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Should I wait for her?

(24 Posts)
chrisw55 Mon 20-Jun-16 18:26:25

Hi there,

I started being more than friends physically (and emotionally) with a friend a few months ago, and then a few weeks she told me she felt things had gone too fast and spun out of her control, as well as feeling pressured at the fact people we know are labelling us as an item. She also said that after having a nasty ex, she didnt feel ready to be fully intimate with anyone else yet. I was fine with the idea we would slow down and said I had no problem waiting until she is ready, but now when we met up a week ago she says she meant we should just be friends, despite the fact when we talked a few weeks ago she specifically said she did not mean she only wanted to be friends.

I feel I really like her as both a friend and more, but I wonder if I should wait around for more? I mean often "not ready for a relationship" means I think I can find someone better or I have decided I dont fancy you after all.....but then it seems weird to go into details about how she doesn't feel ready for sex etc if she wanted a way to end things. Maybe someone else has been in this situation on her side and some insight? I really don't know what to do, and I also sense she would be upset if I told her I had started going on dates with people. On the other hand I want to meet someone, and its not realistic I can hang around indefinitely in limbo. I would feel weird about it too I think (although I suppose I shouldn't because she is the one who has told me friends only).

Its also tricky to get advice because I don't feel I can tell even my closest friends the full details, because I am sure she would not want people, who know her too, to know the full reasons she has gone into with me (hence asking anonymously on the internet).

ButIbeingpoor Mon 20-Jun-16 19:00:17

Hi Chris,
Don't wait for her. Move on. She doesn't want a relationship with you. Don't waste your time.

Somerville Mon 20-Jun-16 19:07:30

She says she just wants to be friends. Believe her.

SandyY2K Mon 20-Jun-16 19:15:02

Another one for don't wait. Find a girl who's interested in you.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Mon 20-Jun-16 19:19:13

You've been friend-zoned.

Do not wait for her.

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 19:19:15

Don't settle for anything less than you deserve smile

If she wanted a relationship with you, she'd be with you. She's obviously not interested, so move on! You'll find someone else.

Decadeinthesun Mon 20-Jun-16 19:27:20

Listen to her and accept what she says.

springydaffs Mon 20-Jun-16 19:40:14

Yes to the above.

Hard though flowers

RiceCrispieTreats Mon 20-Jun-16 19:49:49

What they said.

I'd also recommend, for your sake, that you stop seeing her at all, even as a friend, until your feelings for her have died down. It will be nearly impossible for you to emotionally detach if you're still in contact, and she'll still be playing her yes-no-maybe games with you all the while.

TheNaze73 Mon 20-Jun-16 20:43:06

Don't wait for anyone, move on

ButIbeingpoor Mon 20-Jun-16 20:45:33

Oooh I agree with Rice Crispie.
Go nc as much as you can. She might be getting off on the fact that you're keen on her. Doesn't want you but wants you to want her.

chrisw55 Mon 20-Jun-16 20:57:19

hmm I see what you are all saying, but a little voice in my head keeps saying what if she is telling the truth and if I just wait 3-4 months she will be ready? What if I date someone else and she was telling the truth and then thinks I am a horrible person for not waiting for her to be ready for a sexual relationship?

lampshady Mon 20-Jun-16 21:00:25

Has she told you why she's not ready?

chrisw55 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:03:01

She said her ex boyfriend was very unpleasant to her when they were together and that is why she is not ready.

lampshady Mon 20-Jun-16 21:14:15

How long ago did they split? If within the year, seems sensible tbh.

CrowyMcCrowFace Mon 20-Jun-16 21:15:29

You're both adults!

Just say 'no worries X, I know when I've been friend zoned! No hard feelings & let's catch up over a coffee/pint some time'.

You have then backed off as she asked, stayed friendly & the door is open if she does change her mind.

& then go & date someone who is definitely interested!

chrisw55 Mon 20-Jun-16 21:18:27

lampshady it was a year and a half ago

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 20-Jun-16 21:21:14

But after 3-4 months, if she's still not ready, would you be prepared to give up after investing even more time in her?

I think waiting on someone is a pretty dangerous game to play. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. I'm sorry, I know it's hard to hear, though.

Somerville Mon 20-Jun-16 21:35:24

But first she said she just wasn't ready to have sex with you. And then, a week later, she said she just wanted to be friends. I would view that as her trying to let you down gently. Not her having feelings for you but not being ready to fully act on them.

You asked for experiences of people who've been in this situation. Mine was similar. I met my now boyfriend through work. I didn't feel ready to jump into bed with him (widowed for 16 months at that point) but I really liked him and kept making that clear. Frankly, I didn't want him going off and dating someone else - I wanted him to concentrate on me! But without an expectation of sex anytime soon. Because I cared about him, liked him as a person, enjoyed his company, fancied him, etc... I never told him let's just be friends. Quite the opposite!

suspiciousofgoldfish Mon 20-Jun-16 21:47:48

No woman, in the history of the world, ever, told a man she fancied that she just wanted to be friends.

Sorry OP, you sound nice, don't waste your time on this one.

ConcreteUnderpants Thu 23-Jun-16 01:23:27

what if she is telling the truth and if I just wait 3-4 months she will be ready?

She has had a year and a half to be ready. Another 3 months isn't going to make a difference.

You have totally been friend-zoned. My thoughts are that she hasn't got the guts to tell you straight out she's not interested in you that way, and is flattered and loving the attention of having you in the wings.

You sound a nice thoughtful person - move on and stop wasting your time with her.

StarkyTheDirewolf Thu 23-Jun-16 10:06:33

I'm going to suggest you watch/read 'he's just not that into you'.

You've been friend zoned, time to move on.

chrisw55 Thu 23-Jun-16 12:41:19

I guess I will have to try and move on.

I can't really get my head round how someone who was a friend could decide to spend several months cuddling up all the time on the sofa, kissing and walking around holding hands when they had no interest. She knew I liked her, so it seems a mean thing to do! sad

I feel really stupid and naive now sad

ElspethFlashman Thu 23-Jun-16 12:47:16

Don't feel stupid - she was just trying you on for size. If you hadn't been friends before the relationship would have just fizzled out and you'd have gone your seperate ways, but it's more awkward with you cos you can't just dump an old friend cos you don't see a romantic future with them.

So you say "let's just be friends". And you say "it's not you, it's me".

The reality is that she just didn't fall in love with you. And thus she sees no point in continuing. It's no reflection on you - i'm not at all sure you're in love with her either!

You just weren't meant to be. Sometimes it's just that simple.

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