Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to deal with people

(9 Posts)
glueandstick Sun 26-Jun-16 09:46:05

I feel I may be pissing in the wind here as they wont change but I could do with some advice.

I've upset a family member (I would be more specific but I can't name change as it keeps saying my password is wrong. Sorry to be vague) because I'm not interacting enough with them anymore. I don't send many updates on my baby (think daily) mainly because I'm damn tired / stressed and it was so one way. They've proved themselves to be self centred, rude, demanding and only caring about themselves and their immediate family (it seems I do not come under that category)

I can't not see them.

Today I have to see them and need I know how to handle the 'what have I done. I need to know why I've upset you blah blah'

It has been a decade of never listening to me, talking over me, telling me what I should be thinking, igniting what I say and carrying on. They control EVERYONE down to making sure you've bought people what they want you to buy for them.

They exert control over bloody everything and finally I can take it no more. Should I just be honest and say 'I am upset with you because you undermine me and my child is my responsibility not yours' or just say nothing and carry on getting hurt.

I so wish I could give more specifics but I dare not. They forgot a birthday because they were too busy but demanded a list of gifts for theirs. They told me that it would be stupid if I got PND (which I have. Quite badly) and should get over it.

There is so much I can't go in to.

I'd love to cease contact but it can't happen.

Please help me to stand my ground and give me some clues how to deal with it! Thanks smile

glueandstick Sun 26-Jun-16 09:47:03

I just wish sometimes it wasn't all about them. It's always what have I done to make you do this. Not thinking perhaps you are at the end of a tether and can't actually do anymore for people.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Sun 26-Jun-16 11:20:46

I think you need to just be calm, remember its your chip, you know best. I have had what you describe for years, I have this to look forward to at 1pm. I have reduced my contact down to the bare bones and have distanced myself, I am taking baby steps out of the frame so that they can find someone else to hate on. I do hope that knowing your not alone gives you some strength. I had Pnd twice, I was too why do you want another child when you cannot look after the one you have, very nice indeed. Then I had twins and totally aced bringing them up, that's was a nice big up yours to those who were sniping and bitching. Keep on keeping on, I'm on your side loveflowers some people are just dickheads. Fact.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals Sun 26-Jun-16 11:22:29

Chip not chip, told not too** bloody phone...

CommonBurdock Sun 26-Jun-16 17:59:37

Why can't you tell them straight. "Listen XXX I won't be treated like that". And leave it at that. Let them work it out for themselves but stand up for yourself.

BlackVelvet1 Sun 26-Jun-16 19:44:12

I would advise staying vague and detached. Some details here: outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

notagiraffe Sun 26-Jun-16 19:55:55

First, you don't need to apologise or explain your behaviour. You don't need to enter into all that emotional guilt junk. Use your baby as an excuse. "I just need to change her/feed him etc.'
Don't rise to any bait, don't agree to anything you don't want to agree to. Plan some lines in advance that you can use.
E.g. if they want you to get something for someone just say you've already decided. If they want you to be somewhere on a certain day, just say you have plans on that day. If they want you to do something right now this minute, just say, 'I need to change baby/go to the loo/feed baby/make a phone call.' Just be very calm and non committal.

Expect a big, cruel sulk and some jibes and don't rise to them. I play emotional bingo with my dad. On a typical visit I score a sulk, three jibes at me, one at my politics, one at DH, and five guilt trips over not being at his beck and call despite living three hours round trip away. Totting them up in my mind turns it into a game and a private joke I have control over. Took years and some really nasty behaviour on his part for me to feel this detached about it all but I am now, and it's good. He senses he has lost the power he once had over me.

I love Tom Hiddleston's advice: don't let bullies change who you are.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 26-Jun-16 22:26:14

No, don't challenge, don't rise to it. Be really really boring and dull. Give no information. Rise to nothing. "You haven't upset me, I'm just busy with the baby" "Everything's fine. I'm busy with the baby."

This is part of Grey Rock Theory

It works. It works really really well. I speak from personal experience with multiple crazy family members.

glueandstick Sun 26-Jun-16 22:41:54

Thank you all. Today I decided it wasn't worth the potential to get embroiled in WW3 so kept quiet, gave minimal answers and have a really busy schedule. I didn't have the energy to deal with it.

Seems I was along the right lines. The personal jibes stopped when I didn't look anything other than poker face.

I just can't deal with this shit anymore. So need to keep back a bit of myself for me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now