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Why am I always so angry with DH?

(85 Posts)
BusyCee Tue 21-Jun-16 14:00:48

We have x3 DCs 5 and under. We've been together about 9yrs, married for 18months. DC3 is 9mo, so we are in the eye of the storm, I know that.

But I'm so angry with him, all the time. It's often totally irrational - in that I can't say what I'd like him to do differently, or what I would have done in his place. In fact I often know that I'm being unreasonable. It's almost as though he's become a scapegoat for my frustration and anger in general. I feel that I'm almost looking for reasons to be pissed off with him.

He was away this weekend. I was pleased for him that he was doing his hobby, as I genuinely feel it's important. I did ok with the children (despite some extreme sleep deprivation at the moment) and overall I enjoyed the weekend. But I did miss him and I was looking forward to him coming home. Within 20mins of him being home we'd had a spat (nothing serious, about the tv) and I was short with him and unwelcoming all evening. I had yet another horrific night of disrupted sleep so was (reasonably) short in the morning....but I feel that this is knowing away at us and that I'm responsible for it. I just don't know why I behave like this or how I can stop it and just be bloody nice for a change.

Does anyone else have this? Is it just me being a bitch?

adora1 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:29:06

Does he support you, does he do his fair share, do you feel like a team, equals, if not, then you are right to resent him and feel angry, there's usually a good reason for it.

If it's none of the above, I think you need to see your GP.

kittykat8545 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:33:46

It's you being a bitch, kinda. From what you've written I understand you're kinda nervous when he's around. Is he giving you enough attention? Maybe deep inside you're kinda mad at him bcuz he may not treat you like his girl, but like the mother of his children. Like a kids factory. I think you should spend some time alone, and I'm not talking about in bed and stuff. Your latest DC may still be a little too young to be separated from its mom. But if it is, you really need to go on a short vacation, just you and DD. Leave the kids to your or his parents, and yeah, go get drunk somewhere and have sex in the public bathroom. grin

tootsietoo Tue 21-Jun-16 14:36:52

Because you're exhausted. Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer. Does he get up at night with the children?

AppleSetsSail Tue 21-Jun-16 14:41:02

My husband and I are both in our early 40s, we have a very traditional setup. I was and remain pretty pissed off about how little of the heavy lifting he did when our children were very small (they're 10 and 13 now, so things are great and easy).

Even with the benefit of an equal partner in the heavy lifting, I think would have a short fuse in your position because it's just bloody hard.

I am a much happier and more laid back person than I was when I had under-5s.

Marmalade85 Tue 21-Jun-16 14:41:42

You're resenting his freedom. You're also recently married so may feel extra trapped.

tootsietoo Tue 21-Jun-16 14:48:36

Oh god yes I am with you AppleSetsSail. I can recognise the same bitterness in my mum now too. It's a little nugget of badness in our relationship stored away in my head. I've put it away and things are good now, but I desperately resented that I did all the night waking and I felt shit and knackered. I didn't sleep properly for years even after it was over. And also that he could leave the house whenever he wanted!!

All you want is for him to one night say that he will do it, you go and sleep somewhere else so you can't hear it, then him bring you a cup of tea in the morning and tell you not to get out of bed. It isn't quite the same if you suggest it, but you could try?

Believeitornot Tue 21-Jun-16 14:52:37

Well he went away for the weekend and left you to it. Did you or do you ever get that kind of time to yourself?

How much "you" time do you get?

How much does dh pull his weight without being told what to do?

Believeitornot Tue 21-Jun-16 14:53:51

My DCs are a bit older (6&4) and I still have resented the fact that I do a lot more just general thinking/juggling etc re the DCs. I came across the phrase "wife work" on MN and it really ran true for me.

ricketytickety Tue 21-Jun-16 15:02:56

How much does he do with the dc? Does he do some of the night shifts?

