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Still I love with my groomer?

(13 Posts)
Atlas15 Sun 26-Jun-16 10:33:58

Long story so bare with me.
When I was 14 I met an older guy he told me he was 19. We used to meet up in his car and go driving around before ending up in a mcds car park kissing until he would drive me home.
He would tell me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever met, how when I'm 16 we won't have to sneak around and we can be together, that he wanted to marry me and have children and live abroad together.
So many things that at that age I thought I had found the most perfect guy. He told me he was my boyfriend so no meeting up with other boys ect.
Then the next few times we met he would pressure me into giving him oral sex in his car. For a few months I said no but he would say that I was the only girl he was seeing, he had needs, I'm so sexy he wants it so bad ect. So I did it and everytime I met him that's what I did. Part of me knew I was being used but the other part said just hold out until you are 16 then you can be with him in a real relationship.
One time I said no I don't feel like doing it today and we just sat in silence until he drove me home.
This guy was a junior stockbroker and had sports cars and a flat with a mortgage. When he was '19' he told me that he had been living in that flat for 2 years it never crossed my mind that he would've been 17 and couldn't get a mortgage at that age. Also when we used to talk about growing up he would mention films that he saw in the cinema with his friend which when I googled were early 90's and I doubt his mum would've let a 5 year old go cinema by themselves.
So many other things that looking back on I know for sure that he was older than he was saying.
So the day came when I turned 16 and thought that things would change but no same old same old. He spoke about me being 16 and how I could have sex with him now, he was going to book a hotel and I just thought why not at your place. But something clicked in me and I started to be less obdient to him and would miss his calls and not want to meet up with him.
I broke up with him by text telling him I felt used and I had waited for so long to be with him and he won't even walk down the street with me.
He didn't reply and we didn't talk for 2 weeks.
During those two weeks I met my now husband who was 21 when I was 16, so would've been that same age of the first guy. He was so different, more into the same things as me, wasn't afraid to walk down the street with me or meet my parents or his parents. I ended up losing my virginity to him.
I went home and cried and cried thinking that the other guy is never going to want me (because he used to say how he loved that I was pure and he wanted my virginity).
I got back in contact with the first guy and carried on like nothing had happened, but nothing between us changed he still expected oral sex everytime I met him and I started to fall in love with my husband so I broke it off fully and haven't spoke to him since.

8 years later

It took me years to realise that all that time he was grooming me and using me I genuinely thought that I was in a relationship with this guy. I have so many unanswered questions. I want to know if it was real or if I was being used. I dream of him all the time. I feel like we had more passion than I've felt with my husband. I plan fantasies in my head. I know the probability is that I was 100% being used and that he had a girlfriend that's why we were sneaking around. But sometimes I miss him.
I dont want to feel like this, it's been years now but I can't get over it.
What can I do?

legotits Sun 26-Jun-16 10:39:23

You need some re aligning Lass, nothing major don't be hard on yourself.
Your ex had some very formative years to brainwash you and now it's knocking your true feelings off kilter.

blueskywithclouds Sun 26-Jun-16 10:40:16

I really do think you need to speak to someone, I'm so sorry for what you have been through.
A counsellor, your husband, a friend? I think you need to share the burden of this.
Perhaps in the future you might think of exploring reporting this to the police but for now I think you need to talk.
Stay strong x

YesAnastasia Sun 26-Jun-16 13:21:20

He made himself perfect for you, why wouldn't you miss that?

BUT you know now that it wasn't real so you need to keep repeating that to yourself.

Also, none of this stops certain scenarios being a turn on for you. Feminism, political correctness, even the law (in this case) has no bearing on what gets you hot in your head. It's embarrassing and sometimes can feel a bit shameful but it's how you feel and fantasising is not a problem.

Halfwayoranges Sun 26-Jun-16 15:11:58

If he had truly loved you and wanted you, you'd be together now. People who want to be together ARE together. He told you to wait until you were 16. You did. He still didn't want to be with you.

