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Hubby has changed mind and doesn't want another baby

(25 Posts)
lwv14 Sat 18-Jun-16 23:20:17

Anyone else have one child but two or more was always the plan? After having baby number 1 who is now 2 1/2 my hubby has changed his mind and I just can't cope emotionally. I have always wanted 2 and so did he so they have each other and the thought of him being an only child kills me inside. My son loves people and company and would thrive with a sibling but my hubby just doesn't want to know. I'm not asking for 3 just one more so he has a sibling, someone else who thinks his parents are crazy. I can't discuss as he doesn't want to. I'm 36 and feel the clock ticking and know its going to be hard to get pregnant as not done it in 3 years. I feel so sad, angry maybe even a bit of hate for the most part relationship good but I just can't get my head around this. My son wasn't easy to conceive so I know how lucky I am but don't think I should be made to feel guilty about wanting a sibling for my son. He hopefully will have friends but its not like having your own brother or sister especially when most other kids do. I'm in fear our marriage will suffer as I will resent him for this. How is anyone else coping or coped?

Joysmum Sun 19-Jun-16 00:10:23

Is wanting a sibling for your son your reason for wanting another?

To me I think you're using that as the reason for wanting another when actually this is about your maternal want for another child.

If it's the second, that's absolutely valid in itself and you don't need to embellish this with wanting a sibling for you son.

From my point of view, I'm a happy only child, as is my daughter. My DH is one of 2 and has nothing in common with his sibling as an adult and both have privately expressed to me their hurt that the other was the favourite so a lot of jealousy there. His sibling had little role in their fathers life when his health took a turn for the worst. Now both their parents have passed, they have no social contact and he couldn't tell you her address and she'd never thought to give him it each time she moved. She'd been living with her partner for 5 years before we met him and only see them a couple of times a year.

I'm glad I didn't have a sibling as I had more opportunities and advantages as a result. My DD is benefiting from the same.

Thinking about my circle of friends, it's 50/50 as to whether they have friendship in addition to kinship and those that don't have a negative relationship with their sibling.

I'm glad I and my DD an only child. We both got to chose friends to take away with us and host sleepovers rather than be tied in to a sibling. Me and my DD rarely had sleepovers with friends with siblings. It's disadvantageous to making friends from that point of view.

Iggi999 Sun 19-Jun-16 00:16:57

I think I would expect a proper conversation with my dh. You may not be able to change his mind, but you could come to terms with it if he talked through his reasoning.

lwv14 Mon 04-Jul-16 04:42:38

Can't believe it has taken me this long to get some computer time and its only 04.36 in the morning lol.

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to hear someone that enjoyed being an only child as I here so many times that people didn't. So it is possible. Unfortunately it doesn't change how I feel I wish it did. I do want another one but I do have a really strong need to provide him with a sibling.
Thank you, I appreciate your reply.

lwv14 Mon 04-Jul-16 04:43:14

Can't believe it has taken me this long to get some computer time and its only 04.36 in the morning lol.

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to hear someone that enjoyed being an only child as I here so many times that people didn't. So it is possible. Unfortunately it doesn't change how I feel I wish it did. I do want another one but I do have a really strong need to provide him with a sibling.
Thank you, I appreciate your reply.

lwv14 Mon 04-Jul-16 04:44:16

Can't believe it has taken me this long to get some computer time and its only 04.36 in the morning lol.

Thank you for your reply. It is nice to hear someone that enjoyed being an only child as I here so many times that people didn't. So it is possible. Unfortunately it doesn't change how I feel I wish it did. I do want another one but I do have a really strong need to provide him with a sibling.
Thank you, I appreciate your reply.

lwv14 Mon 04-Jul-16 04:46:07

Sorry for the same messages I didn't think it was doing anything

lwv14 Mon 04-Jul-16 04:49:18

Thanks Iggi999, I have tried to start a conversation a few times but he shuts down doesn't say a word how do you talk to someone who doesn't talk back? It isn't looking good.

VioletBam Mon 04-Jul-16 05:02:32

Is your relationship ok in other ways?

waitingforsomething Mon 04-Jul-16 05:07:10

I would be annoyed about the changing of mind- if you previously planned and agreed 2.
Is your DS special needs or difficult in any way that would make 2 particularly hard? He won't even be a toddler if you got pregnant now, he would be over 3 and tgis is a much easier age to have another baby.
I would insist on a conversation with dh to see why he changed mind

OnionKnight Mon 04-Jul-16 06:37:30

He's entitled to change his mind, you either accept it or divorce him and find someone else. By all means talk to him but it's a pretty big decision so I wouldn't keep on at him as it'll cause resentment and arguments.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Mon 04-Jul-16 08:26:36

OP: "I know how lucky I am but don't think I should be made to feel guilty about wanting a sibling for my son. He hopefully will have friends but its not like having your own brother or sister especially when most other kids do"

He as entitled to change his mind, for whatever reasons, as you would be. Who is making you feel guilty - you or your DH? It certainly isn't your young child, who has no idea whether they would like a sibling, or whether they'd got on with a sibling.

I can understand maternal urges - which do not have to be acted upon - but this seems very much about some notion you have that only children can't be happy. That's not the same thing and not, in itself, reason to have another child. MILLIONS of people around the world are only children. Do some, in later life, wish they had a sibling? Yes, some. Do some, in later life, go into fits of depression and become incredibly unhappy because they are an only child? Yes, some perhaps but not a huge number, I suspect.