It's important because it will distinguish between you scapegoating because of exhaustion or being rightly cross because he is one more person to look after and one less pair of hands on deck.

AppleSetsSail Tue 21-Jun-16 16:28:21

I have struggled mightily to reconcile the inequalities in our home life with the fact that my husband makes a lot more money, and has a lot more responsibility at work. I realise disqualifies me from the 'feminist trailblazer' category.

This wasn't always the case; I was the relative high-flyer when we met and when I had our first baby.

It just sucks. I wonder if the fact that it's behind me will actually ever fix the 'nugget of badness' (tootsie - we are on the same page).

BusyCee Tue 21-Jun-16 19:15:16

Hi again. I've been doing the usual after school shizzle and am now feeding baby to sleep. Here goes;

- he is better now at being involved than he ever has been. But no, I don't feel we are a team. I feel that I am dragging them all behind me, including him. He knows I do most of it, actively recognises it from time to time, but my perception is that he has so much more freedom than I do. And actually this is undeniably true....except that when we argue about it he retorts with an outline of how shit his life is too. He has a point in that his life is more restricted than it was, but far less so than mine. This infuriates me so much that I've probably stopped talking to him about it because it makes me so furiously angry I lose all sense of perspective and therefore the argument.

I've tried thinking actively and forward (rather than dwelling on all the shit that's pissed me off in the past. Apple I totally know what you mean about the nugget of resentment. Even at this early stage he's done and said things that I haven't entirely addressed and which sit like a canker). But I find it so hard to actually find anything to do to release me. My last child free day was at the beginning of April. Dc3 is sleeping so poorly at the moment that I can't go out because she's been waking throughout the evening. I do have a spa day booked with a friend on Saturday so I'm trying to work towards that. But otherwise I'm either too tired to plan anything, to frustrated to negotiate and probably I need to just be clear about what I want. He doesn't ever stop me from doing things, but he doesn't often actively help me do them either

This trip away he took. I do believe he should have gone. I don't want to be a wife who stops him from doing things - it wasn't what we did before. And I know -bitterly- how important it is to get some head space away from the pressure cooker of the house. BUT I don't think he should be the only one who gets to do stuff. And it is easier for him to just say 'I'm off out' and to go. Financially. Practically. And due to this dynamic we've got going on too.

I don't want to argue all the time. I want us to be friends and support each other. But the constant bickering and nit picking doesn't stop. On either side I think. I want to take the moral high ground and be better person for the long term pay off, but I'm just snide and snitty and stand off-ish. I want to change this.

Is counselling the only way forward here? Any practical ideas on how to resolve this?

BusyCee Tue 21-Jun-16 19:15:46

Thanks all for your replies, btw, food for thought.

Pearlman Tue 21-Jun-16 19:25:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusyCee Tue 21-Jun-16 19:36:27

It's a complicated answer I think. I have an inheritance which I don't want to touch as I don't yet have a pension. I work but earn <£500 pcm. By the end of the month there's not anything left. We don't split his salary to include money for me - just the household overheads. But it's slot of money. I'm grateful for it - even though I also his work as benefit I don't have.

Practically easier because I'm here with them. He's home at 7 earliest, often later.

Also all my friends now are mums. It's not just my husband I'm waiting for if I want to go out. It's all of theirs too.

I appreciate I sound pathetic. But I'm so tired. Writing this I think I do have to a) make more effort to make my own arrangements. I can complain if I'm not actively doing it can I? B) talk to him. This may need a third party to contribute to, as he gets defensive quickly. .

mumto1babyboy Tue 21-Jun-16 19:41:04

Sleep deprivation is a silent relationship killer!! My OH don't help me at all in the night never had never will and I resent him so much I'm so bitter. Other times were fantastic just now and again I'm like some little bitter happy dog!! Xx

Msqueen33 Tue 21-Jun-16 19:41:39

Kids ultimately push a lot of relationships to breaking point. I became a sahm as two of our kids have autism. My husband isn't bad but all the mundane hard crap is left to me. He gets himself dressed and off he trots to work. Ultimately his life hasn't changed. Much has changed so much I don't recognise it. Also, lack of sleep can do awful things. Some men become lazy. Have you talked to him about giving you a bit more help?

mumto1babyboy Tue 21-Jun-16 19:41:40

Yappy dog""!!!

