My partner left me three months ago when I was nearly three months pregnant with our first baby which was planned, actually by his suggestion. We were together five years, happily I thought, and his behaviour since he left me had completely shocked me. We by no means had the perfect relationship, who does, but he never gave me the impression he was unhappy at all. We had a bit of a wobble last year due to some asshole, never did find out who, starting a rumour that me and a close friend of mine, who I've since cut contact with and haven't seen or spoken to since, were carrying on behind my ex's back. After a few turbulent weeks we got back on track and everything seemed great; not long after we decided to try for a family, something which he suggested. He was actively involved all decisions and was keen to try often and talk about it so all seemed wonderful. He started his dream job in january, over an hour's drive away, and I found out I was pregnant in early february having conceived in late january. We were both over the moon, he couldn't wait to tell his close friends and family though I kept trying to tell him to wait cos it was very early but he still told a few people, he wanted to discuss names, godparents etc and again all seemed very positive; he even sat with my family on mother's day when we told everybody and shared in the celebrations. We began to look for somewhere new to live which caused some rows as he wanted to move really close to his work which would take me out of my job and us both quite far from our families (the majority of his friends live in the town where he works) and I wasn't happy with this so we were looking fairly near to where we were currently living with the idea that if he was still struggling with the commute after the baby was born, we could look at moving closer. We asked my parents to help us with a deposit, had viewings booked for new flats, everything seemed great.
Middle of march he started acting weird, tired and moody which I orginally chalked up to his driving a lot, but then when I asked him he said that he had been feeling down lately and couldn't shake some negative thoughts out of his head about me and the friend that I had been accused of sleeping with. I was shocked but he still reassured me that he loved me very much, was very happy about the baby and would go and see someone to sort his head out as he just felt it was his own problem in his head kinda thing. A few days later, he returned home from a work event he had been at the previous evening, burst into tears, told me he couldn't do it anymore, that he was leaving, and that was it.
Since then, my life has been a complete car crash. He has rapidly gone from being reasonable and supportive to hostile, cold and just a complete stranger. We had to move out of the flat which was a ridiculously horrible and difficult event, he callously left all of the things I'd ever bought him in the flat for me to collect, told me that the baby was never conceived out of love but that he's been confused and unhappy for ages and should have left years ago among other absolutely awful things. I've had to move back in with my parents who are now having to support me and my unborn baby: in an attempt to get his parents to realise the gravity of the situation my dad and I met with his mum, a woman who I've always had a problem with but we've always got on reasonably well, who tried to turn the whole thing around on me, acted really horrible and accused my dad of threatening her when he stated that he was not prepared for everybody else to ignore the situation then turn up in a few months time with a teddy bear expecting all to be okay. Not long after this the dog, which he and I have looked after for over three years after taking her on from his family and were sharing since our split, was taken from me in a cruel and sneaky manner after he came to me proclaiming he wanted to be on good terms and be reasonable etc. It was his mother who informed me via a horrible text message that I would not be seeing her again as she was their 'family pet' (bearing in mind me and my family paid for all her upkeep for the last three years and they never paid a thing for any vet care) and that she will be staying with his mum until he gets himself sorted, as he's still living on a friend's sofa as far as I know. His sister, who I've always got on very well with, has been no better and basically the attitude is that he's done nothing wrong and I need to take responsibility, should have checked he was ready, shouldn't be 'making things difficult' cos he's coming to scans and is gonna pay maintenance which he's already looked into, my parents shouldn't get involved among a whole lot of other rubbish. Even when explaining that since he's left he's told me to get rid of the baby multiple times, tried to make me feel guilty for keeping the baby, has demanded a dna test and said 'he always wanted one' yet has been acting like I've refused to do one which I haven't, that he doesn't want to be the birth ( as I was accused of keeping him from being there) and didn't hardly look at the screen during the first scan and has admitted that he feels nothing for the baby, I'm still completely in the wrong.
I've been struggling so much. When they took the dog and the message from his mother was sent, my dad stepped in and said that I could not continue to be put under all this stress and informed him and his mother that none of them were to contact me again and if they did, he would look at getting lawyers involved. I still got a message from his sister on the morning of my 20 week scan asking when it was before she sent another claiming she had no idea that they weren't to contact me which just seemed a bit weird.
It's been a month now, he still has my deposit for the flat which he had to organise getting back cos for some reason it was registered in his name, the dog is being passed back and forth between his mum and his sister and has already escaped twice which they seem to find funny, I switched off my facebook ages ago as it was just full of posts of him out partying with his new friends from work, one of whom I was suspicious about just before he left me and he's spent the majority of his time with her since he's left and has even booked a holiday with her and her friends around the time that I'm due. He denied it all repeatedly, as did his sister, during the time I was still in contact and I was inclined to believe it as I knew he was on tinder so why would he be if he was seeing her, but after reactivating my facebook today I see that his sister is now friends with her on facebook...I know it sounds pathetic but it's just sent alarm bells ringing in my head and I just feel like such an absolute mug. I don't know what was the point of denying anything.
