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Really struggling here

(21 Posts)
Doomsdayapproaching Sun 19-Jun-16 17:25:28

My ohs ex is a complete ***. I'm desperately trying not to put anything else on my oh because I know he finds the situation hard but I just want to scream and end of all sometimes.
Hes basically terrified of her, she's nasty, volatile, has been violent towards him (abused him in the relationship and out of it since), unrealisticly demanding and loves the 'well you won't see him then' card.
But he won't stand up to her, he's so scared of her stopping him seeing him (9mths old btw) that he bows down to her every demand, he pays her a ridiculous amount of child support, 1/3 of his wages (£100 a week!) and she still expects him to buy stuff on demand several times a month (shoes, coats, baby food, nappies). The biggest issue though is he's too scared to tell her he's in a new relationship, I'm trying to give him the time he needs but it means he can't say no to her about things like having him the next morning (when she tells him at 10 the night before) because she will question why, that he has nothing to do or what is he doing that's more important than his boy and then if he does just say no the abuse about being a shit dad comes and she'll refuse access for a week or so (he has him around 20 hours a week most weeks, but she refuses overnight).
If she found out he was in a relationship she would step it up a gear and go into overdrive so for the time being I have to put up (it's only been 4 months but feels like a year), it's just so hard and draining, I want to get angry at him, force him to stand up to her but I understand his reasoning, it doesn't make it easy though, days like today I sit here so stressed out and wonder if it's all worth it, will it ever change, can I really deal with it? I then feel like I'm just being selfish and feel guilty, I'm falling in love with him and our time together is fantastic, but she is the elephant in the room, it's not him me and his/my kids, she seems to be there all the time sad

HandyWoman Sun 19-Jun-16 17:28:13

This man has got to sort this out for himself.

He isn't ready for a new relationship.

Sorry flowers

OurBlanche Sun 19-Jun-16 17:32:17

Until he calls her bluff, takes it all to court and puts it all on a legal footing he is not a single man, not ready for a new relationship - he is still embroiled, emotionally with his ex.

Unless you want to sign up to being his rescuer - and losing all patience and respect for him - walk away and tell him he needs to get himself legally sorted before he tries to start anther relationship.

No matter how much you currently lust for him it won't be enough to make up for the heartache and anger you will experience.

pinkyredrose Sun 19-Jun-16 17:36:20

Your poor fella! So they split when the baby was less than 5 months old. Why did they split up?

Summerlovinf Sun 19-Jun-16 17:38:29

How can you be bothered with this...it's someone else's drama...leave them too it

Doomsdayapproaching Sun 19-Jun-16 17:45:44

They split because he finally had enough, the relationship has been a sham for a long time, he stayed to do the right thing but couldn't cope with her anymore.
She knows how desperate he is to have a relationship with his son and it seems that once he called her bluff and finally walked away for the last time the original control she had dissappeared but she now uses their son as the ultimate weapon.
I know I should walk away but I guess I'm clingy to the hope things will magically change one day

QuiteLikely5 Sun 19-Jun-16 17:50:29

Things won't change because well why would they?????

She is quite happy to have easy cash and a nanny on hand

Your oh really needs to call her bluff, I doubt she will withhold contact for long because she obviously like child free time and also likes the cash that comes with it.

Nothing you can do about it.

Thelaundrylady Sun 19-Jun-16 17:58:24

This is something your OH has to work out on his own. Although he has split from his ex she is still emotionally and financially controlling and nothing you can do or say will change things.
He needs to put things on a legal footing but he has to want to sort things out ..
You can't 'rescue' him..
My advice would be to tell him that you are going to step away from him whilst he is still in this complicated relationship and to contact you again once things have been resolved. If you stay with him you as things are now will end up becoming resentful , sorry to sound harsh but it's his drama to sort out not yours x

Doomsdayapproaching Sun 19-Jun-16 18:16:45

I know that's what I need to do, just needed to hear the harsh reality from other people I think, to confirm that thinking that way is the best thing to do.
I shall put up for the next week as he has a funeral but then draw the line under it after that.
Reading back what I wrote made me see it for what it is and it's not a healthy relationship, I honestly believe he cares for me a lot, but he's using me as an emotional crutch to counterbalance everything that's wrong, he's not being fair on me though, I see that, it's just hard to face the truth x

Hellothereitsme Sun 19-Jun-16 18:29:00

4 months into a new relationship should be hearts, flowers fun and laughter. Not this kind of stress. Move on and find someone who is really single, not recently separated. Also do you really want to date someone with a 9mth old child. Find a single man and experience all of the firsts with him.

