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Observation -is it only me that noticed?

(26 Posts)
margewiththebluehair Mon 20-Jun-16 16:18:04

When I look at my friends/acquaintances I notice quite a strange trend.

The couples who live together for 7+ years who then decided to marry - all of them ended up divorced (this is about 8 couples) .The ones that lived the longest together before they married (12 years), divorced the quickest after marrying - only 2 years after marriage. The only ones left married are the ones who either lived together for about a year or never lived together before marrying.

Another thing I noticed is a friend who lived with his girlfriend for 8 years and then split up (because he didn't believe in marriage or kids), then met another girl and within a year married her and five years on they have three kids! This happened to another guy who was with his girlfriend 11 years - they split, he then meets 'the one' and then suddenly he is married with kids. It also happened to my friend (who was the dumped girlfriend).

The oddest one is my best friend, who married a man after only knowing him 8 weeks, they have been married 20 years already and still so happy (and with 5 kids!).

I really wonder if there is a logical reason to the observation, because it stumps me. Logically the longer you live with someone before you marry the more you know them! Has anyone else noticed this trend or is it just a freak coincidence with my set of friends?

rememberthetime Mon 20-Jun-16 16:24:25

It is because they think getting married willk save the relationship.

margewiththebluehair Mon 20-Jun-16 16:26:43

I must be living under a rock..it never occurred to me! I attended these weddings, but it never occurred to me they were doing it to save the relationship. It didn't really cross my mind except in one of the cases.

DementedUnicorn Mon 20-Jun-16 16:26:50

When I was at uni years ago I researched this briefly and studies showed that couples that tended to a) marry quickly, b) didn't live together beforehand and c) came from different cultural/religious/ethnic backgrounds had markedly lower divorce rates. I always found that interesting.

ElspethFlashman Mon 20-Jun-16 16:27:54

It happens sometimes, sure. Possibly cos those are "band aid" weddings. You get married cos everyone's on your case and/or you want to get moving on having kids. You may have been together since 17 and suddenly you're 28 and what do you do? You get married like everyone else.

Then you discover that scoffing some expensive cake didn't magically change your relationship and it's all terribly disillusioning in the cold light of day.

But for every case like that there's probably just as many where it worked out.

Tattieboggle Mon 20-Jun-16 16:28:08

I did hear it said once upon a time that couples who live together for years then get married have done the equivalent of having a 'sticking plaster baby' and after the excitement of the wedding/baby is over they realise there relationship was in trouble and split up.

Please note - 'sticking plaster baby' is not my choice of words.

HappyJanuary Mon 20-Jun-16 16:28:41

Maybe it's because the people who genuinely love each other and expect to be together forever get married quite early in the relationship, while those delaying marriage end up doing it for other less genuine reasons.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Mon 20-Jun-16 16:30:56

The ones who marry someone quickly after having left a long relationship - they often realise what sticking to their ideals cost them (ie they wanted the relationship but not the wedding and realised that losing the relationship wasn't worth it).

The ones who marry quickly are in a honeymoon phase for a long time. They don't know each other well and will have to learn together. Sometimes it's easier to put the work in when a divorce would be difficult and you're tied together by vows. Sometimes they're just lucky and it works.

The ones who marry after a long time sometimes use marriage as a glue for a broken relationship.

I hope the trend isn't set in stone - me and DH were together for 10 years before marriage. No rocky patches or anything, just met young (teens) and didn't feel grown up enough for marriage until mid / late 20s.

ThereIsIron Mon 20-Jun-16 16:36:57

I lived with DH for 10 years before getting married 12 years ago. All good so far grin

Fomalhaut Mon 20-Jun-16 18:06:15

The 'don't want kids' then having three with a new girlfriend... I've seen that a few times.

I think pps are right - these are couples trying to salvage something

scrivette Mon 20-Jun-16 18:11:37

I married very quickly and still together (but only 10 years later) my brother did the 'don't want children and get married' with his long term girlfriend and a year later had baby with new girlfriend.