I think part of the problem here, is that you were still young when you met your now DH, so you didn't have any experiences with men between this man and your DH. I don't mean to sound patronising at all, but I suspect if you had had other experiences, you'd find it easier to understand and accept how cruel men (and women!) can be when they want something but no commitment. I'm sure this guy enjoyed time with you but he had no intention of a relationship with you, or he would have been, as soon as you were 16.

It sounds difficult for you, and I can see why. But your DH is the real thing, don't let some dickhead who messed you around at 16 colour your view of your relationship with your husband. Xx

228agreenend Sun 26-Jun-16 15:59:49

I'm sorry you feel like this.

There's no doubt he was using you and grooming you for his own satisfaction. Unfortunately, at 14, everything is more intense, and you were proberly flattered by his attention, and thought you were in love with him. No one really gets over their first love.

You say you love your husband, so what is sparking you remembering the groomer? Do you feel that your can't fully love your husband, because of this man. Do,you think he still controlling you, after all these years? You need to say goodbye to the groomer once and for all, and move forward with your life..

Have you children? Is memories,past preventing you moving your forward?

Good look for the future,

springydaffs Sun 26-Jun-16 22:47:16

I was groomed from the age of 11 by a teacher (no sex, thankfully) and he was in my head and heart for decades. I dreamed about him practically every night. It was hell.

somehow , following LOTS of therapy (about other things but that, too) and also prayer I finally got him out of my head and heart. Like an idiot I googled him a few years back - BIG mistake. Didn't mean a return of the obsession but it was nasty seeing him getting on with his life.

iiwy I'd consider a trip to the police station. I assume McD carparks have cctv. Get the bastard.

Atlas15 Mon 27-Jun-16 00:36:36

I don't know why I still think about him but sometimes I feel like maybe if I didn't meet my husband we might've ended up together. I totally locked off any contact with him and changed my number so I would never know if he tried to contact me.
I think aswell because my husband had a long term ex gf before he met me and they went on holiday together and done loads of stuff, he has stories to tell and I don't.
It took me years to realise that I was being used I must've been about 20 before I clocked on that he had been lying about his age.
I want him to tell me if he was using me so that there it is no doubt in my mind. I know that won't happen though.

springydaffs Mon 27-Jun-16 12:26:24

You might get in touch with orgs that support victims of childhood sexual abuse. Abusers get in our head and heart in quite an extraordinary way ; really deeply. They seduce us.

What do you think about going to the police? He may well be doing it to someone else as we speak. Another young girl messed up.

Atlas15 Mon 27-Jun-16 13:11:19

I feel like if I tell the police it would look like I'm making a bigger deal out of it because I've never really told anyone what happened my husband thinks that he was just an ex even with the age difference. Also there is a part of me that still thinks that maybe it wasn't grooming but a strange relationship and that I didn't wait long enough after I turned 26 to see how it panned out. It's confusing.

springydaffs Mon 27-Jun-16 15:19:30

From where I'm standing type not making a big enough deal of it. It was what it looks like: an older male paedophile groomed a 14yo child for sex.

Do get in touch with relevant orgs to help you get this clear in your head. Hoping someone comes along soon with a link.

springydaffs Mon 27-Jun-16 15:20:11

*you're not making a big enough deal

FellOutOfBed2wice Mon 27-Jun-16 15:47:15

I had a relationship with my teacher between 14 and 21. He was 14 years older than me. I loved him very much, but was most certainly groomed. He was married, it ended really badly.

It's been ten years now, and I'm happily married, with children and a very nice life. I've had therapy and worked through my sadness, anger and hurt. It's taken a long time, but I'm alright now. However, a small part- very small, but it's there never the less- of me will always love him. I knew him from when I was 11. He was in my life during those formative years. It messes with your brain. It doesn't mean I don't love my husband or would want my abuser in my life.

Part of being alright now for me has been accepting that there's that bit of me which will always be kind of attached to him. I see it as just one of those things. What's important is that my rational mind knows he was a bad man who did a bad thing and that I was a victim. The bit of me that's attached is the bit that was groomed and so therefore, when I dream about him or have a pang of regret or sadness associated with him, that's because I was a victim and he did a bloody number on me. As I say, therapy has really helped with that for me- is it something you've considered?

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