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Just asked him to leave - for real this time

(16 Posts)
Mamaka Wed 22-Jun-16 23:42:27

Been married for 5 yrs got 2 dc and we've always had a challenging relationship.

When I last posted about it on here I made up my mind while reading everyone's responses to ask him to leave, which he did. Things were improving between us, he was making huge efforts to change, when suddenly he decided of his own accord to move himself back in.

That was 3 months ago. The first month was great, the second was just ok, the last one has been pretty awful, he's gone back to making no effort and I feel invisible and unloved. So I've just asked him to leave, for good. He took it badly obviously - but is now downstairs watching something while I'm alone crying upstairs. Shows who really cares doesn't it.

I'm devastated and need strength and support cos I won't be getting it from my family.

Also any practical advice.

princessmi12 Wed 22-Jun-16 23:44:55

Firstly is it really that bad? When you say you feel invisible and he makes no effort what exactly goes on?

Mamaka Wed 22-Jun-16 23:49:02

It really is that bad yes. I've gone way beyond my call of duty to try and make this work.

There's some low level emotional abuse going on. I keep repeating to myself "the only acceptable level of abuse is none". This morning I found out this low level EA now extends to our dd. That is enough for it to be over.

nicenewdusters Thu 23-Jun-16 00:50:32

So he moved back in although it wasn't something you'd discussed or agreed.

You've ended things, he's sitting downstairs watching tv whilst you cry upstairs.

You've endured ea and now know your dd is experiencing it.

So no question you've done absolutely the right thing.

Do you have friends that can support you in RL if your family aren't there for you ?

Does he realise he can't just waltz back in again when he feels like it ?

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 23-Jun-16 05:43:42

"^when suddenly he decided of his own accord to move himself back in^"

What are you going to do to stop this happening again this time?

If he's gotten used to the fact that when you ask him to leave, he can move himself back in again when he wants, regardless of what you think, you need to put different measures in place this time around so he doesn't do the same thing again (which he will, since your accord clearly doesn't matter to him).

I think you need to start divorce proceedings rolling. Get legal advice. I don't know the legal situation where you are, but when I got divorced, one thing I got as part of my request for divorce, one year before the actual divorce came through, was a court order that neither of us was allowed in the other one's home. I don't know what the equivalent might be in your location, so you should ask a solicitor to find out.

Mamaka Thu 23-Jun-16 08:36:18

Thanks for replies - I'd woken up feeling a bit silly and like I'd overreacted so it was good to re-read and remember that he actually has zero respect for me demonstrated by the fact that he moved back in after I'd asked him to leave. Who does that?!

I also asked him to focus on my good points last night rather than being negative all the time and he said he couldn't see any good points! Why would I stay married to someone who thinks I have no good points?

Mamaka Thu 23-Jun-16 09:42:41

Can anyone tell me if there really honestly are decent, attractive guys out there who are genuinely and consistently affectionate and thoughtful? Who don't try to push the blame for everything on someone else? Who don't sulk when they don't get their way? I am struggling this morning to want to see it through.

nicenewdusters Thu 23-Jun-16 11:34:18

OP. I would say that even if there were no other good guys - but there are - that is not a reason to stay with this very bad one.

It is ok to be single. You will be ok.

He doesn't see any good points in you. So there you have it, game over.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation. But don't try and work out where he lies on a sliding scale of crapness. Crap is crap, and you don't have to take it.

Arfarfanarf Thu 23-Jun-16 11:36:46

Yes there are but even if there weren't, that wouldn't be a reason to stay. Not having a man at all is a perfectly legitimate option and one that you can be happy with.

OurBlanche Thu 23-Jun-16 12:13:41

Oh there are, Mamaka. DH and I have our arguments, say things we regret, rub each other up the wrong way, we are not perfect. But he loves me, tells me he is proud of me, most recently for setting up my own business. He works away and phones same time every day, sometimes just for a moment or two, just to check in and say he loves me. Tomorrow, after a week away, he will hug me with no pressure for sex, just a hug, a physical reconnection. He will immediateley put the kettle on, as though I go thirsty when he is away, he will probably offer to make tea and, if it is steak, I will agree.

As I said, we argue, both sulk a bit, but we talk such crap through and don't blame each other for daft crap.

If you turf your pillock out you have a very good chance of finding a man who meets your requirements... if/when you want one.

Mamaka Thu 23-Jun-16 13:14:31

Sorry, I really wasn't clear at all on why I was asking if there are really any decent guys out there. I most certainly don't want to jump straight into another relationship. I ask because he tells me that this is all normal, that he's normal, that I'm unreasonable, my expectations are too high, that I'm deluded, that he's doing his best, that I'll never be satisfied. Etc etc. So my question is really, am I deluded? To want affection, communication and, dare I say it, eye contact, from the man who chose to spend the rest of his life with me?

PatriciaHolm Thu 23-Jun-16 13:16:04

Nope. Everything you want is what happens in a normal healthy relationship. You are not in one.

RiceCrispieTreats Thu 23-Jun-16 17:27:02

Not deluded, no.

Arfarfanarf Thu 23-Jun-16 18:19:38

No. It's not normal. It's not ok and you don't have to settle for it.

But you know what? Even if it was common, so what? You're miserable and that matters.
It should matter to him but you cant do anything about that. If anyone's deluded it's him!
You can vote with your feet though.

Mamaka Thu 23-Jun-16 23:06:52

He's being absolutely vile. I can't stand him being in the house any longer. He says he will be moving out as soon as he can find a place but he is looking in town and I was hoping he would stay nearby so the dc could see him frequently.
I don't get why he doesn't even seem bothered at the prospect of not seeing our dc on a daily basis? It would kill me and I'm really concerned how I'll cope in the future if we do actually divorce.

nicenewdusters Thu 23-Jun-16 23:22:30

What is it you don't think you can cope with in the future if you divorce ? Your life will most likely be easier in many ways, as you won't have this nasty git dragging you down.

As to why he doesn't seem bothered at the prospect of not seeing the dc on a daily basis. I would assume, from what you've said, it's because he's a selfish, self absorbed, immature creep. They don't generally make particularly good fathers.

You'll be fine.

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