Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Bad weekend.

(4 Posts)
darumafan Mon 20-Jun-16 11:18:23

I'm just putting this down in the hope that someone will read it.

I have been with my partner for 17 years (it was our anniversary yesterday)

We aren't married because he doesn't believe in it although I do. I have been married before and had 2 children during that marriage.

It was his birthday on Saturday so Friday evening, my son (24) took us both out for a drink to celebrate. We met up with a couple of my sons friends and seemed to have a good time.

We got back home about 10.30 so not too late and he just lost his temper with me over a comment I made about a (very) young girl who had been in the pub with her mum.

He shouted at me and dragged up stuff from the past that I am truly ashamed of, I got into debt in the past and wasn't honest with him about it. I hid things from him and got into a real mess, bailiffs and CCJ's just to put it into context. We have never had joint finances and tbh the debt was from not having enough money to cover my commitments but not feeling as though I could ask him for help. Things (financially) are much better now although we still keep our finances very separate. As a result of letting him down so badly, I do tend to let him make all the decisions in our lives. I never say no to him, he pretty much does what he wants when he wants. He doesn't stop me doing things, I can do anything I want but I do tend to let him decide. I don't trust my judgement anymore.

We have also had four years of stress and trouble recently, my eldest son committed suicide 4 years ago and I have lost both my parents since then, mum only 6 months ago. His mum has been very unwell with Bipolar disorder for the last 10 months as well so there has been an unusual amount of stress on both of us.

The anger and hatred he displayed towards me on Friday have taken me by surprise, he kept saying to me 'fuck you and yours' At one point he did jab me in the head with his finger. He has never exhibited any tendency to violence in the past and knows that my marriage was very violent and I'm not good around anger in general, it makes me very panicky.

He ended up going out on his bike to cool off and by the time he came back, I had fallen asleep on the sofa. At some point through the night he was throwing furniture around our bedroom but didn't seem to recall this in the morning, he even asked my son if he had been into our room in the night.

Now he did apologise to me on Saturday morning but never made it clear what he was actually sorry for. We had arranged to go out with friends for dinner that evening so went but I couldn't bring myself to talk to him or interact with him on any meaningful level.

Yesterday, I tried to explain to him how he had made me feel and that I don't know where to go from here. He did say that he didn't know why he had got so angry and that he had gone over the top.

He has never been violent in the past, he has been very short tempered since his mum has been unwell, her mania has put us under tremendous pressure and he is struggling to cope with her

I do struggle to let things go and have a tendency to internalise everything so will end up feeling as though everything is my fault and that I deserved it all. I suffer with very low self-esteem and lack of confidence normally but the last 4 years have really not helped with any of that.

How do I/we move forward? I told him that I don't know what to do or think anymore, I'm not even sure that I believe him when he says he loves me, I don't think that he knows himself anymore.

Right now, I feel like I'm back in my marriage. I'm worried about what to do or say, I don't feel like I know him and that makes me so sad. We have been though so much and lost so much.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 20-Jun-16 11:22:36

Can you get a bit of space away from him to think things through?
Could you spend a few days or weeks with a relative or a friend?
Could he or would have move out for a while to give you both time to understand what is going on and what you both want?

NathalieM Mon 20-Jun-16 11:29:58

At least you were honest, rather than bottling it all up. In my eyes, that's a step in the right direction and will hopefully help you both move forward!

darumafan Mon 20-Jun-16 11:32:53

Neither of us really have anywhere to go, my mums house is standing empty but we have got rid of all the appliances etc so it isn't somewhere you could stay.

I don't have any close relatives to stay with and wouldn't want to ask any of our friends. We were friends before we were a couple so all our friends are mutual.

We both work full time so can't really take any time of work at such short notice.

I know what I want, I want things to be ok again. I do love him, he is/was my best friend. I honestly could not have got through the last 4 years without his support.

He has been my rock and my stability, I am very aware that that makes me sound weak and needy but it is just the truth.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now