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something is wrong with my husband

(132 Posts)
totalturmoil Sat 18-Jun-16 16:29:38

Had to nc for this as my last name was a massive giveaway. Do regularly post but not on this subject.
We've been married for 8 years and have 3 children. Baby born in Jan. For about 6 months my husband has been detached and quite remote. He has a very very high powered job. Earns vast amounts. Travels all the time. Always has done but before it felt like we were his priority even when he was away. Now it's like he has separated himself from us (me mostly). He says he feels misunderstood by me and not supported.
Long story short. I've really worked on myself, at improving things such as impatience and not listening properly etc. He is still so weird with me and really doesn't seem to love me. He agrees we need to see someone but doesn't actually do it. It's honestly as if he totally doesn't see how important our marriage is for the foundation of our lives, and has given up. I'm wondering if the work stress and lack of sleep and constant pressure has cracked him somehow and he is blaming it on our marriage rather than face up to it being his job...? Can I salvage this?

sparksthefirst Sat 18-Jun-16 16:43:09

Ah no what a stressful situation. Does sound like work is perhaps getting on top of him...A high powered job plus lots of travel and needing to balance that with family life must be hard. And on you also. Definetly sounds like counselling could help...Need a sounding board for you both. I'm sure it's completely salvageable. Best of luck xx

KinkyAfro Sat 18-Jun-16 16:43:29

Sorry to say it but your marriage doesn't sound as important to him as it is for you

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 18-Jun-16 16:45:52

You can't save another person. They have to do it themselves.

However, you can model good strategies. Perhaps you should go to see a counsellor yourself?

Sometimes men get used to having their partner's undivided attention, then when a baby comes along they have difficulty adjusting to the baby becoming the woman's number one priority. Most men adjust very very quickly. Some men, the particularly selfish types, never adjust and get increasingly jealous of the children. Him saying he feels unsupported would suggest that he is tending towards the latter camp. Was he used to you hanging on his every word and always maintaining a fully stocked clean pants drawer for him?

blowmybarnacles Sat 18-Jun-16 16:48:03

So new baby,, 2 older children (under8?) and he is away a lot and he feels unsupported. What are you supposed to do? confused

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 18-Jun-16 17:02:27

So when he comes home from these travels are you able to give him some of your undivided attention? It must be hard with three young children to care for. Do you have any outside help in the home?

blitheringbuzzards1234 Sat 18-Jun-16 17:07:34

I hope things work out, hopefully it's just a bad patch. When things get on top of you it's easy to mistake your career for your life. You obviously need to talk.

APlaceOnTheCouch Sat 18-Jun-16 17:13:56

You can't save a marriage on your own. I'm a bit concerned that your post is all about you changing to meet his needs.What about your needs? There's very little of you in your post. It's all about him.

If he won't go to a counsellor, go on your own. A counsellor will help you to work out what you want and to put 'you' back into your life.

Can I be blunt? You are at home with DCs and a have a 6 month old, and for that entire time, he's distracted your focus on to trying to please him. He could just need time to adjust to the new family dynamic but there's a breathtaking degree of selfishness in complaining to a new mother about feeling unsupported. Who is supporting you?

NotYoda Sat 18-Jun-16 17:17:00

I am sorry, but I guess you might have considered this: is it possible he is having an affair?

The other possibility is depression - getting him to acknowledge it might be the hardest part if it is that. Google symptoms in men

However, the fact he is blaming you makes me think affair first - or withdrawal in preparation for an affair

SandyY2K Sat 18-Jun-16 17:31:36

Why don't you look for a counsellor and make an appointment. Men are generally not proactive.

Did he explain how he felt unsupported?

You have 3 young kids and that's really tough going. Does he understand that? Do you get alone time with him at all?

I know with a baby and two others it's very difficult. Children put a great strain on marriages and it's easy to loose what you had between you and focus on the DCs.

Try and talk to him when he is back next and tell him you feel he's distant from you and want the two of you to work through this.

You also need to express any things you'd like to be better within the marriage, without blaming it on him.

So rather than say "you don't talk to me" - you say "I'd like us to talk more and be open with each other"

I hate to throw this in - but distance also happens when one's attention is with someone else.

Obsidian77 Sat 18-Jun-16 17:39:33

I think NotYoda could be right. Sounds like he is laying the groundwork for an announcement that he has found someone (likely at work) who does understand and support him. If you have 3 young kids and you're working hard to "improve" yourself and he's making no effort and won't even go to counselling it doesn't sound as though he's particularly invested in making your marriage work. It's not just your job. If he won't go to counselling then go by yourself, you could benefit from professional support to address this.

lovemyway Sat 18-Jun-16 17:40:29

sparksthefirst Can I just say what a lovely, supportive you made. I have read so much nastiness on threads lately and yours really made me think that that is what MN should be about. A genuine worry or concern and a thoughtful answer.

lovemyway Sat 18-Jun-16 17:41:48

*comment you made

LumpySpacedPrincess Sat 18-Jun-16 17:47:31

What was he like before?

Is he kind, does he share with you, is he financially supportive?

Tummyclutter Sat 18-Jun-16 17:50:50

Do you still have enjoy each other's company sometimes, or is it a constant struggle?

amarmai Sat 18-Jun-16 18:01:24

Yy to seeing a counsellor and a lawyer too. Scouts' motto--Be prepared-- especially as you have a new baby and another 2 dcc.

daisychain01 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:02:02

Firstly, try if possible not to take on all the blame for this, it does take two in a marriage and it seems you have been self aware enough to change a few things.

How about carving out some time where you can ask friends or family to take care of your DC and have.a proper heart to heart.

Sometimes stress does awful things, the walls close in etc.

FurryLittleTwerp Sat 18-Jun-16 18:05:21

I think he's having an affair - sorry sad

Fomalhaut Sat 18-Jun-16 18:08:00

You're working to improve yourself? That sounds a little worrying - on whose instigation?

How was the relationship before? Respectful? Equal? Do you have full access to shared finances for example?

Petal40 Sat 18-Jun-16 18:10:38

I've been there...in my experience it's an affair...sorry x

LovesPeace Sat 18-Jun-16 18:19:00

I'm so sorry, but I think he's found someone else, and by finding fault with you, is justifying cheating.

I hope I'm wrong.

Tummyclutter Sat 18-Jun-16 18:22:11

There's nothing wrong with working to improve yourself.
It's called emotional intelligence.

Fomalhaut Sat 18-Jun-16 18:42:54

tummy if it's what you want then yes.
If it's foisted on you as a long list of your faults you must fix then no. Too often on here it's the latter - wife told she's nagging, or fat, or frigid etc etc. If it's something you want to do for yourself, then it's fine.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 18-Jun-16 18:46:32

I can't see anything in your post that shows that something is wrong with your husband. Detached and uncaring, sure. But that's a choice on his part, not a disability.

Do you want to stay married to a detached and uncaring man?

Tummyclutter Sat 18-Jun-16 18:54:58

[Formalhaut] OP didn't say her DH told her to change, she has decided to make her own changes, so unless she says otherwise I stick with what I said.

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