I'm just so confused and heartbroken. He wanted this baby and has just acted as though I did it to try and trap him and that I'm keeping the baby to get him back. He has no idea he's having a son and the whole thing is just so goddamn difficult, everytime I feel like I'm getting somewhere it just hits me all over again. He's just completely changed and I don't know why he had to not only break us but smash everything into a million pieces. Sorry this is so long but some words of wisdom/advice would be nice =(
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Handholding needed =(
loulou1626 · 26/06/2016 15:33
That's terrible what he has done to you. I'm glad you have your family to look after you. Congratulations on the baby - soon you will have someone in your life you'll love more than you ever thought possible. I can't comprehend how shitty your exes behaviour has been, hand holding from me 
My first son wasn't planned and although my ex never said the word "abortion" he did talk to me quite harshly about "you need to think about your options" (He was my ex when we accidentally got pregnant so it's different from you in that respect and also he wasn't as shitty as your ex has been and his family have always been lovely) I still can't comprehend how his family can take his side and do this to you when you are vulnerable. Vile of them. Anyway, yes my ex cried when he saw our son and was overwhelmed that he had "finally done something worthwhile with his life" Our relationship was mostly repaired and he had a doomed reconciliation attempt. He took time to step up to the mark but once our son was more interactive became a wonderful father. I now think that him saying about thinking of my options will be something he has to live with for the rest of his life but,for me, I have forgiven him-he has been a decent father for 10 years and actually almost as good as a friend when I recently came out of an abusive relationship. Time and experience is a good healer. Obviously your ex has a long way to go as he hasn't even seen how shitty his behaviour is. I hope things improve for you. Also I'm glad your mum would be willing to protect you from your ex-that is the sort of family love and support you need.
Zumbarunswim I'm glad that your ex is a good father to your son and it's very admirable of you to forgive him in my opinion, but that obviously shows that you're a good person. I'm also glad that you came out of an abusive relationship! What a strong lady you must be
His mother isn't a nice person, though she thinks she is. She's very self absorbed and the ironic thing is that he doesn't actually get on that well with her, would actively avoid her a lot and see her out of guilt and duty sort of thing a lot of the time, so it baffles me. She's the kind of person that sent him an abusive email three years ago after he went to visit his dad's side of the family who he's now close to, as he hadn't been when his parents were married because they all hated his mum (for obvious reasons!) and had no remorse for that whatsoever. When his sister was pregnant she did nothing to help, didn't even buy them a pack of nappies, but that's just what she's like. His sister does surprise me, though she's left her partner multiple times over the years and always gone back and actually got together with him when his son was only a few months old so it just speaks volumes really. Their attitude is very much that if he wasn't happy then he's done the right thing, never mind the fact that this baby was planned at his suggestion or the fact that I would never have willingly put myself into such a financially and emotionally crippling situation if I had known, but hey apparently it's still my fault.
I'm in two minds really. Because this is so insanely out of character and because he's off acting like a knob doing things he never used to, such as out partying all night, spending time with people he didn't even know a few months ago, being irresponsible and immature and basically sticking his head in the sand, I have to wonder how much of this is him being in complete denial, but then the other part of me can't ignore how far he's taken this when there was absolutely no need to. I don't know anybody who could do this and expect anyone to just hand over a baby without any concern. Thank you, I have a very big protective family, who have done a ridiculous amount for him over the years, way more than his own family, and obviously I am so incredibly grateful, especially for the fact that my son will have a decent role model to look up to with his grandad.
It took time. I was FURIOUS with him after the "think about your options" chat and didn't speak to him for weeks, went to the first scan on my own, was very angry with myself for getting myself tied to ex for life, during our reconciliation attempt he was good with our son but the damage was done and, anyway, it felt like he was just with me for our son as he hadn't chosen to be properly with me before him. Once we split up for good I kind of felt sorry for him and found him repellent if I'm honest. When I had to leave my abusive husband he was very kind to me which healed a lot of old wounds and also appreciate all the ways in which he had been good so it's been a long road but after 10 years we have a good co-parenting relationship. He doesn't want me to tell our son quite a lot of what he used to be like so that's his issue and burden to carry. I always knew I'd love my son and I do, he is a joy 
most of the time.
You'll get there in time. It's such a shitty thing he's done and he'll rewrite history to make you the bad one. Be kind to yourself. 
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