IonaNE Sun 19-Jun-16 19:56:33

So... let me get this straight: they broke up when the baby was 5 months old and you have been in a relationship with him for 4 months, and the baby is now 9 months old? How long have you known each other? hmm

Goingtobeawesome Sun 19-Jun-16 19:58:54

5+4 is 9. Don't see the fake confusion. Why don't you just ask if the OP was the OW?

Doomsdayapproaching Sun 19-Jun-16 20:22:12

At what point did I say they broke up at 5 mths?

Thisisnow16 Sun 19-Jun-16 21:01:47

Er hmm I think I know why they broke uphmm

Thelaundrylady Sun 19-Jun-16 21:20:11

I can't see anywhere that the OP said that her DP split with his ex when their baby was 5 months old..
I think that was suggested by another poster -

Funko Sun 19-Jun-16 21:24:22

The op said they'd only been together 4 months. No mention of anything else dear god why are people so harsh when there's clearly nothing that suggest that?
They could have split when she was 2 days pregnant fgs.

HeddaGarbled Sun 19-Jun-16 21:48:58

You need to calm right down and take a step back.

His relationship with the mother of his child is messy and hostile. They broke up while she was pregnant. She is clearly very angry with him. She may also be struggling both emotionally and financially.

Try and separate the money issue from the contact issue. Of course he should pay what he can to make sure that his child has everything they need. He is a good man for stepping up to his responsibility in this way.

He can get contact formalised by a court order. Does he know that? It's normal with a baby to start with daytime only contact building up to overnights when the baby is old enough to be separated from his mother overnight. The more he sees him now, the easier it will be to move onto regular overnights as the baby will be used to being with him. Can you suggest he sees a solicitor or CAB about how to get a regular schedule in place?

If you like him and want to give your relationship a go you need to seriously chill about all this. This is not your battle. Working yourself up into a fever of hatred for a woman who may be in your life long term is foolish and immature. Life doesn't have to be like Eastenders and Jeremy Kyle.

Doomsdayapproaching Mon 20-Jun-16 08:04:31

OK, to clarify.... I was not the reason for the break up at all, but thanks for the shitty assumption! They were split for a few months and as I said the relationship was a rail crash before that, more off than on for years tbh.
She is in a very good financial position with or with mantenance payments.
I don't hate her, I actually support him a lot, reasoning with him when it gets to the point he's emotionally done in and feels he just wants to walk away. I desperately try to see things from her point of view, as I said much of this stems from her now lack of control over his everyday life (she mentally and physically abused him for years).
It's just incredibly draining for me sometimes, I'm not one to scream and shout and make demands, maybe that's why he's happy and comfortable when he's here because I'm the polar opposite to what he's lived with for years.
I'm not trying to save him, I care for him dearly and the person he becomes when we're together and he can chill out, has had a stress free few days because she's actually been reasonable is a million miles from who he was several months ago.
Unfortunately she's only reasonable 5% of the time.
I am going to step back though, once this week is over. I'm not going to make a big song and dance about it but as others have said, he's not ready for a relationship, I'd like to think I can be there for him still but I know that's putting myself in a situation not much better than this one. Maybe I will mean that much to him that if I'm not around it will kick his arse into gear to deal with things, if not then I've done the right thing and walked before I become anymore emotionally attached.
Court action is an issue due to the cost, he can't get legal aid and as she's taking so much of his wage it's hard for him to save the money to proceed with things.
He just wants to do what's right and is desperate to see his son. If I could see a light at the end of the tunnel I think I'd cope better, as it stands you ladies have helped me clarify what I already knew deep-down.

Doomsdayapproaching Mon 20-Jun-16 08:11:32

The money isn't an issue, yes she takes the piss but I'm proud of the fact he does pay her that, unfortunately she acts as if he pays her nothing and makes no effort, or that he's paying her off that amount to balance making no effort (he's an ex most woman would kill for in respect to money and want for access). that's where part of the frustration regards to that comes from.

TheNaze73 Mon 20-Jun-16 08:29:04

He needs to sort this out, not you. I know you will have best intentions but, I'm struggling to see how he's ready for another relationship after all that.
This is his war to fight not yours

WannaBe Mon 20-Jun-16 08:35:48

One thing you need to bear in mind is that his DS is only a baby. Overnights would be unlikely to be given at this age even by the courts.

I'm afraid I start to lose sympathy though when men start saying that they just want to do the very best by their children, oh but can't afford to go to court because all their money is given to the ex because of said children.

If he wants a relationship with his DS then he is going to have to act now, and that means finding the money to go to court if that's what it takes.

I suspect though in two/three years time he will be one of those men who has no contact with their child because the ex didn't allow it when he was a baby and he felt that it was better to walk away than to fight. hmm.

Even if she was abusive during the marriage, he has no excuses to not have a relationship with his child now.

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