and it was a sports adventure type of party where parents had to stay to help their children. When we got back, DH had decided to clear out the garage, which was full of his rubbish anyway, and was sulky and moody with me because I hadn't stayed behind to help him. Then later in the day he got cross with me because the house was a mess even though it was messy because of his lack of doing anything the previous day. Even so, I spent ages tidying and cleaning to placate him.

What I'm trying to say is, I always end up doing what DH wants to appease him as otherwise I find the sulking and snappiness too much to deal with and I find it hard to ignore it. My dad has always controlled my mum and I don't want to end up like that sad

How can I disengage a bit, ignore moods and generally please myself a bit more?

kitonian Mon 27-Jun-16 07:06:59

God I can't believe I left this bit out, but he also threatens to leave me if I don't do as he says and he'll say it's 'not working out'.

I feel like telling him to go off and leave me if he doesn't like me as I am.

StealthPolarBear Mon 27-Jun-16 07:09:50

Yes do that. This life sounds awful.

MrsPnut Mon 27-Jun-16 07:10:08

I'd tell him if he doesn't like it then he knows where the door is.
It's easy for me to say though from the other side of my computer, but the more you appease him the more he thinks he is entitled to call the shots.

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Mon 27-Jun-16 07:10:15

Call his bluff. Hand him a bin bag and tell him to get packing. He's a bully and an abuser.

NewIdeasToday Mon 27-Jun-16 07:10:18

Let him go then. Sounds miserable.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell Mon 27-Jun-16 07:10:30

You leave him because he's a controlling abusive wanker. You can't change him.

RueDeDay Mon 27-Jun-16 07:10:56

He is emotionally abusive. I left my ex-husband because of similar behaviour. Nothing you do or don't do will change who he is as a person... And trust me, I learnt that the hard way!! So I would follow through on your last sentence.

category12 Mon 27-Jun-16 07:11:11

Ugh. Dump his ass.

Gide Mon 27-Jun-16 07:14:07

Have you sat down and had a chat about this or is this not possible? He sounds like a nasty controlling twat, frankly. Typical EA behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 27-Jun-16 07:15:36

Kitonian,

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is or has kept you within this?

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; look at what yours taught you. A shedload of damaging lessons that you are repeating in your own marriage; you've married really someone just like your dad and you are being controlled now. History really does have a nasty habit of repeating itself. Your H's actions are all about power and control and he wants absolute over you.

Re this comment:-
"I feel like telling him to go off and leave me if he doesn't like me as I am".

Well you should but such inadequate men rarely if ever leave of their own accord and indeed refuse to leave. He likes having you around to boss about and what he does has worked for him. If you left him (which I suggest you do) he would have to find someone else to control. Men like he do take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and also you have seen your dad control your mum. There is an awful lot to unlearn here and a small step is enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme.

I would seek legal advice and find it within yourself to separate from him. He will bring you and in turn your children nothing but misery otherwise. Reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft may also help you more.

Is this also what you want to teach your children about relationships, for your son to grow up thinking that yes this is how men and women do behave in relationships?.

YouAreMySweetestDownfall Mon 27-Jun-16 07:15:51

Let him fuck of and leave when he threatens too. And don't let him back in.

I know, I really, really do that it's never that easy but he sounds like a lazy, controlling bully.
I also know the sheer exhausting, frustration of getting home from work and finding a shit tip and a toddler still in his pj's etc. It's easier to go along with what they say because you feel so worn down but it's not easier in the long run.

Apart from the (empty) threats to leave what would happen if you 'disobeyed' him or didn't pre empt what he wanted you to do?

Patterkiller Mon 27-Jun-16 07:16:56

What does he do to contribute to running the house or be nice to you?

OohMavis Mon 27-Jun-16 07:17:06

Yes. Do the last bit.

Just imagine the feeling of the weight lifted off your chest.

squishee Mon 27-Jun-16 07:22:37

Yes, get rid. For your children too. This is not a healthy blueprint for them.

ptumbi Mon 27-Jun-16 07:23:32

You don't want to be controlled like your dad did to your mum?

Sorry, OP, you already are. Hes already got you tiptoeing, jumping through hoops to appease him, second-guessing yourself as to what he wants, doing everything the way he wants it, while he does what he likes.

Think about how much less work you would have without his mess. How nice it would be without his moaning or sulking.

It;s a no brainer, really.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 27-Jun-16 07:43:53

You are not going to end up like your mum. You're already there.

Leave him. Life is too long to spend it bullied and belittled.

Joysmum Mon 27-Jun-16 08:47:22

he also threatens to leave me if I don't do as he says and he'll say it's 'not working out'

Next time he does, act relieved and tell him you're glad he sees it that way too as you were thinking the same thing. Tell him you're clearly not right for each other as he doesn't appreciate you for who you are and what you do and you've had enough of it yourself.

Arfarfanarf Mon 27-Jun-16 08:51:22

You say you dont want to end up like that (your mum)

But thats where you are right now.

You are being controlled.

You do as you are told because you fear his reaction.

You are already in the relationship you fear and want to avoid.

My opinion, take him up on his offer to leave. He isnt going to stop tryingand wanting to control you

ImperialBlether Mon 27-Jun-16 09:33:03

You've got two choices:

a) put up and shut up - come on here every now and then and complain, then go back to the same situation and put up with it. In other words, become a martyr and teach your children this is what relationships are like.

b) tell him it's over and that you want to split up because he is lazy and selfish. This tells your children something completely different.

tribpot Mon 27-Jun-16 09:58:17

If there was a way to challenge this with only minimal fall out, don't you think you'd be doing it already? He has created the conditions for this marriage to operate exactly on the terms that suit him best. When you step out of line you are treated like crap. There is no way to resolve this that doesn't involve you being prepared to deal with significant fall out, the only question really is whether you want to try and do that with him still in the house or with him gone. It is possible (but unlikely) that when he next threatens to leave and you say "yes, I agree, I think that's for the best" it will give him a wake-up call that will make him want to address his controlling behaviour. It is much more likely that it will produce the appearance of a wake-up call just long enough to convince you it's worth giving it another try, and then he'll revert back to his current behaviour, or even worse. He will then say that you tried to end the marriage and it's on you to 'make it work' now.

My dad has always controlled my mum and I don't want to end up like that

You're already there. And you ended up there because you saw this behaviour modelled to you as a child.

WellErrr Mon 27-Jun-16 10:02:28

Gosh yes I'd bite his hand off at the offer of leaving.

He's an emotionally abusive bullying wanker who brings nothing to your life. Think how free and happy you'd be just living life without this millstone round your neck.

WellErrr Mon 27-Jun-16 10:02:50

In answer to your question though - you can't change him.

Dollius01 Mon 27-Jun-16 10:06:31

God, get rid. Life is too short for this crap. It sounds utterly exhausting and draining and is such a bad model for your own DC.

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jun-16 10:09:06

"To be honest, I'm relieved you've said that as It's also not working for me anymore'

'Shall we set the ball rolling'?

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