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Relationships

Observation -is it only me that noticed?

25 replies

margewiththebluehair · 20/06/2016 16:18

When I look at my friends/acquaintances I notice quite a strange trend.

The couples who live together for 7+ years who then decided to marry - all of them ended up divorced (this is about 8 couples) .The ones that lived the longest together before they married (12 years), divorced the quickest after marrying - only 2 years after marriage. The only ones left married are the ones who either lived together for about a year or never lived together before marrying.

Another thing I noticed is a friend who lived with his girlfriend for 8 years and then split up (because he didn't believe in marriage or kids), then met another girl and within a year married her and five years on they have three kids! This happened to another guy who was with his girlfriend 11 years - they split, he then meets 'the one' and then suddenly he is married with kids. It also happened to my friend (who was the dumped girlfriend).

The oddest one is my best friend, who married a man after only knowing him 8 weeks, they have been married 20 years already and still so happy (and with 5 kids!).

I really wonder if there is a logical reason to the observation, because it stumps me. Logically the longer you live with someone before you marry the more you know them! Has anyone else noticed this trend or is it just a freak coincidence with my set of friends?

OP posts:
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rememberthetime · 20/06/2016 16:24

It is because they think getting married willk save the relationship.

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margewiththebluehair · 20/06/2016 16:26

I must be living under a rock..it never occurred to me! I attended these weddings, but it never occurred to me they were doing it to save the relationship. It didn't really cross my mind except in one of the cases.

OP posts:
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DementedUnicorn · 20/06/2016 16:26

When I was at uni years ago I researched this briefly and studies showed that couples that tended to a) marry quickly, b) didn't live together beforehand and c) came from different cultural/religious/ethnic backgrounds had markedly lower divorce rates. I always found that interesting.

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ElspethFlashman · 20/06/2016 16:27

It happens sometimes, sure. Possibly cos those are "band aid" weddings. You get married cos everyone's on your case and/or you want to get moving on having kids. You may have been together since 17 and suddenly you're 28 and what do you do? You get married like everyone else.

Then you discover that scoffing some expensive cake didn't magically change your relationship and it's all terribly disillusioning in the cold light of day.

But for every case like that there's probably just as many where it worked out.

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Tattieboggle · 20/06/2016 16:28

I did hear it said once upon a time that couples who live together for years then get married have done the equivalent of having a 'sticking plaster baby' and after the excitement of the wedding/baby is over they realise there relationship was in trouble and split up.

Please note - 'sticking plaster baby' is not my choice of words.

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HappyJanuary · 20/06/2016 16:28

Maybe it's because the people who genuinely love each other and expect to be together forever get married quite early in the relationship, while those delaying marriage end up doing it for other less genuine reasons.

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IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 20/06/2016 16:30

The ones who marry someone quickly after having left a long relationship - they often realise what sticking to their ideals cost them (ie they wanted the relationship but not the wedding and realised that losing the relationship wasn't worth it).

The ones who marry quickly are in a honeymoon phase for a long time. They don't know each other well and will have to learn together. Sometimes it's easier to put the work in when a divorce would be difficult and you're tied together by vows. Sometimes they're just lucky and it works.

The ones who marry after a long time sometimes use marriage as a glue for a broken relationship.

I hope the trend isn't set in stone - me and DH were together for 10 years before marriage. No rocky patches or anything, just met young (teens) and didn't feel grown up enough for marriage until mid / late 20s.

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ThereIsIron · 20/06/2016 16:36

I lived with DH for 10 years before getting married 12 years ago. All good so far Grin

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Fomalhaut · 20/06/2016 18:06

The 'don't want kids' then having three with a new girlfriend... I've seen that a few times.

I think pps are right - these are couples trying to salvage something

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scrivette · 20/06/2016 18:11

I married very quickly and still together (but only 10 years later) my brother did the 'don't want children and get married' with his long term girlfriend and a year later had baby with new girlfriend.

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Paniniswapx3 · 20/06/2016 18:26

Now that you've pointed it out Op, it's quite true of a lot of mine & DHs friends.

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Fallstar · 20/06/2016 18:37

Not the case here! We married after 25 years when our DC were grown up. Still happily together several years later.