You do know that just as many people don't get on with their siblings either as children or as adults later in life? As an only child myself, I do get annoyed when people start pulling this shit about "my poor baby is an only child" because it suggests that only children are somehow not as good, or should be pitied in some way. Fuck that.

I honestly think you need to consider some therapy to find a way to get through this, because you have a good husband (I assume) and a healthy happy child. Lots of people don't even have that.

NapQueen Mon 04-Jul-16 08:29:19

He has told you what he wants. It is different to what you want.

Harsh as it sounds you need to decide whether you want your existing life with one dcs and your dh or would you rather break up and attempt to start a new relationship with someone who does want kids.

msrisotto Mon 04-Jul-16 08:54:52

I wonder about the general state of your relationship. Not because he's changed his mind - he's allowed to do that, it's a perfectly reasonable thing to happen. But because he's not talking about it. That's not a great sign I must say.

Second thing i'm wondering is, the possibility that you leave him, struggle to conceive with someone else and end up without a second child anyway? This isn't really a factor if your relationship isn't sound though.

Thirdly. As pp have said above - having the broody feeling is a valid enough reason in itself. Actually, feeling like your child will suffer for not having a sibling is not correct. Plenty of only children are very very happy. Plenty of children with siblings are unhappy.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jul-16 08:59:47

I have an only child and at 18 she has expressed many times how she loves being my only DD.

However, on the flip side, I have sisters. 2 half sisters and my younger sister.
The 2 of us were and still are to some extent, best friends.
We used to do loads together.
Not so much anymore but I still have girlie nights out with her a few times a year.

This is unfortunately, no-ones fault.
Neither one of you is right or wrong.
He doesn't want another and you do.
Now you have to decide how much you want another and if you have the time and inclination to end your marriage and go after what you want??
It's a massive decision.

lwv14 Fri 08-Jul-16 12:10:16

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your replies, sorry it takes me so long to get back on.

If I was ever to divorce my hubby (hopefully never) it wouldn't be over this I couldn't spilt him and my son up over wanting another child.

The resentment thing that works both ways. I would resent him if not and he could resent me if we did.

People are allowed to change their minds and in a situation like this that affects everyone and you weren't quite prepared how emotional you would feel it is hard when you haven't changed your mind and you have to try and accept the decision. Its not easy and horrible but something to overcome.

Yep I have considered therapy as it is a big thing for me.

In a weird twist, he said just before his birthday he wanted to try for another one, two days before he was still giving the impression to friends it was still no. He really seemed genuine, told him not to mess me around, trying not to let myself get too excited, on monthly at moment, so worried he will have changed his mind by then but hopefully looking more positive. I do know I am lucky with one. Thanks everyone its nice to get different thoughts on a situation and see things differently from my head.

adora1 Fri 08-Jul-16 13:25:19

Bit unfair to change his mind over something so life changing and the fact he won't discuss is worrying, he should at least sit down with you and discuss the possibility, this outright no is not fair on you, it should be a joint decision with compromise on both sides.

You are perfectly normal to want another child, especially for company for your son, it's a good thing to want to do! I'd need to fully understand his reasons before I could even think about getting past his decision.

SpringTown46 Fri 08-Jul-16 14:56:28

He could change his mind again tomorrow, or in four years, but it would be rather late in the day. Or, he could leave you down the line and still be able to father children with someone else, but it's less likely for you to be able to do the same. His options are far more open. He isn't being fair to you with this indecisiveness.

You really need to talk. Ask him if he would be open to counselling to understand each other's position and to consider where you go from here.

Oddsocksgalore Fri 08-Jul-16 18:00:30

I'm one of five!

I love it, we all get on great even though between us we live in different countries.

I honestly couldn't imagine not being from a big family and I often feel sorry for only children.

When I think back to when my father died I couldn't imagine having to go through that alone.

I have 3 children of my own.

JackShit Fri 08-Jul-16 18:14:16

Cheers for the posts about only children again guys. You do know that some of us can only have one for medical reasons, right? We feel pretty shit about it already thanks angry

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 08-Jul-16 18:28:12

Do you think your husband is worried about the effect on your relationship? No sex in three years is hard. is that your choice? Would he describe the relationship as good?

Houseworkavoider Fri 08-Jul-16 18:38:45

Jack,
There are people on MN that can't have any.

meworthit Fri 08-Jul-16 18:58:53

If the tables were reversed I wonder what we all would be saying.
If u had changed ur mind completely, couldn't bear to have another child, were totally against it ... and he was insistent & wanted second child no matter about your feelings ?

CharlieSierra Fri 08-Jul-16 19:12:21

When you said it would be hard to get pregnant as you haven't done it for 3 years did you mean sex?

ifcatscouldtalk Fri 08-Jul-16 19:23:48

Hi OP. I hope you can both start talking more and work your way through this. In my marriage I was the one who changed my mind. I always wanted two but after a very traumatic birth than PND for a year I said to DH "sorry, I can't do this again." Our daughter is 11 now and although 1 child was not our plan we are really enjoying having one. I use to feel guilt for not providing a sibling but that's long gone. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace with whatever the outcome is.

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