Pearlman Tue 21-Jun-16 19:42:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Tue 21-Jun-16 19:48:00

You have 3 DC have been together a long time and you don't share finances so that you have equal spending money and equal free time.

Not surprised you are fed up and resentful!!!

Lovelydiscusfish Tue 21-Jun-16 19:49:07

The money thing is not fair, in my opinion. Of course he earns more if he's free to be at work till 7. Where is your compensation for all you have given up to look after the kids? (That makes it sound negative, which I'm sure it isn't, but you see what I mean?)

offside Tue 21-Jun-16 19:49:46

This sounds a bit how like I was when our DD was as young as your youngest. I wasn't always angry at my DP but I found that things which wouldn't usually irritate me would and I was unreasonably insecure (although I didn't project this on to him). It was only when I returned to work when DD was 13 months old that I felt like my old self and our relationship changed for the better.

I think you need to make more of an effort to have down time (I know, easier said than done) but he is the DCs dad so he can be daddy day care for all three while you have a break. One of the best things I did after DP had been working away for a week was go for a spa day on my own. Didn't have to talk to anyone, think for anyone or be anything other than relaxed. In fact, DP arranged this as a surprise and he got a daddy daughter day after not seeing her for a week and I got a full uninterrupted day of me time.

PlatoTheGreat Tue 21-Jun-16 19:52:29

Instead of saying he shoouldn't go away, take some days away instead.
Even if it'[s booking a Premier Inn down the road, having a full night of sleep will help. And a nice evening wo being disrupted, reading a book or watching a program on TV.

Take an agenda, look at how often he goes out, sees friends whatever and plan to go away for the same amount of time.

This will do three things
1- this will lessen your resentment about the fact he has more 'free' time (If you are the one to still do everything at home, he will still have more free time. The difference is that you will have some too)
2- you will be able to get a break, get some rest etc... Which you desperately need
3- he will have to deal with the 3 dcs on his own. After a while, he will, hopefully, learn that a- it's bloody hard work and it is crap if he doesn't get up at night too, help more with the dcs etc... And b- what it means to be and feel responsible for the dcs so not everything falls on yur shoulders.

AnotherEmma Tue 21-Jun-16 20:00:55

Hang on a second.
He has disposable income and time to himself. You have neither.
He doesn't share his income with you or do his share of childcare or housework.
You haven't had a child-free since APRIL.
When you try and discuss this issue, he moans about his life.
You are married to a selfish excuse for a man who doesn't pull his weight or even care that you are struggling.

And you're wondering why you're angry with him all the time?!!!!

What does he bring to the relationship? What does he do for you and for the family?
How does he show you that he loves you and cares about you?

Offred Tue 21-Jun-16 20:01:23

I had a husband like this. He wouldn't go to counselling. I tried making myself go out when I wanted (like he did) it didn't overcome the nugget of resentment based on him sleeping through the twins crying, reluctantly being forced to help feed them, running away to work, showering everyday but not making time for me to shower by looking after the babies meaning I sometimes could not wash for 2 weeks, waking me with his snoring and his on call work and insisting that he have the bed if it woke me, him disappearing to stag weekends without telling me etc...

I finished it when I spoke to him about how crazy I was going and how I needed to go back to work and he refused to even ask for modified hours to allow it to happen and said 'but you already do so much for the family, you don't need to do more' which I interpreted as 'if you want to work don't expect me to help'

When I said I was going he magically wanted counselling (too late) and changed his hours so he could have 50/50 care...

I was at the bed of my tether.

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