I don't think you can generalise about these things as people have so many different reasons and motivations for doing what they do.

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peanutnutter · 20/06/2016 19:06

Hmm interesting. Engaged after 3 weeks of dating and married within 6 months. Married 26 years so far Grin

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1horatio · 20/06/2016 19:17

I think there are even some studies on this. I think there are 2 reasons:

  1. People that get marriedcwithout living together are often very religious.
  2. Some couples may also feel like they 'have to' get married after soo long even though they don't really really want to. I've also observed an other trend: I also know people that have been together for ages that nevr got married. They're relationship seems to be pretty perfect (of course not 100%, but you know....)
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PlatoTheGreat · 20/06/2016 19:25

I would fit Demented categories very well. Still together after 15 years and some very rocky patches....

I'm wondering if the reason isn't that people who married quickly/come from a different background etc... Expect they will have some differences so are ready to compromise right from the word go.

I also remember a friend of mine (she was in her 50s!) commenting that things were really ok with her DH until the time when they got married. Then he 'changed' into a 1950s type of guy that he never was before. It took some time and energy and a good kick in the backside to bring him back into the 21st century Grin

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PlentyOfPubeGardens · 20/06/2016 19:50

I think it depends what prompts couples to get married, I'm sure for some it's a sticking plaster for a relationship that's slowly failing, in which case it's not surprising when it doesn't work.

I lived with DH for 13 years before we got married (and I'd known him as a friend for about the same length of time before we got together). 3rd anniversary coming up this year and no cracks showing so far Smile We'd been very vaguely planning it for about a decade and finally decided to go for it because DH's family were coming over from Australia for an extended visit so it seemed a good time.

It's given us peace of mind wrt the legal/financial/NOK stuff but apart from that it doesn't feel any different at all.

We had a bloody good party though Grin

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Decadeinthesun · 20/06/2016 20:25

I know a few couples who have been together a long time and make a big deal of the actual wedding and set a date a few years in advance. Maybe the planning keeps them going while the relationship is starting to flounder.

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Decadeinthesun · 20/06/2016 20:26

Didn't see the last post which contradicts my point completely!

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everdene · 20/06/2016 20:39

I agree with you OP, I've seen it lots of times. Particularly the long relationship/short marriage - I always imagine there's been a behind-the-scenes showdown shortly before the engagement tbh!

I don't fit either stereotype - we got together aged 23 and married five years later. But lived together from six months in.

I wonder with the 'not-having-kids then going on to have lots' brigade what has been the sticking point. And I know someone who was the girlfriend of 10 years then was dumped by the guy, who married and had three kids in a short amount of time. She feels like the new woman 'trapped' him Hmm but I'd guess he wanted to settle down but not with my friend...

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TheNaze73 · 20/06/2016 20:41

It's no coincidence OP.

Let's have a big party, blow our beans on a day not to forget & maybe have a couple of kids whilst we're at it......

Real relationship saviour is marriage....Wink

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PamDooveOrangeJoof · 20/06/2016 20:48

I agree with this. Maybe the don't want marriage or children just don't want it with that person. Harsh as that is.

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Wanderingraspberry · 20/06/2016 20:48

We lived together for nine years before marrying. We've been married for or 10. Different strokes for different folks!

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Numberoneisgone · 20/06/2016 20:58

I know of about 5 quick relationship break ups after marriage. In every case there was another person in the wings for one of the couple. Going through with a wedding while having it away with someone is pretty low IMHO. Here in Ireland you have to wait 5 years to divorce so the couple end up tied to each other for ages. A real marry in leisure repent in leisure situation. Horrible.

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Numberoneisgone · 20/06/2016 20:59

Gah they were quick marriage break ups after many years dating.

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MsMermaid · 20/06/2016 21:08

Well we were together 9years when we got married last summer. We currently have no plans to divorce, dont argue, make each other laugh a lot, etc. I certainly intend this to be permanent and dh seems to be in it for life (can't imagine anyone else would want him WinkGrin).

My sister got married after 2 years, then divorced less than 2years after the wedding (they hadn't paid off the reception yet).

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