Husband making it V difficult for me to return to work

[user1466969834]

Hi all,
I am a full time Mum to a 2 year old. Husband works full time. We have no family or friends nearby to assist with Childcare. That is fine on a day to day basis but just recently have been trying to find part time work as our budget is so tight I need to earn some money for my own sanity ( hair cuts, clothes and days out for my daughter - all of which are not included in our budget at the moment) I used to work full time before my daughter was born.

The problem is my husband works random shift work so my work would have to fit around him but he has always had his shifts in advance.
So its taken me a while but I have found a job! its perfect! I have accepted the job and my husband appeared to be pleased but when it came to getting the calender out for my availability he states he does not know his shifts after July! When I asked him about it he got angry and said his work were shit and wont tell him. I explained that that is just not practical and they have to inform him of his hours ( he is on a full time contract and works for a large company - he is on a secondment to a different department for 6 months and that's finishing at end of july)


My problem is that he actually got annoyed at me...we tried to talk about it and he stated that my job was not important to his manager. I pointed out that many families have to have both parents at work to afford bills so if that were our case they were preventing us from paying our bills!
I asked how many times he had requested his shift pattern and if he had told them it was due to arranging childcare and he said once and that was two weeks ago.
So I feel that is too little effort! He just does not seem to think I am being fair and I am struggeling to understand how he thinks I am unreasonable! Its really upset me.

So any advice? I want to go into his work and ask for the money I am missing out on if they do not tell him his shifts but that obviously is not suitable! And I know he is stressed at work but maybe he will be less stressed if I can bring money in too!

[NapQueen]

He works shifts. I'm a shift worker. I know mine two weeks in advance. It's crap but it's part for the course.

If his employers have a set day or week for releasing shifts then he has to wait till they are published.

I think you need to find childcare that works according to your shifts and and if he is off when you are at work he can either be home with the dcs or send them to the childcare and use the time for other household tasks.

I send my childminder my shifts as soon as I get them, dh works mon-fri office hours term time only, but we pay for full time places. The kids only go to CM when dh and I are both working.

On the other note - money for activities/haircuts etc. Does it not exist or do you just not have access to it?

[NameChange30]

If his shifts are going to be unpredictable in the medium/long term, I suggest you organise paid childcare to cover your own working hours. When you look into the options maybe see how flexible they are, in case he is available at those times and can look after the DC after all.

If your joint income is low make sure you're claiming all the tax credits you're entitled to: child tax credits and working tax credits, as the childcare element covers up to 70% of childcare costs.

[emsyj]

I think when both parties of a couple work, it is normal to get childcare. I obviously don't know your husband or his job, but it seems not beyond the realms of possibility that he can't know his shifts far enough in advance and with enough certainty that you could arrange your working hours around him. Have you actually asked him whether he is able to arrange fixed shift patterns to enable you to work around him?

[NameChange30]

Cross post, I agree with napqueen! And I was wondering about the last question too.

[AyeAmarok]

Do you think he's just not telling you his shifts because he doesn't want you to work?

[StubbleTurnips]

Sort a childminder independent of his shifts.

[Fairylea]

My dh worked shift work for three years and only found out his rota at the end of each week. If he had pushed for a certain rota or asked his manager early he would have really made them cross to be honest. I completely understand you wanting to return to work but I think where shift work is concerned you'd need to rely on childcare to cover your job if the main breadwinner is working varied shifts.

If you think he is being deliberately difficult I would have words but shift work by its very nature can be unpredictable and short notice.

[NapQueen]

Does he work any of the seven days? If he has a guaranteed day off could you ensure you work that day and then it reduces the amount of childcare you would need.

[user1466969834]

Hi thanks for all replies

The shifts pattern he works has always been set. So we would know in advance what he was working. Just recently he went to a different department but he should still know his shifts in advance its just management being rubbish at getting the shifts in place. So that's why I asked him how much he has asked them for his new shift pattern and if they know the reason he is asking is due to childcare. He said he has only asked them once.

I found a job that I could work around his shifts so I would not have to put my daughter into childcare to save money but also he is not keen on putting her into childcare before she is three so my job is in the evenings.... So childcare would not be possible.

With regards to budget , his wages cover the basics only. So we are fortunate that I do not have to work but I would just love to have a bit of extra money to have a few treats every now and then and not just for me! Christmas was difficult and days out are always on such a budget if I could earn a bit of money it would be so amazing!!

I guess childcare and job in the day would be more suitable.

Thanks again , I just was so frustrated!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Childcare and job in the day is a lot easier on you. Full day of childcare then work is v stressful. Staying sane is important if you have children.

[NameChange30]

Do you get any benefits at the moment?

"he is not keen on putting her into childcare before she is three"
You mean he wants YOU to be a SAHP until your DD is 3, right?! Or is he willing to reduce his own working hours to do some childcare himself?
It always pisses me off when men have this attitude. They continue working full time but don't want to use paid childcare - which obvious means forcing the woman to be a SAHM. Well you don't have to do what he tells you!

[2nds]

Would this be connected to Brexit in anyway? My fella's work have called a company meeting which is happening in the next few weeks and the truth is my fella has no idea if he even still has a job come July.
A lot of people will be affected by Brexit.

[user1466969834]

Its frustrating as the shift issue should not even be an issue... He came home today with his shift pattern until the end of this year. So it proved to me that he could get it from his managers with a little push from me. But it took an argument to get it.
One thing that has made me think from your messages is that I don't actually have to do as he says...it sounds so stupid but I always try and come to a compromise. I have been trying to work getting a job around him but I could arrange it to suit me too. So I am rethinking the evening work and will look into it.
Its not the worst problem in the world..bills are getting paid and my daughter is happy but its something that I needed help with so thanks for all your input! x

[Numberoneisgone]

I agree with getting childcare but none of this is all down to you. He works, he has a child, she needs to be minded, he is presumably capable of examining childcare options too. Offer him that option but tell him you are starting a job on X date and either he gives you some input or sorts out childcare. I would find his behaviour bordering on controlling. Btw he should be contributing his share to childcare too.

[Phineyj]

I'm glad that you've got a solution but you've refererred throughout to 'my' daughter...is she not your DH's? If she is, you both need to start thinking like a team regarding spending money, budget, childcare and work. It is unfair to make sorting it all your problem.

[NameChange30]

Good for you OP. Yes you can find a job for the hours YOU want, not just the hours he says you can do! Next time you try and "compromise", ask yourself whether it's a true compromise (both partners making concessions for the other and meeting in the other) or whether it's you letting him decide.

Good luck.