Paniniswapx3 Mon 20-Jun-16 18:26:17

Now that you've pointed it out Op, it's quite true of a lot of mine & DHs friends.

Fallstar Mon 20-Jun-16 18:37:58

Not the case here! We married after 25 years when our DC were grown up. Still happily together several years later.

I don't think you can generalise about these things as people have so many different reasons and motivations for doing what they do.

peanutnutter Mon 20-Jun-16 19:06:30

Hmm interesting. Engaged after 3 weeks of dating and married within 6 months. Married 26 years so far grin

1horatio Mon 20-Jun-16 19:17:32

I think there are even some studies on this. I think there are 2 reasons:
1. People that get marriedcwithout living together are often very religious.
2. Some couples may also feel like they 'have to' get married after soo long even though they don't really really want to. I've also observed an other trend: I also know people that have been together for ages that nevr got married. They're relationship seems to be pretty perfect (of course not 100%, but you know....)

PlatoTheGreat Mon 20-Jun-16 19:25:50

I would fit Demented categories very well. Still together after 15 years and some very rocky patches....

I'm wondering if the reason isn't that people who married quickly/come from a different background etc... Expect they will have some differences so are ready to compromise right from the word go.

I also remember a friend of mine (she was in her 50s!) commenting that things were really ok with her DH until the time when they got married. Then he 'changed' into a 1950s type of guy that he never was before. It took some time and energy and a good kick in the backside to bring him back into the 21st century grin

PlentyOfPubeGardens Mon 20-Jun-16 19:50:13

I think it depends what prompts couples to get married, I'm sure for some it's a sticking plaster for a relationship that's slowly failing, in which case it's not surprising when it doesn't work.

I lived with DH for 13 years before we got married (and I'd known him as a friend for about the same length of time before we got together). 3rd anniversary coming up this year and no cracks showing so far smile We'd been very vaguely planning it for about a decade and finally decided to go for it because DH's family were coming over from Australia for an extended visit so it seemed a good time.

It's given us peace of mind wrt the legal/financial/NOK stuff but apart from that it doesn't feel any different at all.

We had a bloody good party though grin

Decadeinthesun Mon 20-Jun-16 20:25:01

I know a few couples who have been together a long time and make a big deal of the actual wedding and set a date a few years in advance. Maybe the planning keeps them going while the relationship is starting to flounder.

Decadeinthesun Mon 20-Jun-16 20:26:26

Didn't see the last post which contradicts my point completely!

everdene Mon 20-Jun-16 20:39:30

I agree with you OP, I've seen it lots of times. Particularly the long relationship/short marriage - I always imagine there's been a behind-the-scenes showdown shortly before the engagement tbh!

I don't fit either stereotype - we got together aged 23 and married five years later. But lived together from six months in.

I wonder with the 'not-having-kids then going on to have lots' brigade what has been the sticking point. And I know someone who was the girlfriend of 10 years then was dumped by the guy, who married and had three kids in a short amount of time. She feels like the new woman 'trapped' him hmm but I'd guess he wanted to settle down but not with my friend...

TheNaze73 Mon 20-Jun-16 20:41:59

It's no coincidence OP.

Let's have a big party, blow our beans on a day not to forget & maybe have a couple of kids whilst we're at it......

Real relationship saviour is marriage....wink

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 20-Jun-16 20:48:31

I agree with this. Maybe the don't want marriage or children just don't want it with that person. Harsh as that is.

Wanderingraspberry Mon 20-Jun-16 20:48:37

We lived together for nine years before marrying. We've been married for or 10. Different strokes for different folks!

Numberoneisgone Mon 20-Jun-16 20:58:25

I know of about 5 quick relationship break ups after marriage. In every case there was another person in the wings for one of the couple. Going through with a wedding while having it away with someone is pretty low IMHO. Here in Ireland you have to wait 5 years to divorce so the couple end up tied to each other for ages. A real marry in leisure repent in leisure situation. Horrible.

Numberoneisgone Mon 20-Jun-16 20:59:19

Gah they were quick marriage break ups after many years dating.

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